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Secreto de mi diario // Secret of my diary

#1
Español/Spanish:

Últimamente en mi diario he estado escribiendo sobre mis emociones reprimidas las cuales influyen mucho en mis frustraciones y en un descontrol que me provoca fumar mucho, no obstante he podido controlar el vicio del tabaco ya que no he fumado en 2 semanas ya que me propuse no comprarme 2 cajetillas de cigarros en un mes, pero bueno dejando de lado el tema del vicio.
Es que hace poco en una de estas páginas clandestinas que estoy, empecé a preguntar por pastillas para suicidarme ya que igualmente este sentimiento oscuro que tengo en mi corazón se ha ido volviendo una obsesión y más cuando me aislé del mundo en el peor momento en donde casi vi morir a mi papá por el covid-19.
Fue allí en donde mi salud mental empezó decaer de manera constante al grado que iba perdiendo mi cordura durante la madrugada, y fue cuando empecé a obsesionarme con mi propia muerte ya que en parte llegó un momento que quería comprarme una cuerda y colgarme... Y lo peor es que lo imaginaba y me sentía tan bien, porque a pesar que todo era frío sentí como libertad, pero no solamente pensé en eso, sino que imagine que me daba una apuñalada en mi corazón para así irme de este mundo y fue así que mi deseo ha ido creciendo a través de los meses al grado que he soñado con este deseo, incluso me llegué a obsesionar tanto con este deseo que incluso tengo unas cartas para algunas personas que quiero mucho en donde expreso el porque he elegido ese camino y más que ahora me llegó una respuesta que tanto anhele pero ahora debo pensarlo muy bien ya que igual no el primer intento de suicidio que tengo ya que uno de ellos fue cuando me iba para la universidad y recuerdo de la siguiente manera ese día:

Era un día Jueves por la tarde, yo realmente no quería ir a la universidad ya que prefería encerrarme en mi habitación y ponerme a llorar mientras imaginaba las caricias de mi ex novia y en ese momento antes que pasará el metro vi las raíces del metro y el corazón me latía tan rápido y me sentía desesperado, realmente mi cabeza decía: ¡Salta! ¡Salta! ¡Salta! y antes que hiciera eso como que el metro paso de la nada y yo solamente suspiré y entre sin pensar al metro y casi me pongo a llorar realmente quería un abrazo y oír a mi ex en ese momento que me dijera: Oye, todo estará bien... Por favor, tranquilo.


Y sin mentir también empecé a sentir fría a la gente y eso me afectó tanto que empecé a cerrarme en mi mundo y evitaba hablar con mis amistades, y más con esto de la pandemia pude aislarme sin problemas aunque claro mi salud mental me ha ido destruyendo al grado que me volví un monstruo y muy autodestructivo que incluso siento que tengo dos personalidades, o como lo definí yo... "Efecto máscara" Ya que soy un total farsante con mis amistades mientras que en la soledad me autodestruyo tanto que incluso me alejó aún más del mundo y empiezo a fantasear con mi muerte en donde seré muy sincero contigo estimado lector, yo en el fondo anhelo morirme de una sobredosis en donde puedo estar con mujeres de compañía o prostitutas ya que muchas veces la depresión nos mete en los vicios, y lamentablemente eso nos vuelve locos y estúpidos como en mi caso.


En la actualidad he podido controlar un poco mi lado autodestructivo ya que igual antes destruía y lastimaba a la gente con esa faceta por lo cual fui reprimiendo todo, pero todo incluyendo mis problemas en la intimidad que tienen que ver con el abuso sexual que recibí a los 7 años y más que cuando ando excitado me pongo muy sensible por lo cual mi última relación fue un total fracaso ya que igualmente le preguntaba a cada rato si estaba cómoda, pero al final ella se aburrió de mí y eso igual me hizo sentir peor porque de alguna manera ella me quitaba esas ansías del suicidio porque incluso ella me empezaría a llamar la atención con el asunto del tabaco ya que se fijó que estaba fumando mucho, pero bueno al final ya paso esa relación.

