How do I overcome secrecy when having suicidal thoughts. I could ring Lifeline but even they might become hostile. When I was suicidal in 1990 I kept it a big secret from everyone. I even wrote in my diary in code i.e. “CS” The day before my method and time I looked up depression in my encyclopedia and it said it was treatable. I fetched my Mom from the back of the garden and she took me to the doctor At the moment I am angry about being alienated (no-one ever seeks out my company). I have put others on a pedestal that they never have negative thoughts about me but if I was the Buddha they would seek out my company so they are definitely judging me. Thinking hypothetically of suicide as a way to “show them” how I feel about being abandoned. Self-pity at the idea that I don’t have any friends my age (36) who would attend my funeral. Maybe I can “show them” in a positive way by using overwhelming force to succeed in life and prove them all wrong that I am not boring, useless or a wimp. If hell freezes over they might even ask forgiveness I’m worried if I tell someone I will be forced into shock treatment. If I have a method and a time I will seek help. I already see a psychiatrist for bipolar and he thinks my mood is stable. I haven’t even the tiniest bit of self-harm. I wouldn’t even pinch my skin. Maybe one reason I became a Buddhist is that it offers the only method that leads to true peace (Enlightenment). Thanks for listening / dhammapal.