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Secrecy and alienation

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How do I overcome secrecy when having suicidal thoughts. I could ring Lifeline but even they might become hostile.

When I was suicidal in 1990 I kept it a big secret from everyone. I even wrote in my diary in code i.e. “CS” The day before my method and time I looked up depression in my encyclopedia and it said it was treatable. I fetched my Mom from the back of the garden and she took me to the doctor

At the moment I am angry about being alienated (no-one ever seeks out my company). I have put others on a pedestal that they never have negative thoughts about me but if I was the Buddha they would seek out my company so they are definitely judging me. Thinking hypothetically of suicide as a way to “show them” how I feel about being abandoned. Self-pity at the idea that I don’t have any friends my age (36) who would attend my funeral.
Maybe I can “show them” in a positive way by using overwhelming force to succeed in life and prove them all wrong that I am not boring, useless or a wimp. If hell freezes over they might even ask forgiveness

I’m worried if I tell someone I will be forced into shock treatment.

If I have a method and a time I will seek help. I already see a psychiatrist for bipolar and he thinks my mood is stable.

I haven’t even the tiniest bit of self-harm. I wouldn’t even pinch my skin.
Maybe one reason I became a Buddhist is that it offers the only method that leads to true peace (Enlightenment).

Thanks for listening / dhammapal.
I'm still secretive about my suicidal feelings. I think that's the only reason I made it to the Navy and not in some psyche ward. You listen to loveline as well? Sucks about all the dropped calls they had tonight, I was considering calling them haha.


SF Supporter
Are you sure your not socially awkward around people? Stupidist thing is people can sense when someone is not happy (well, sometimes) and for a lot of them it makes them uncomfortable and because they can't deal with it they avoid you. My own parents shy away from talking to me. Sometimes i feel like ive dissapointed them but i truly just think they dont know 'how' to talk to me.
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