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Searching for sanity

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tenenbaum12, Jul 24, 2015.

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  1. Tenenbaum12

    Tenenbaum12 Member


    I'm Kelly. I'm in my twenties. I have a BA in Psychology (not a healthy choice for an undiagnosed depressive with a likelihood of an array of other disorders, by the way) a 3.8 GPA, no career to speak of, and a great deal of trouble with social relationships.

    My estranged father suffered from bipolar disorder til his 50th birthday, when he was struck by a car in Las Angeles and passed away. My mother has intense dependency issues, my brother is a highly anxious aspie. So, as a whole, I'd say I've had the concept of mental illness ground into my brain fibers since as long as I can remember.

    Depression is nothing new to me; I can't remember a time when I wasn't low, when I didn't have overly-existential thoughts and when I wasn't questioning the point of everything.

    Before I was at an age to even identify my thoughts and sadness I was already experiencing somatic symptoms. My mental illness over the years has evolved from being a cutter in my teens, angered by my parents separation, the stranglehold of my mother's protective tendencies, my step father's very intentional lack of care for me, and my step sisters knack for making my every struggle much more real in comparison.

    Today, I'm not only aware that I don't blend in with my surroundings... looking out at the extroversion, the narcissism, lack of compassion, the business and consumer-driven, backstabbing world we live in that breathes in headlines and paychecks, I'm not sure if I want to.

    I fear the lack of meaningful relationships in my life; the knowledge that I am largely responsible for which... the sinking darkness that wells up inside of me, without warning or prejudice, that makes everyday actions both embarrassingly challenging and seemingly worthless.

    But the bigger fear I hold today isn't whether or not my depression with ever end, it is whether I have so successfully isolated myself from social relationships, career prospects, and a positive perspective of the world, that I can never assemble the courage, the energy or the resiliency to reintegrate myself into it.

    Pleased to meet you.
  2. Inspire&Inquire

    Inspire&Inquire SF Supporter


    I'm Andy, or Andrew. I'm 27 years old, I do videography work. I also live at home with my parents. I like to write I like to sing, I like to help people. Speaking of helping, I have issues of sanity myself and I've got to hold onto any piece I find before it flies away in reverse gravitational field of dreams.

    Wait a second you're a psychology major. There's nothing I can tell you that you probably don't already know. I could tell you to develop a routine and stick to it. Or to change up some of your daily activities, try to learn a new language or play an instrument. Even if these are new to you, the likelihood you'll take my suggestion is really low. Hell I don't even follow these tips. I don't have a morning routine or anything. I get up whenever. On second thought I shouldn't be giving tips, I'm living in my parents house at age 27 and just got out of the hospital.

    It's a pleasure meeting you Kelly.
  3. whydoes

    whydoes Member

    You are articulate and grounded. Your insight would help hundreds, even thousands of people. I would read a book written by you.
    In addition, a lot of counselors do not understand what it feels like to have mental problems, and they should.
  4. Integration in society is capitulation, for those that know and see the truth.

    On the other hand, a life isolated and purposeless is also miserable.

    What conundrum! D:

    The only way for the special ones is opening a path for ourselves.
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