second shrink appointment

[xsomewhatdamagedx]

i had my second shrink appointment two days ago which kind of surprised me for a few reasons one being that i could actually understand her (not being racist but i could hardly understand the first shrink i had to go to because he had a very thick accent)but the new shrink i went to seemed nice she asked me a bunch of questions about my family history of mental health issues (longer history than i expected)i ended up not really saying alot i either nodded or said yeah.she asked me about my father and i told her about what he did to me throughout my childhood and she seemed a little surprised by that she had written quite a bit about him when i had finished talking which shocked me because it seemed a hell of alot i think that one of the reasons it shocked me so much was because it was written down so i couldn't deny it anymore its alot different to talk to someone who knows nothing about me.i told her about the times he beat up his ex in front of me and that he starved me for a week the last time i saw him i wanted to cry at that point but i held back and kept my emotions to myself i feel so miserable everytime i think about everytime he screwed me over when i was a child and i will never forgive him for fucking me up so badly.

the appointment ended up lasting about an hour and a half i only said bits and pieces about the stuff i have been through its difficult for me to say certain things without tearing up so i just nodded at alot of the questions she asked me so i didn't have to really say much.one of the first questions she asked me was how i'm feeling so i replied with miserable because that's now i feel and have always felt for as long as i can remember and it never changes i feel like that twenty four hours a day i don't have periods where i am happy i just fake being happy to put others at ease so i don't have to admit anything and i don't get made to feel guilty about feeling like shit/feeling like i'm going to kill myself.she never asked about how long i had been feeling like this which was kind of a relief in a way but i would of probably said most of my life because i genuinely cant remember a time when i didn't feel like this i really cant no matter how hard i try.

i ended up kind of agreeing to group therapy which will take a totall of eight weeks to complete i still dont know if i could put myself through that because i have social anxiety and being in a room with a bunch of people i dont know will only make matters worse for me.she told me that i will either have more talking therapy or that i would have group therapy (i still dont know which since the letter hasn't come)but i dont think either will help me because i dont think that i can be helped.she also told me that just because my family has had problems doesn't mean that i had to be the same so i shouldn't have to feel doomed to repeat the pattern but i still feel doomed to reapeat it all because what chance do i really have ? if so many people in the world have the problems i do and they do kill themselves because they cant take it anymore what will make me any different ? am i just fighting a losing battle ? i really dont know anymore.

 

[jimk]

morning .. can identify with the social fear of doing group in front of bunch of strangers.. you said they were giving you the option of therapy with hopefully a competant pro of this. maybe that is what you try instead. this worked much better for me to start with.. that is hard enuf often..

someone good can help you a heck of a lot.. you learn you are worth their efforts and that a lot of what happened previously was not your fault at all. if it works right a great gain in self image and just getting to place where you finally can feel safe..

let us know how this all goes for you.. tc, Jim

 

[musicalpsycho]

Hey, give group a go and if you don't feel as though you can be open with them then you can always stop it and switch back to regular psycho-therapy. The strength we gain from dealing with depression and anxiety is what separates us from those people who end up taking their own lives. We choose to stay strong and live to see another day, no matter how painful and difficult that choice may seem at first. That is what will make you different to them but only if you take that option. Deciding that you can and will win this battle is in itself a big step towards your goal.

Explore other treatment options but still go to those appointments with the therapist (for me they've done wonders to open up my mind and give me somewhere to vent). You CAN get through this.:smile: