Want to start off by saying that my depression is worse than I let on, but not severe. However, I think about being better off dead on an almost daily basis - I see it as a solution and inevitable thing to the life I have. I can't foresee a positive future where things would change for the better. With that said, I don't plan on ending things immediately, rather I'm waiting for the right time. Now the background of my dilemma: 3 years ago while coming out of a severe episode, I met C. She is everything I could hope for. But circumstances beyond our control prevented us from being together. 2 years ago I then met S and were preparing to get married. But I called it off last year because I still had feelings for C. Both are long distance relationships. I've accepted the reality of not having a life with C, and that I am better off alone and just waiting for the day when I can call it quits. Then S contacts me yesterday about picking up where we left off. While I don't have such intense feelings for S as I do for C, I still care for S. And being alone gets, well, lonely.... Is it a good idea to start up again with S? It'd be harder to commit suicide when there's a spouse in the picture - the moral implications is hard to resolve. How much more difficult could marriage be when it is to someone other than the one you love most?