Secrecy and alienation

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dhammapal, Dec 11, 2006.

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  1. dhammapal

    dhammapal Active Member

    How do I overcome secrecy when having suicidal thoughts. I could ring Lifeline but even they might become hostile.

    When I was suicidal in 1990 I kept it a big secret from everyone. I even wrote in my diary in code i.e. “CS” The day before my method and time I looked up depression in my encyclopedia and it said it was treatable. I fetched my Mom from the back of the garden and she took me to the doctor

    At the moment I am angry about being alienated (no-one ever seeks out my company). I have put others on a pedestal that they never have negative thoughts about me but if I was the Buddha they would seek out my company so they are definitely judging me. Thinking hypothetically of suicide as a way to “show them” how I feel about being abandoned. Self-pity at the idea that I don’t have any friends my age (36) who would attend my funeral.
    Maybe I can “show them” in a positive way by using overwhelming force to succeed in life and prove them all wrong that I am not boring, useless or a wimp. If hell freezes over they might even ask forgiveness

    I’m worried if I tell someone I will be forced into shock treatment.

    If I have a method and a time I will seek help. I already see a psychiatrist for bipolar and he thinks my mood is stable.

    I haven’t even the tiniest bit of self-harm. I wouldn’t even pinch my skin.
    Maybe one reason I became a Buddhist is that it offers the only method that leads to true peace (Enlightenment).

    Thanks for listening / dhammapal.
  2. NavyAirman

    NavyAirman Member

    I'm still secretive about my suicidal feelings. I think that's the only reason I made it to the Navy and not in some psyche ward. You listen to loveline as well? Sucks about all the dropped calls they had tonight, I was considering calling them haha.
  3. smackh2o

    smackh2o Well-Known Member

    Are you sure your not socially awkward around people? Stupidist thing is people can sense when someone is not happy (well, sometimes) and for a lot of them it makes them uncomfortable and because they can't deal with it they avoid you. My own parents shy away from talking to me. Sometimes i feel like ive dissapointed them but i truly just think they dont know 'how' to talk to me.
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