Pero ahora que estoy de vacaciones la cabeza ha estado todavía fantasiado con ese asunto, no obstante llegó una chica que me pedía que no lo hiciera ya que ella yo soy una persona increíble y eso que ella no conoce ese monstruo que soy yo, y no sé porque termine aceptando la ayuda de esa chica ya que igual he sufrido mucho con este asunto de mi depresión y de mis tendencias suicidas ocultas ya que cuando he hablado del como me siento, solo me ignoran, me dejaban visto en las redes sociales, se burlaban o me criticaban por ende me cerré por completo al grado que todo lo hago solo.

Gracias por leerme ya que me ayuda a sacar el peso que tengo en el corazón.

English/Inglés:

Lately in my diary I have been writing about my repressed emotions which greatly influence my frustrations and a lack of control that causes me to smoke a lot, however I have been able to control the vice of tobacco since I have not smoked in 2 weeks since I decided not to buy me 2 packs of cigarettes in a month, but good leaving aside the issue of vice.

It is that recently in one of these clandestine pages that I am, I began to ask for <Mod Edit: Methods> since also this dark feeling that I have in my heart has become an obsession and more so when I isolated myself from the world at the worst moment where I almost saw my dad die from covid-19.

It was there that my mental health began to decline steadily to the point that I was losing my sanity during the early hours of the morning, and it was when I began to obsess over my own death since in part there came a time that I wanted to buy <Mod Edit: Methods> ... And the worst thing is that I imagined it and it felt so good, because even though everything was cold I felt like freedom, but not only did I think about that, but I imagined that I was stabbed in my heart to leave this world and it was So my desire has been growing through the months to the degree that I have dreamed of this desire, I even became so obsessed with this desire that I even have some letters for some people that I love a lot where I express why I have chosen that path And more than now I got an answer that I long for but now I must think about it very well since maybe not the first suicide attempt that I have since one of them was when I was leaving for university and I remember that day as follows ía:

It was a Thursday afternoon, I really did not want to go to the university since I preferred to lock myself in my room and start crying while I imagined the caresses of my ex-girlfriend and at that moment before the subway passed I saw the roots of the subway and my heart was beating so fast and I felt desperate, really my head was saying: <Mod Edit: Methods> And before I did that like the subway passed out of nowhere and I just sighed and entered the subway without thinking and I almost started to cry I really wanted a hug and hear my ex at that moment tell me: Hey, everything will be fine ... Please be calm.





And without lying I also began to feel cold to people and that affected me so much that I began to close myself in my world and avoided talking to my friends, and more with this of the pandemic I was able to isolate myself without problems although of course my mental health has been destroying me to the degree that I became a monster and very self-destructive that I even feel that I have two personalities, or as I defined it ... "Mask effect" Since I am a total phony with my friends while in solitude I self-destruct so much that I even I moved further away from the world and I begin to fantasize about my death where I will be very sincere with you dear reader, deep down I long to die of an <Mod Edit: MEthods> where I can be with company women or prostitutes since many times depression puts us in the vices, and unfortunately that makes us crazy and stupid as in my case.





Nowadays I have been able to control my self-destructive side a bit since, just as before, I destroyed and hurt people with that facet, for which I was repressing everything, but everything including my problems in intimacy that have to do with the sexual abuse that I received at When I am 7 years old and older than when I am excited I get very sensitive, which is why my last relationship was a total failure since I also asked her every so often if she was comfortable, but in the end she got bored with me and that made me feel worse. because somehow she took away my suicide cravings because even she would start to draw my attention with the tobacco issue since she noticed that I was smoking a lot, but well in the end that relationship is over.



But now that I am on vacation, my head has still been fantasizing about that matter, however a girl arrived who asked me not to do it since she I am an incredible person and that she does not know that monster that I am, and no I know why I ended up accepting the help of that girl since I have also suffered a lot with this matter of my depression and my hidden suicidal tendencies since when I have talked about how I feel, they just ignore me, they let me see them on social networks, they They mocked or criticized me therefore I closed myself completely to the degree that I do everything alone.



