seeking a little advice

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by beautifulmisanthropy, Feb 1, 2015.

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  1. Hello everyone,

    First and foremost I would like to say that, despite my name and the information on my profile, I am not what you would probably be inclined to define a misanthropist as, but I do have a somewhat hatred for people whom I consider "intellectually inferior"- in a way that I find hard to explain. I listen to heavy and death metal and I feel as though I can connect to this music on an emotional level that I cannot explain; I primarily listen to Slipknot, Five Finger Death Punch, Slayer... bands generally associated with hatred and misanthropy. I don't think of myself as a bigot or as an intellectually superior person but I am inclined to think down on people who appear to me as a person of, shall I say, "lower intellect"- ei people who do not care for their own education and people who are in and out of relationships without a second thought. Despite this I would consider myself a relatively relaxed person. I am a 17 year old male, the oldest of three children, living in semi-rural central Queensland, Australia.
    Second, I would like to say that I am struggling to understand a few things in my life right now and that perhaps somebody here could help me clear my mind over a few things a little.

    A few quick things about myself seeing as I do not yet have an introduction thread-
    -I have not have medically diagnosed depression, however during a period in which I was home-schooled and thus not having contact with people outside of my immediate family for months at a time, I realised myself to be generally depressed to some level and as such made the decision to return to a regular public school.
    -I have a neuro-muscular atrophy named Charcot Marie Tooth syndrome which largely affects my reaction time and creates muscle wastage in my legs and hands, and as such am self conscious of my physical appearance and of the way I walk and my level of fitness- the largest factor of my decision to begin homeschooling.
    -I lead a "normal" life, I have no problems with family abuse and am in fact very close to my mum, dad, and full brother and sister- my parents have never divorced and I have no half brothers or sisters and I feel like I can talk to my parents about perhaps anything other than what I am experiencing right now. My parents have a very stable relationship and money is not an issue for my family.
    -I have a number of very close supportive friends and don't suffer with any feelings of being alone
    -I am a well known figure around my school of 600 people for my care-free attitude and sense of humour. I've partaken in enough community events around my school including stage acting and lame stand up comedy that I could confidently say that there is not likely to be a large number of people who don't at the very least know my name or face.
    -I have never had an issue with people "bullying" me- anyone who has ever tried to insult me will find me as someone who does not easily take offense to anything and I usually find myself able to shake off anything said to me.
    -I am in my final year of High School- Year 12- and so far I've done much better than average in the subjects I have chosen (Maths B and C or "advanced maths and scientific maths", senior Chemistry and Physics, mainstream Senior English and Science 21). I was amongst the top of my class for all of these subjects last year and have had minimal problems this year thus far.

    Now, despite leading what I am easily able to see as a comfortable and very good life, I have been aware of my own suicidal thoughts from quite a young age; perhaps as young as 7 or 8. I have said these things about myself not as a way of bragging or to try and find some sort of acceptance over the internet, but to try and explain why I am confused at my suicidal thoughts- I live a good comfortable life and I really have little problems to worry about- other than a difficult relationship that I'm going through and my recent questioning of my sexuality (which have not been issues for more than six months, while my thoughts of suicide have been with me for maybe as long as 10 years). I don't struggle with the concept of "living only to die and lose it all" or anything like that and I honestly can say that I enjoy my life a lot. I'm not fixated or obsessed over religion or any other thoughts, however occasionally I just have a weirdly strong urge to kill myself for a reason which I cannot understand. I almost feel sometimes like the only reason I have not killed myself is because this would be a very selfish action, leaving my parents with the death of a second child (as my elder sister died before her first birthday due to heart complications). I could not bear the thought of my friends and family having to cope with the loss of my life for a reason which I cannot even understand myself.

    I attempted suicide twice during home school<mod edit - methods>. Both of these times I had not felt sad or anxious or worked up in any way. I had calmly made the decision that I wanted to kill myself and had not even decided a proper and solid reason for my own motive.

    I may start a thread in each the sexuality and relationship subforums to clear up a little of my sexual confusion, but for now my main concern is, why would a moderately healthy, well known and accepted person such as myself be constantly thinking thoughts of suicide? It worries me that perhaps one day something may happen that just drives me far enough to take my own life and leave behind a hole in the lives of the people who knew me, and I would like to hear if anybody out there has had any similar experiences to me.

    I have not called a suicide hotline or talked to a counselor about this issue as I do not want my parents to have to deal with the thought that their son may be suicidal.

    Thank you everybody for your time,
  2. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    suicide hotline may work actually though, some lines are free also, could ring from a payphone so doesn t appear on phone bills at home and not tell them your age?
    maybe you re creating bad because there s a lot of good and not enough bad. to fully appreciate all that is good, there must be some bad sort of thing? idk
    also forums like this, find people who have similar issues or people you can relate to, helps a lot, so welcome
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