See everyone in the after life!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Megazoid, Nov 3, 2006.

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  1. Megazoid

    Megazoid Member

    Hello Everyone,

    Today has been the toughest day in my entire life. I have suffered two breakdowns in the past three months due an on-going health problem that isn't being addressed. I have searched high and low for a surgeon (or specialist) who can help me but each and everyday the chance of recovery get's lower and lower. I am sitting back watching my body decompose.

    Three months ago i was diagnosed with a rare testosterone disorder. It was difficult to treat because my body was "immune" to all the available drugs. I suffered a fall that damaged my brain as well as left testicle. This in turn caused a rare condition to form where my body shut down all natural testosterone production. It was difficult to treat because my body was immune to all available drugs in the field and each day my condition was getting worse and worse.

    At this stage my body has shutdown and i an longer feel like the healthy, young guy. The doctor's don't listen to me when i tell them about the aches and pains i am suffering and keep telling me this is a "genetic" situation when really it's not (it's vascular and a hormone disorder caused by tramua). This has been proved by blood results. I no longer wish to go on living this life of pain and suffering and tonight will end my life. I do not wish to disclose location, methods or anything else for that matter. I will bring along some music i composed myself and will continue life on the other side.

    I am sorry i couldn't have spent longer to help others but the amount of problem's this has caused with me and my family is unbearable. I don't want to cloud over the good times with the most negative experience of my entire life. I won't sit back and watch my body decompose before me with no one trying to help me.

    I have gotten alot of courage and help from friend's and family but everything erupted today with my family. No one can deal with this difficult situation anymore including myself. Testosterone controls a large part of what it is to be human and when this taken away (even in small amounts) your mind can play back tricks on you. You can suffer depression, mood swings, physical changes as well as a whole host of bad experiences in general. It can make you a difficult person to live with.

    I want to leave one quote behind for everyone to read and really focus hard on how difficult their situation "really" is. For some i might be seen as taking the easy way out but the fact of the matter is the problem is alot deeper than this. When your own body and health is against you it can be difficult to deal with.

    My quote is as follows:

    "Have no fear. Go on your instinct. Never regret your decisions. Use every single skill, passion or ability and work todo your best, even if it mean's going against all the odds. Overcome the odd's and show the true strength of what it is to be human. Never take your body and health for granted - NEVER abuse yourself no matter how bad thing's get. Live strong and don't die young. Life is an experience - always remember the good times along with the bad."

    Well take care everyone and always stay strong no matter what the odd's are against you. Just remember you can beat anything.

    Best Regards,
  2. goliath

    goliath Active Member

    I will pray for you Dave. My heart is bleeding reading your letter. You sound like you've really made up your mind. Just remember once you've killed yourself there will be no tomorrow. You will no longer be able to do anything. To change things, to get help or to help others. Nothing. There will be no going back. Are you really sure your time has come? Perhaps you have something else to do in this life not in the afterlife? How do you know that God has not preparred for you the biggest job of your lifetime yet? Think about it.
  3. sleeper82

    sleeper82 Member

    You say that you wont sit back and watch your body decompose so you'll kill yourself instead?? Thats logical. Im may not be the best peron to give you advice but Ive been suicidal too sometimes and that gives me the right to comment here.

    I may not know the suffering youve been through either and it sound bad with your condition but dont throw your life away because of it. Think of your family who will be hurting after your gone, they dont care about your disorder, they just want you around, Please dont do this. You can beat it, you just havent found the right doctor yet that understand you. Keep looking, your gonna nail this thing on the head.

    Im gonna use that quote that you wrote because I really liked it.
  4. In case my PM-reply doesn't reach you in time, my answer is yes.
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2006
  5. Syd

    Syd Guest


    Thank you for the quote, and I will try my best to remember what you've said and think of this story whenever I need the strength to get through something difficult. I wish more people could've known about this sooner.
  6. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Hi Dave, it's sad to read your story. I don't know what I can say to help, have you considered seeing another doctor and/or therapist? There are medications out there which can slow down the affects of certain illnesses and you're likely to find something by having a look around the internet. I truely hope that you're okay, and if you read the replies to this thread then please give us an update on your situation if you'd like to, we're here for you. :hug:
  7. Syd

    Syd Guest

    He had been my favorite user so far because of second post, I had thought something great was going to happen. :( It seemed like there was determination there, but maybe just not enough energy in the end. Maybe something good can still happen.
  8. Megazoid

    Megazoid Member

    Hello Everyone,

    I almost feel a sense of irony while typing this message.

    Today was a rough ride for me. Just reading some of the post's on this forum gives me hope to continue my on-going battle to help others. All through my life i have dealt with difficult odd's and i have experienced a great deal of emotions due to this. I spent my entire life "understanding" and "experiencing" these emotions so i could help others.

    I would like to thank everyone for the support they have given thus far. My intention is not too seem like a hypocrit but rather a ray of hope for anyone who takes the time to read my original post.

    Last night a few event's happened and i made a very difficult decision to hold onto my life with every last bit of energy i have. I lay awake all night hoping for that last remaining shred of hope to corres through my veins. My body want's to die but my mind must hang on until i complete my final goal.

    I was up almost all night and spent alot of time thinking about everything that's going on. I thought about all the months of study i have put into my condition, my friends and family and the strength i must have to change the world. In a dark room i must see the light. I must 'program' myself to fight on.

    I feel my story is important and i plan to go forward with my idea and start a website, group and movement aimed towards this. I will need supporters and people to help pass on these 'messages' of hope to people in need. I want to help every single person on this website in whatever way i can.

    I will carry on with this illness consuming my body and every thought, but i will not let it win. I am holding a gift that i have worked hard to obtain. I want to give everyone the chance to experience this gift and learn what it is to be alive.

    For now i have stopped all medication but i have an optimized diet to help ease the pain and control my condition. I am still able to walk, talk and go about my daily routine but i feel alot weaker than normal. My mental state varies.

    As children we fall and our parent's help us to get back up. We must fall to learn how to get back up. Sometimes we don't have someone to help us and we feel trapped. My arm will always be there to help others. I will give myself the energy to do what i can to change the world, one person at a time.

    Kind Regards,
    Your Friend
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 4, 2006
  9. Syd

    Syd Guest

    I believe you're moving in the right direction with this, it's very rare for someone with your amount of willpower to be in such circumstances between life and death, it's situations like this that can provide insight in its truest form. Don't give up on the doctors, I believe that perseverence will pay off and the help will come to you eventually. Get all the food/water and rest you can, it sounds like your determination is still strong and you have a lot of purpose in you. Thank you, and I look forward to your project, let me know if I can help in any way. The truth is waiting to be explored and shared with all of those who are lost.
  10. nothing-

    nothing- Guest


    I really appreciated you pming me earlier. I am taking some of your advice, and don't think I was ignoring you, but I lost the nerve to talk about it anymore, and I couldn't bring myself to reply again...

    Anyway... I am really not good with these kinds of things, nor am I good with words... I don't think you are here looking for pity, so I will just wish you luck with everything you are looking to accomplish. I won't pretend to even be able to fathom being in your situation. The only thing I can say is that your private messages to me truthfully and honestly made me feel just a bit better about my self, and believe me, I appreciate it. The world really needs more people like you.
  11. Dave303

    Dave303 Well-Known Member

    HI Megazoid, if U die by your own hand think of what your parents or anyone U care about will go through. The afterlife is meant for life after death. It is not a shortcut we are supposed to reach by ourselves. If U need to talk U can PM me anytime at rayden291 on yahoo messenger. Please talk with us.
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