Thank you for reading me as it helps me to lift the weight that I have on my heart.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#2
Español/Spanish:

Últimamente en mi diario he estado escribiendo sobre mis emociones reprimidas las cuales influyen mucho en mis frustraciones y en un descontrol que me provoca fumar mucho, no obstante he podido controlar el vicio del tabaco ya que no he fumado en 2 semanas ya que me propuse no comprarme 2 cajetillas de cigarros en un mes, pero bueno dejando de lado el tema del vicio.
Es que hace poco en una de estas páginas clandestinas que estoy, empecé a preguntar por pastillas para suicidarme ya que igualmente este sentimiento oscuro que tengo en mi corazón se ha ido volviendo una obsesión y más cuando me aislé del mundo en el peor momento en donde casi vi morir a mi papá por el covid-19.
Fue allí en donde mi salud mental empezó decaer de manera constante al grado que iba perdiendo mi cordura durante la madrugada, y fue cuando empecé a obsesionarme con mi propia muerte ya que en parte llegó un momento que quería comprarme una cuerda y colgarme... Y lo peor es que lo imaginaba y me sentía tan bien, porque a pesar que todo era frío sentí como libertad, pero no solamente pensé en eso, sino que imagine que me daba una apuñalada en mi corazón para así irme de este mundo y fue así que mi deseo ha ido creciendo a través de los meses al grado que he soñado con este deseo, incluso me llegué a obsesionar tanto con este deseo que incluso tengo unas cartas para algunas personas que quiero mucho en donde expreso el porque he elegido ese camino y más que ahora me llegó una respuesta que tanto anhele pero ahora debo pensarlo muy bien ya que igual no el primer intento de suicidio que tengo ya que uno de ellos fue cuando me iba para la universidad y recuerdo de la siguiente manera ese día:

Era un día Jueves por la tarde, yo realmente no quería ir a la universidad ya que prefería encerrarme en mi habitación y ponerme a llorar mientras imaginaba las caricias de mi ex novia y en ese momento antes que pasará el metro vi las raíces del metro y el corazón me latía tan rápido y me sentía desesperado, realmente mi cabeza decía: ¡Salta! ¡Salta! ¡Salta! y antes que hiciera eso como que el metro paso de la nada y yo solamente suspiré y entre sin pensar al metro y casi me pongo a llorar realmente quería un abrazo y oír a mi ex en ese momento que me dijera: Oye, todo estará bien... Por favor, tranquilo.


Y sin mentir también empecé a sentir fría a la gente y eso me afectó tanto que empecé a cerrarme en mi mundo y evitaba hablar con mis amistades, y más con esto de la pandemia pude aislarme sin problemas aunque claro mi salud mental me ha ido destruyendo al grado que me volví un monstruo y muy autodestructivo que incluso siento que tengo dos personalidades, o como lo definí yo... "Efecto máscara" Ya que soy un total farsante con mis amistades mientras que en la soledad me autodestruyo tanto que incluso me alejó aún más del mundo y empiezo a fantasear con mi muerte en donde seré muy sincero contigo estimado lector, yo en el fondo anhelo morirme de una sobredosis en donde puedo estar con mujeres de compañía o prostitutas ya que muchas veces la depresión nos mete en los vicios, y lamentablemente eso nos vuelve locos y estúpidos como en mi caso.


En la actualidad he podido controlar un poco mi lado autodestructivo ya que igual antes destruía y lastimaba a la gente con esa faceta por lo cual fui reprimiendo todo, pero todo incluyendo mis problemas en la intimidad que tienen que ver con el abuso sexual que recibí a los 7 años y más que cuando ando excitado me pongo muy sensible por lo cual mi última relación fue un total fracaso ya que igualmente le preguntaba a cada rato si estaba cómoda, pero al final ella se aburrió de mí y eso igual me hizo sentir peor porque de alguna manera ella me quitaba esas ansías del suicidio porque incluso ella me empezaría a llamar la atención con el asunto del tabaco ya que se fijó que estaba fumando mucho, pero bueno al final ya paso esa relación.

Pero ahora que estoy de vacaciones la cabeza ha estado todavía fantasiado con ese asunto, no obstante llegó una chica que me pedía que no lo hiciera ya que ella yo soy una persona increíble y eso que ella no conoce ese monstruo que soy yo, y no sé porque termine aceptando la ayuda de esa chica ya que igual he sufrido mucho con este asunto de mi depresión y de mis tendencias suicidas ocultas ya que cuando he hablado del como me siento, solo me ignoran, me dejaban visto en las redes sociales, se burlaban o me criticaban por ende me cerré por completo al grado que todo lo hago solo.

Gracias por leerme ya que me ayuda a sacar el peso que tengo en el corazón.

