Seeking Guidance in Life.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by someguy4000, Oct 18, 2010.

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  1. someguy4000

    someguy4000 New Member

    I have lost my way and have actually thought about suicide which I don’t want to do, and am seeking guidance. First, I’ll explain my background and then go into the problems I am experiencing.

    Yes, this is a HOMO-related problem to those who are already assuming it… Gays go through too much issues in life. If there’s one wish I could have, it would be for the world to accept gays as the way they are. Of course, there will NEVER be equality to gays, and there will ALWAYS be discrimination and disgrace in those that are gay. My sexual orientation is chubby white men, by the way, which is seen as the lowly section in the gay community.

    I’m a 19 year old Asian male, specifically Hmong, STILL IN THE CLOSET. To those of you who don’t know what the issue of being Hmong is, I will explain. Being Hmong leads to many regulations. Considering that I am the youngest SON in my family, I am destined to take care of my parents by finding a fulfilling wife and making my own family. Also, you can ONLY marry other Hmong girls. Asian parents are also more caring than others, so they like to know exactly what you do and where you’re going. Hmong also stay very close to their relatives so rumors spread very very fast, and we have many relatives.

    I have been webcamming with my boyfriend every night for the past 2 months. We met online. He lives in Indiana and is 25 years old. He is out to most of his friends and some of his cousins and family members. He is into Asian chasers (typically skinnier people who seek chubby men). Yes, the love is mutual, until we meet in person (explained later). Everything about him is perfect to my perspective.

    I’ve never actually had a gf, so my parents are trying their best to hook me up with one, which fucking irritates me. Well, I find a man that I absolutely have fallen for, and we have only been talking through the webcam and texting each other for roughly 2 months. He lives 6 hours away and we have not met in person yet. I tell my parents that I am going to go visit somebody in Indiana. They ask me who I am visiting… specifically is it gf related. I lie to them yes, it’s my gf. They are absolutely astounded by the fact that it’s 6 hours away and they won’t let me go visit her unless if I take someone with me. After they discover I have a gf now, about a week later they ask me to give her number to them so that they can talk with her parents to see if her side of the family is capable. I don’t give them her number, because it’s actually a guy. They start to question me and are now demanding it. They call my oldest brother to come over and the lecturing process begins (My oldest brother is the most understandable person ever that I know of, but throughout my life I’ve even heard him discriminate Gays). My brother speaks to me privately and is really questioning why it’s such a huge problem to give my gf’s phone number to my parents. After a while, I make up another lie and tell him that it’s actually a white girl. His mouth opens and doesn’t approve of it, but won’t tell Mom and Dad about it or else they will just flip. He suggests that I dump her and find a Hmong girl, but also says that it’s my life and that whatever makes me happy. So he talks to my parents and finds a way to make my parents disregard this whole issue of giving my gf’s number to them.

    Another couple weeks pass and my relationship between my parents is getting worse. I still have not met my boyfriend in person, but we have webcammed every night since the day we’ve met online. I make the decision to go visit him (by the way, I had already announced an earlier date to visit him but couldn’t go because my parents wouldn’t let me unless if I take someone with me). So this time instead of telling half the truth (of going to Indiana -6 hrs away), I make a lie to my parents saying that I am going to Minnesota which they were fine with since it didn’t have big cities and toll polls on the way.

    The day comes and I have just arrived at my boyfriend’s apartment. The first day goes well, but I don’t sense the mutual behaviour I had felt from him than when we were webcamming. So the 2nd day in the afternoon, he asks me the question “Do you feel as close as we do now than we did when we were webcamming?” I give him my answer, then he explains that he doesn’t feel any connection and that it’d be best if we stay friends. He states that the distance in our relationship won’t work, but I have a few other reasons why in my head. Well now deep inside I am crying, but I acknowledge his decision. I don’t react negatively, but I do feel completely awkward now. We spend the rest of the day watching a movie, but I notice that he keeps his distance from me. Now that it’s the last day, I make my exit and wish him luck in the future and apologize for it not working out. We hug each other goodbye, and now I’m crying on my way back home heartbroken...

