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Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Aerial, Sep 20, 2009.

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  1. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    I carry so many because I hold in my feelings from others. I only really let loose about my problems online. I don't have many people I can really open up with. I feel too fucked up to really let others know what plagues me.

    In this thread, if you wish, share some secrets and struggles that you have. Does anyone feel as if saying your secrets out loud or typing them somewhere helps to resolve problems? I am experimenting with this to find out if it might help. Maybe others here can relate to some of my secret struggles. I've already confessed one secret on the board in another thread. I spoke about my feelings for a friend.

    Here are some of my secrets:

    I am VERY jealous of a good friend. She seems to have everything going for her. She has no idea I feel this way I think. She's beautiful, gets any guy she wants, has a successful career, and her family is loaded. When we hang out, guys look at her, not usually at me. That makes me BURN with envy. Money is NEVER an issue for her either. She's never treated me badly but I can't help feeling resentment in our friendship. I've even contemplated distancing myself from her in order to deal with my feelings alone but I don't want draw too much attention. I never want her to find out how I feel.

    I still keep tabs on someone I've developed a crush on. I know he still has a girlfriend and he lives in a different country but I find myself struggling to let go and move on. I promised myself I'd stop checking up on him. It's hard and I feel pathetic for being so fucking weak.

    I get violent urges sometimes when I am upset depressed. I fantasize about taking my anger out on people by being physical. If I don't fantasize about others, then I get afraid that I'll try to harm myself instead. It usually comes down to me or them attitude. I wish I could get rid of these feelings period because they cause me a lot of distress. I know it's unhealthy. I won't actually do any of the things I think about but I feel so unstable the thoughts are compulsive.

    I have stalker tendencies. I obsess over others easily. Usually guys. I think this comes from my need to feel loved and fulfilled. I know my attachment to guys and relationships is bad but it's a hard habit to break. That's one of the reasons why I seek help and communities online. I need to sort through my problems by facing them and coming clean. Maybe that will give my mind some rest for once. I've done some farfetched things such as research everything online about guys I like, keep tabs on some of their girlfriends to constantly compare myself to them, drive by their houses to see if they are home, make sure to be where they are so we can bump into each other. Stuff like that. I haven't done this in some time because I've cut off a lot of contact recently, but when I obsess over someone, all of this drama begins and it makes me ashamed because I feel like I have no control.

    I sometime feel glee if someone who seems to have a perfect life gets bad fortune. I so know this is horrible. I know sometimes the lives of other people look perfect when they may not be, but I suffer with this affliction all the same. I am not proud of this. I want to change this.

    I binge eat a lot. In a day, sometimes I'll hit several fast food places and markets for junk food. and then I sometimes purge. I'll use laxatives, make myself get sick. I'll skip a day of eating occasionally if I've binged a lot. I want to stop this because I feel this is getting out of control.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you can get some professional help to sort through all this pain and confusion with I am glad you are here take care
  3. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    i can relate to this. i don't trust people who are extremely happy, or very successful, unless I know they've been to hell and back.

    When I see people who are just okey-dokey with everything, I want to see them get thrown off a bridge.

    Oh well!
  4. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    i have only one secret...

    one that makes me hate myself.
    i wont say what it is.

    just that its a guy problem, and that its probably fucked me up more than anything else, (besides my exes).

    then again maybe the two are related...
  5. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    Maybe saying it someplace could help you with your feelings too. I am glad to see others participate with me in this. I still don't feel great. I still feel weird but I feel relieved to write this stuff down somewhere I can trust and where others could possibly relate. I don't feel so alone, so crazy, so fucked up. If I told most people about the issues I struggle with, they'd think I should be committed and locked away throwing away the keys for good.

    Hope you don't mind me asking, does your secret have anything to do with sexual performance anxiety or male anatomy?
  6. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    yeah it does... its not so much performance though as stage fright... guess its obvious now though huh? doesnt matter though i suppose...
  7. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    Perhaps with the right person, that will go away. You probably need to find someone who is very understanding, patient, loving. Someone who is the nurturing type who appreciates all of you as a person. Oh and someone nearby. That's always a good thing *sigh* I know...I need to really forget about that guy I keep talking about.

    Those qualities I listed are so hard to find. The funny thing is if most of us did find a person like that, would we even appreciate or believe them? If I can't appreciate certain qualities in myself, how in the world will I believe it if a guy does? I will probably wonder if something's wrong with him because he sees something great in me.

    I guess that's another secret/struggle to add to the list. Get over self-loathing and begin to love myself so that I can believe that someone else can one day.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 22, 2009
  8. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    the right person? nearby? not in my lifetime i dont think. but maybe your right. problem is even "medicating" it doesnt work. but yeah, ill agree on overcoming my self hate is a struggle.

    and um thanks for being understanding. so many people are patronizing or critical...
  9. WldHair

    WldHair Well-Known Member

    I have a very mischievous side. I've had since I was a kid. So far I've been able to control it. Sometimes I just want to hit people for no reason. Or break stuff. Like when I see people talking or performing, I wonder what they would do if I walked up in the middle of what they were doing and take their stuff away or push them or hit them. If someone shows me a photograph or a paper that's important to them, I wonder if I just ripped it up, what would they do to me. I don't know why I have that. Like a little imp lives inside of me that just wants to create chaos. I just think about it and tell myself I'm not going to do that.

    Ariel, for what it's worth, why not come clean with your friend. I had a friend and we both sang for this producer. I felt like he liked her more than me and he offered her an album deal. I was jealous and I couldn't stand her. One day we just wound up together and she invited me to her house and fed me. I didn't have much money. She was so nice to me that I couldn't keep my secret from her so I told her how I felt. I said I was sorry and I wish I didn't feel that way because she was really a nice person. She hugged me and told me I would be her best mate because no one would ever admit what I did. After that day we were really close, and I no longer had those feelings about her. I was happy she furthered her music career. Sometimes when we just come out with it, we're able to face our true feelings and we find we don't need them any more.
  10. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    I suppose you're right. I should tell my friend how I feel. I've been avoiding her for the past week. She's called, but I've let her calls go to voice mail. Again, I enjoy her as a friend, but now I'm trying to figure out if I should come clean about my feelings or cool off for a while and then come back and hang out with her. I don't know. I know what you say is the best course of action. I just have to work up the nerve. I'm not used to exposing my feelings like that to others. I'm also afraid she'll look at me differently. I don't want this to negatively affect our friendship.

    I know what you mean by those chaotic thoughts. I have those too. They are compulsive. I will even have these thoughts about people I care about. It's never personal. I think it's some form of OCD. It has to be. Whatever is taboo, my mind wanders over into that territory like a dare. I try to block the thoughts, but the only way I feel relief is to let them flow, then I feel shitty after that because I know my thoughts are horrible. I don't mean them at all. They just pop up.

    I think these thoughts stem from anxiety issues. The more stressful I am, the more morbid my mind becomes. When my anxiety is low, I don't get those morbid and compulsive thoughts nearly as much. There's certainly a connection with stress.
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