English/Inglés:

Lately in my diary I have been writing about my repressed emotions which greatly influence my frustrations and a lack of control that causes me to smoke a lot, however I have been able to control the vice of tobacco since I have not smoked in 2 weeks since I decided not to buy me 2 packs of cigarettes in a month, but good leaving aside the issue of vice.

It is that recently in one of these clandestine pages that I am, I began to ask for pills to commit suicide since also this dark feeling that I have in my heart has become an obsession and more so when I isolated myself from the world at the worst moment where I almost saw my dad die from covid-19.

It was there that my mental health began to decline steadily to the point that I was losing my sanity during the early hours of the morning, and it was when I began to obsess over my own death since in part there came a time that I wanted to buy a rope and hang myself ... And the worst thing is that I imagined it and it felt so good, because even though everything was cold I felt like freedom, but not only did I think about that, but I imagined that I was stabbed in my heart to leave this world and it was So my desire has been growing through the months to the degree that I have dreamed of this desire, I even became so obsessed with this desire that I even have some letters for some people that I love a lot where I express why I have chosen that path And more than now I got an answer that I long for but now I must think about it very well since maybe not the first suicide attempt that I have since one of them was when I was leaving for university and I remember that day as follows ía:

It was a Thursday afternoon, I really did not want to go to the university since I preferred to lock myself in my room and start crying while I imagined the caresses of my ex-girlfriend and at that moment before the subway passed I saw the roots of the subway and my heart was beating so fast and I felt desperate, really my head was saying: Jump! Jump! Jump! And before I did that like the subway passed out of nowhere and I just sighed and entered the subway without thinking and I almost started to cry I really wanted a hug and hear my ex at that moment tell me: Hey, everything will be fine ... Please be calm.





And without lying I also began to feel cold to people and that affected me so much that I began to close myself in my world and avoided talking to my friends, and more with this of the pandemic I was able to isolate myself without problems although of course my mental health has been destroying me to the degree that I became a monster and very self-destructive that I even feel that I have two personalities, or as I defined it ... "Mask effect" Since I am a total phony with my friends while in solitude I self-destruct so much that I even I moved further away from the world and I begin to fantasize about my death where I will be very sincere with you dear reader, deep down I long to die of an overdose where I can be with company women or prostitutes since many times depression puts us in the vices, and unfortunately that makes us crazy and stupid as in my case.





Nowadays I have been able to control my self-destructive side a bit since, just as before, I destroyed and hurt people with that facet, for which I was repressing everything, but everything including my problems in intimacy that have to do with the sexual abuse that I received at When I am 7 years old and older than when I am excited I get very sensitive, which is why my last relationship was a total failure since I also asked her every so often if she was comfortable, but in the end she got bored with me and that made me feel worse. because somehow she took away my suicide cravings because even she would start to draw my attention with the tobacco issue since she noticed that I was smoking a lot, but well in the end that relationship is over.



But now that I am on vacation, my head has still been fantasizing about that matter, however a girl arrived who asked me not to do it since she I am an incredible person and that she does not know that monster that I am, and no I know why I ended up accepting the help of that girl since I have also suffered a lot with this matter of my depression and my hidden suicidal tendencies since when I have talked about how I feel, they just ignore me, they let me see them on social networks, they They mocked or criticized me therefore I closed myself completely to the degree that I do everything alone.



Thank you for reading me as it helps me to lift the weight that I have on my heart.
Congratulation on your process to quit smoking. 2 weeks is an achievement, well I'll say the same if it's just a day or two.

My suicidal thoughts are more general than yours, so there has never been an imagination of what it feels like to be dying. I know that you suffer a lot from imaginations like that, to the point of isolating, self-harming (maybe you meant something different in "self-destruct") and pushing everyone away. In a positive light, your choice of suicide method is quite interesting.

It's unfortunate for the trouble past you are facing. I know it's hard to establish and maintain a relationship with anyone with an underlying trauma.

I think you are incredible, too. We are both monster. Social media is created by monsters for monsters.

If you need a practical advice, I suggest therapy and counseling. You can also look for someone you trust and talk to them about the issues you are facing, if it's possible.

Sincere, a masked man with a cat avatar and a fake name for an identity.
 
#3
Congratulation on your process to quit smoking. 2 weeks is an achievement, well I'll say the same if it's just a day or two.