    Living in a world full of lies, and heartbroken at the same time. It can’t get any worse. The biggest reason why I think he dumped me is because of my teeth. They are not aligned very well at all, but I have all of them. I really wish I fixed it with bracers when I was a kid, but that’s not really a thought that would occur from my parents. I know I have the handsomeness because he always says how cute I am, and I normally don’t have a problem with my face. It’s only my teeth that absolutely ruins everything. Not being able to smile freely is the worst thing possible when it comes to looks.

    This is my story, and I am still heartbroken as I know I won’t find another man that fits under my conditions so perfectly, although the age could have been closer (which is probably another reason for getting dumped).

    Coming out is not an option until I graduate from college. Why? Because I will be able to survive on my own once I graduate and find a good paying job. As of right now, I am still reliant of my parents and would not be able to survive on my own without them. I don’t want to feel awkward with my family and cousins during that time.

    I am ready to cut all ties with the people I love, but at the same time will be dramatically sad to live with it. To be honest, I want to be disowned and not go through coming out to my family and cousins.

    Please reply as honest as you can in your opinions and ideas. Negative comments are expected and inevitable.
  2. OhneDich

    OhneDich Well-Known Member

    Families and its "ways of living", specially when a cultural issue is involved, can be very hard to deal with. I have a homossexual friend who took many years to tell his family about his sexual option. Before that, he was similar to you.

    Strenght is something you'll get day after day.

    You came here seeking guidance, which is really good. That means you still want to see a light in the difficult path of life.

    Do you wanna know what I think about your life? Here it is: as I could see in your writing, you're a sweet guy who wants to be understood and loved. It doesn't matter at all if you're gay or not. You still have dreams and a beautiful life to live. I don't have any reasons to tell something bad about you. And no one does.

    Feel free to write me, it will be a pleasure to talk to you.

  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    no negative comments here!

    I'm sorry that you are going through this.

    Wow, it sounds like it is really tough to be gay in Hmong culture. Also tough to deal with parents in Hmong culture too. I think these things can be tough in any culture though.

    I wonder if you could see a councilor who understands Hmong culture. I'm sure there are other people who have gone through the same experience.

    I don't think you know the reasons why things didn't work out with your boyfriend.

    Maybe you just feel insecure about your teeth, and so you assume that that is the reason.

    It could be that not being able to talk about what was really going on with you made things awkward and tense. It might be worthwhile talking to him about this. Honestly, if he really wasn't attracted to you anymore, I don't think he would still want to cam with you.

    If he would really not want to be with you because of your teeth, you would probably be better off finding someone who really loves you for you and doesn't care so much about what your teeth look like.

    You still have a lot more life to live, and there is no shortage in this world of chubby white gay men! Please don't kill yourself over this. This is something that I think you can work out, and maybe you can find a new boyfriend that you like better.
  4. someguy4000

    someguy4000 New Member

    Thanks for the kind comments, it means a lot. Yes, I generally am a very nice guy. I can't seem to yell at someone if I was mad at them, because it would just cause other problems. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all" - I believe there's some truth to that, but not in all occasions. As for the guy i fell in love for, I think he didn't notice my teeth as well over the cam as he did in person. Honestly though, I think i made a bad first image because I wasn't as talkative as usual, since I was a little nervous. Also though, having bad teeth makes me want to hide my mouth and doing so by not talking as much... but I am actually looking to invest $ in to fix it very soon.
  5. You know what? I'm a straight guy but that would be close to the top of my list too. I despise the current mean-spirited trend to demonize gays.
  6. someguy4000

    someguy4000 New Member

    That's very generous, especially coming from a straight guy.
  7. I guess you've seen the It Gets Better videos?
  8. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    thanks for sharing your story and good luck in the future.
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I'm a straight guy but have homosexual friends.. My neice is gay and she always has beautiful girlfriends.. Her current one has a very pleasant personality and always gives me a hug when she see's me..I live by the premice to each there own..Next time your parents throw there religeon in your face tell them no I am an American..
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