i had my second shrink appointment two days ago which kind of surprised me for a few reasons one being that i could actually understand her (not being racist but i could hardly understand the first shrink i had to go to because he had a very thick accent)but the new shrink i went to seemed nice she asked me a bunch of questions about my family history of mental health issues (longer history than i expected)i ended up not really saying alot i either nodded or said yeah.she asked me about my father and i told her about what he did to me throughout my childhood and she seemed a little surprised by that she had written quite a bit about him when i had finished talking which shocked me because it seemed a hell of alot i think that one of the reasons it shocked me so much was because it was written down so i couldn't deny it anymore its alot different to talk to someone who knows nothing about me.i told her about the times he beat up his ex in front of me and that he starved me for a week the last time i saw him i wanted to cry at that point but i held back and kept my emotions to myself i feel so miserable everytime i think about everytime he screwed me over when i was a child and i will never forgive him for fucking me up so badly. the appointment ended up lasting about an hour and a half i only said bits and pieces about the stuff i have been through its difficult for me to say certain things without tearing up so i just nodded at alot of the questions she asked me so i didn't have to really say much.one of the first questions she asked me was how i'm feeling so i replied with miserable because that's now i feel and have always felt for as long as i can remember and it never changes i feel like that twenty four hours a day i don't have periods where i am happy i just fake being happy to put others at ease so i don't have to admit anything and i don't get made to feel guilty about feeling like shit/feeling like i'm going to kill myself.she never asked about how long i had been feeling like this which was kind of a relief in a way but i would of probably said most of my life because i genuinely cant remember a time when i didn't feel like this i really cant no matter how hard i try. i ended up kind of agreeing to group therapy which will take a totall of eight weeks to complete i still dont know if i could put myself through that because i have social anxiety and being in a room with a bunch of people i dont know will only make matters worse for me.she told me that i will either have more talking therapy or that i would have group therapy (i still dont know which since the letter hasn't come)but i dont think either will help me because i dont think that i can be helped.she also told me that just because my family has had problems doesn't mean that i had to be the same so i shouldn't have to feel doomed to repeat the pattern but i still feel doomed to reapeat it all because what chance do i really have ? if so many people in the world have the problems i do and they do kill themselves because they cant take it anymore what will make me any different ? am i just fighting a losing battle ? i really dont know anymore.