My suicidal thoughts are more general than yours, so there has never been an imagination of what it feels like to be dying. I know that you suffer a lot from imaginations like that, to the point of isolating, self-harming (maybe you meant something different in "self-destruct") and pushing everyone away. In a positive light, your choice of suicide method is quite interesting.

It's unfortunate for the trouble past you are facing. I know it's hard to establish and maintain a relationship with anyone with an underlying trauma.

I think you are incredible, too. We are both monster. Social media is created by monsters for monsters.

If you need a practical advice, I suggest therapy and counseling. You can also look for someone you trust and talk to them about the issues you are facing, if it's possible.

Sincere, a masked man with a cat avatar and a fake name for an identity.

There came a point that I began to define myself as a monster since suddenly I used to be someone very bad and hostile, so I secretly left him as my second personality.

But the worst of being a monster that I start to say what I feel in solitude, but maybe you will tell me ah but it is normal because when you are alone you say what you want, right? Well, yes it is true but I have also expressed things that I never thought I would say such as hating people who have been good and only hating them for a decision that I made with me.

But to be honest dear, I do not see myself from here to my 25 years the truth since even now I am studying a career that I love, but I do not feel motivated and hardly this semester I could spend it with the little strength I have because deep down It hurts me to live and I would love to smoke at this moment, only that I still want to control my vices.
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#4
There came a point that I began to define myself as a monster since suddenly I used to be someone very bad and hostile, so I secretly left him as my second personality.

But the worst of being a monster that I start to say what I feel in solitude, but maybe you will tell me ah but it is normal because when you are alone you say what you want, right? Well, yes it is true but I have also expressed things that I never thought I would say such as hating people who have been good and only hating them for a decision that I made with me.

But to be honest dear, I do not see myself from here to my 25 years the truth since even now I am studying a career that I love, but I do not feel motivated and hardly this semester I could spend it with the little strength I have because deep down It hurts me to live and I would love to smoke at this moment, only that I still want to control my vices.
We all have our own second personality, waiting to be a part of our life. It takes trauma and related major life-changing events for this personality, or dark side, to emerge. Well, it's pseudo-psychology, to be honest.

It's still normal to express that you hate someone alone, unless you actually text or message them "I hate you". You are just frustrated and that is how you release yourself. In my case, it's generic swearing.

I'm not really an expert on smoking, but you can do or get something that you know you cannot smoke while having it, like chewing gums or candies. I read or watch about this somewhere, stop-smoking contents are everywhere in my country.
 
#5
We all have our own second personality, waiting to be a part of our life. It takes trauma and related major life-changing events for this personality, or dark side, to emerge. Well, it's pseudo-psychology, to be honest.

It's still normal to express that you hate someone alone, unless you actually text or message them "I hate you". You are just frustrated and that is how you release yourself. In my case, it's generic swearing.

I'm not really an expert on smoking, but you can do or get something that you know you cannot smoke while having it, like chewing gums or candies. I read or watch about this somewhere, stop-smoking contents are everywhere in my country.

It is not easy to suddenly have a double personality since usually I am the mask with my friends and when I am alone I am that destructive, rude monster and without lying to you I have expressed what I have never wanted to say to a friend of mine.

Since deep down I'm a frustrated man with a mask so when he takes it off he's a bloody monster.
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#6
It is not easy to suddenly have a double personality since usually I am the mask with my friends and when I am alone I am that destructive, rude monster and without lying to you I have expressed what I have never wanted to say to a friend of mine.

Since deep down I'm a frustrated man with a mask so when he takes it off he's a bloody monster.
This is why I mention therapist and counselor. It's just harder for you to deal with everything on your own now. It would be safer for others, especially the ones you care and love, and yourself, as well, if you talk about your frustration to someone who is more trained in relationship counseling.

Take care.
 
#7
This is why I mention therapist and counselor. It's just harder for you to deal with everything on your own now. It would be safer for others, especially the ones you care and love, and yourself, as well, if you talk about your frustration to someone who is more trained in relationship counseling.

Take care.
What you say is true, but my biggest problem is that I do not trust people in mental and emotional health because of bad experiences that I had, which is why I have done most of the things alone, and that is clearly bad because my mental and emotional health emotional are in the trash, and more than recently I bought cigarettes but I fell into temptation because the confinement has affected me even more.

A hug and take care of yourself
 

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