For a good few years now, I have always entertained the thought of dieing. A lot of the time, I want to do it myself.. and then sometimes I have these ideas of someone else killing me in a really degrading, violent way. I knew I was a masochist years ago when I got a kick out of abusive relationships, but recently my thoughts have intensified and I can't stop thinking about being beaten, raped and murdered. .. I dunno. I have fantasies about meeting someone who will do just that.. and I write all the time about these scenarios.. Hmm.. Sometimes I just wish I could talk to someone who has an understanding, whether they're like me.. or maybe on the opposite side and have thoughts of hurting others.