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Seeking advice

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by tired82, Feb 13, 2012.

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  1. tired82

    tired82 Well-Known Member

    Want to start off by saying that my depression is worse than I let on, but not severe. However, I think about being better off dead on an almost daily basis - I see it as a solution and inevitable thing to the life I have. I can't foresee a positive future where things would change for the better. With that said, I don't plan on ending things immediately, rather I'm waiting for the right time.

    Now the background of my dilemma: 3 years ago while coming out of a severe episode, I met C. She is everything I could hope for. But circumstances beyond our control prevented us from being together. 2 years ago I then met S and were preparing to get married. But I called it off last year because I still had feelings for C. Both are long distance relationships.

    I've accepted the reality of not having a life with C, and that I am better off alone and just waiting for the day when I can call it quits. Then S contacts me yesterday about picking up where we left off. While I don't have such intense feelings for S as I do for C, I still care for S. And being alone gets, well, lonely....

    Is it a good idea to start up again with S? It'd be harder to commit suicide when there's a spouse in the picture - the moral implications is hard to resolve. How much more difficult could marriage be when it is to someone other than the one you love most?
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I think you need to get further along resolving the issues that are causing your depression before overcommitting to S. I would consider picking it up with S, but let her know the score and see where it goes. Maintaining a facade is just too hard and eventually you'll crack under the pressure of it.

    I hope that helps some, feel free to drop me a PM.

    Much love
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I was thinking that you should look at what you can have not what you cannot have If that relationshipe with C is not ever going to happen then you need to resolve those feeling and let them go so you can move forward and really appreciate the person who truly cares for you.
  4. tired82

    tired82 Well-Known Member

    I've pretty much come to terms with C, in terms of not having a relationship.

    My concern with picking up with S again revolves around selfish issues. On one hand it would be selfish to exit while being in a relationship with S. On the other hand, a commitment with S may prevent me from exiting and make me resent S for it.
  5. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Ill be honest, you can't begin to make yourself feel better when you're effectively having someone in your life in a position that's there for that form of internal stability imo. Not at a basis for being together. It's .. well I wont get into what I think it is, but all I can say is, if you're honest with yourself, continueing a relationship with S when you're thinking now about these sorts of reasons for being with her is inevitable going to make you depressed on it's own eventually. Let alone the main Core point, she's a person, who deserves someone who loves her and as pure a truth as can be to wanting to be with her. You're leaning already on her being there to keep you from venturing into suicidal places. I dont think that's good for you, nor for her. You're combating your issues now, don't start something the wrong way that very easily can lead you back to a dominate negative part of your life. You're both worth more than that.
    If you care about S, then yes, you have to come to grips with how you feel for C and your outlook on life through those feelings. Letting go and sorta liberating yourself from her is probably a good place to start. But yeah.. It's one thing todeal with your own problems, it's two more big pictures when you bring someone else into the equation. You got their life that you're affecting, and then you've got the life you both share, aswell as your own todeal with. They all work together in some relation, and if she's there to bolster your own personal self, that's a no no tbh. That's the beginnings of potentially dodgy situations that can have no good outcomes, just a lesser of two evils.
  6. tired82

    tired82 Well-Known Member


    For the most part I agree with what you're saying, particularly being involved with someone when potentially I act on suicidal thoughts. I honestly don't know if I would act on those thoughts when I'm involved in a relationship or the relationship is prevention from acting on those thoughts.

    From what you have suggested is that a person with depression and suicidal thoughts should not get involved in a relationship when the other person has to bear the burden of the depressed. While I wish this is possible for relationships with relatives - it would make it so much easier to exit when you can get uninvolved with parents, siblings, etc - at what point is a depressed person not "leaning" on the other person? Would we all have to be normal and issue-less with a clean slate before getting involved with someone? I don't know if I could ever resolve all my issues, overcome depression, become a positive person without suicidal thoughts so that I can give someone the best me I can offer.

    Yes, leaning on S in hopes the relationship would keep the depression in check is to bolster my personal self. But when is a relationship not a bolster one's personal well-being? Having this illness is like an old land mine. You don't know when or if it will go off when you step on it. I guess it's a luxury knowing that.
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