Want to start off by saying that my depression is worse than I let on, but not severe. However, I think about being better off dead on an almost daily basis - I see it as a solution and inevitable thing to the life I have. I can't foresee a positive future where things would change for the better. With that said, I don't plan on ending things immediately, rather I'm waiting for the right time.
Now the background of my dilemma: 3 years ago while coming out of a severe episode, I met C. She is everything I could hope for. But circumstances beyond our control prevented us from being together. 2 years ago I then met S and were preparing to get married. But I called it off last year because I still had feelings for C. Both are long distance relationships.
I've accepted the reality of not having a life with C, and that I am better off alone and just waiting for the day when I can call it quits. Then S contacts me yesterday about picking up where we left off. While I don't have such intense feelings for S as I do for C, I still care for S. And being alone gets, well, lonely....
Is it a good idea to start up again with S? It'd be harder to commit suicide when there's a spouse in the picture - the moral implications is hard to resolve. How much more difficult could marriage be when it is to someone other than the one you love most?
Now the background of my dilemma: 3 years ago while coming out of a severe episode, I met C. She is everything I could hope for. But circumstances beyond our control prevented us from being together. 2 years ago I then met S and were preparing to get married. But I called it off last year because I still had feelings for C. Both are long distance relationships.
I've accepted the reality of not having a life with C, and that I am better off alone and just waiting for the day when I can call it quits. Then S contacts me yesterday about picking up where we left off. While I don't have such intense feelings for S as I do for C, I still care for S. And being alone gets, well, lonely....
Is it a good idea to start up again with S? It'd be harder to commit suicide when there's a spouse in the picture - the moral implications is hard to resolve. How much more difficult could marriage be when it is to someone other than the one you love most?