Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Cariad_Bach, Dec 7, 2013.

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  1. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    He TOLD her.
    He told her what I do and how I try to cope.
    He had no right.
    He had no reason.

    I'm so angry.

    But he's so sorry. He regrets telling her. He cried when he realised how affected I was.

    So I'm not allowed to be angry anymore... I'm not allowed to be bothered anymore... I have to forgive and forget and move on.

    But I don't know whether I trust him. Not just trust him to keep my secrets but trust him to know them, be privy to them, be my confidant, anymore. To cope with them, with me, and to be there with me... I feel all alone, again.
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    not sure who he or she is... but regardless, it sounds like he was someone you totally trusted and he breached that trust. you have every right to feel angry and to not trust him as much... he hurt you, regardless of if he intended to or not. i would tell him u need some time on your own to figure things out... maybe 1 or 2 dys, nothing really long cuz isolation is never truly good. during that time, you need to sort out in your mind:

    1. has he ever damaged your trust in the past?
    2. did he do this maliciously or unintentional?
    3. does the relationship with him mean enough to you to try to work this through

    if your answer to #1 is "no" then perhaps you can still work on things, only do not trust him with big things anymore until he can prove to you that he is trustworthy again

    if your answer to #1 is "yes" you need to seriously consider if you should continue telling him big things at all ever again, or if you think you need to just talk to him as you would an acquaintance.

    if your answer to #2 is unintentional ... then you can try to work through it with him

    if your answer to #2 is malicious ... i strongly suggest severing ties with him

    if your answer to #3 is "no" .. then tell him you need to sever the friendship as you can no longer trust him and do not feel safe being his friend anymore

    if your answer to #3 is "yes" .... then you need to decide these things

    #1 does he hurt you more than help you or help you more than hurt you?
    #2 has he been trustworthy up til this point?
    #3 do you believe he did not intend to hurt you?

    if your answer to #1 is "hurt you more than help you" ... then you need to either a) sever all contact with him and tell him you cannot be freinds anymore .. or b) distance yourself from him and make sure you do not tell him anything that can hurt you if it is exposed

    if your answer to #1 is "help you more than hurt you" .. then i would suggest trying to work through this.. but start off by not telling him anything that can potentially hurt you if exposed, and if you notice that he's not telling anyone, and not making mean comments, then you can tell him small things that are more personal, again if you notice that he's not talking to anyone about it or making mean comments, then, when you feel comfortable, you can start opening up to him again

    if your answer to #2 is "yes" then i suggest trying to work through it with him, but let him know he has damaged your trust so it will take time to regain it again and just limit how much you tell him (as described above) until you are comfortable telling him more again

    if your answer to #2 is "no" then you either need to treat him as an acquaintance and not tell him anything personal, or sever all ties

    if your answer to #3 is "yes" then i suggest trying to work it out

    if your answer to #3 is "no" then you can either a) proceed with limited trust very cautiously and watch him closely for any other malicious type behavior (not highly reccommended to opt for this though unless he has never maliciously tried to hurt you in past) .. or b) sever all ties (highly recommended especially if he has ever maliciously hurt you in the past)

    you are always allowed to feel whatever emotion you have, there is no right or wrong emotion... we all react diff to the same situation, never let anyone make you feel that your emotions are unwarranted/unacceptable ... i know how much damage that does as i've had a ton of personal experience in it and if you allow yourself to beleive them, as i have done.... you will cause yourself to not be able to heal well and/or not seek out the help you need , please don't go down that road

    i also am a strong believer in forgiving, but never forgetting... you can forgive someone for anything, but if you forget it too... then most times, they will just keep repeating it over and over and you will just keep pushing it away, so they will see no reason to really change .. nor will you see reason to protect yourself... not a good thing at all...

    i hope this helps in some way, its all a matter of opinion of course, so if you don't agree with any part of it, its fine and i will understand and respect that... but this is the best advice i know how to give you

    i hope all the best for you, take care and be safe!!

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