Seeking Like-Minded People

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Infinite Sadness, May 14, 2010.

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  1. Infinite Sadness

    Infinite Sadness Well-Known Member

    ...If that's even possible. I don't know who I am or what I am thinking half of the time.

    Just wanted to say a quick "Hi" and that I can be pretty shy sometimes. I might post or I might lurk for a bit but I'm here trying to find some answers.

    My first experience with suicide was at age 13 when my mother decided it was time to go. That was 18 years ago. It seems I have inherited her way of thinking. I have been thinking about it a lot lately which prompted me to seek out help once again.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey welcome your mom illness took her away. She would not want you to committ suicide she would want you to get help and stay healthy. I hope you reach out for help here and to doctor as well. Lots of support here so keep posting okay:hugtackles:
  3. summerschild

    summerschild Well-Known Member

    Welcome dear. I'm sorry you lost your mother as such a tender age. I know she would not want you to imitate her actions. This is a very kind generous group of people who have helped me many times. When you are ready talk to us. We are ready to listen anytime. It may not seem like it sometimes but talking does help. Take care dear and be as gentle with yourself as you would be with someone else. :hug:
  4. Infinite Sadness

    Infinite Sadness Well-Known Member

    Thanks Violet and Summerschild.
    I tend to bottle things up just like my mother did. I learned the behaviour from her but I am working on changing that all of the time. It's hard to break old patterns of behaviour!
    I know she wouldn't want that for me but sometimes I see it as the only thing that would end my crazy ups and downs and indecisiveness.
    I wouldn't want to inflict the same pain on my family either but sometimes I think they'd be better off without me.

    I have an apt with a new doctor on the 20th. I hope it goes well. I have not had a proper diagnosis since I was 14.

    I am glad I found this place though. From reading some of the board last night, I can tell there are a lot of caring ppl on here. :)
  5. jabooty

    jabooty Banned Member

    thats ok, neither do i! so welcome
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums... I hope we can support you...When you ready tell us more...So we can better understand you..I agree with the others that your mother wouldn't want this for you..Take care!!
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome....I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mum...
    good luck at the docs tomorrow..let us know how you go...
  8. Infinite Sadness

    Infinite Sadness Well-Known Member

    Yay! Someone like me... :)

    Thank you guys..I feel really welcome here.
    I am really nervous about going tomorrow because I don't know what I'll uncover or what diagnosis I'll get this time. Its a start though. I need to get well for myself and my family.
    I think I have decided that this is the last time I am going to try and that if it doesn't work it will be the end.
    I have hurt too many people in the past already, I dont want it to continue.

  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Hi and :welcome: to the forum. Sorry to hear you lost your mother to suicde just when a daughter seems to need them most. Teen years are tough. How did your appt go?
  10. Infinite Sadness

    Infinite Sadness Well-Known Member

    Hi gentlelady..thank you.
    It was a tough time for sure. :/

    It went alright. It was kind of rushed as I was not paying for it, it was covered under Gov healthcare funding. After spilling some beans, he said it sounds like I have been misdiagnosed a few times, that I actually saw a pdoc that worked for him that he had to FIRE (lol) because he was incompetent..*ahem* and he thinks I may have PTSD and he also wants to look into the possibility that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. He said there is a lot of work to be done, he said the word therapy which no pdoc has ever said before. It was always just "How are you today?" and "Ok, here are your pills..see you next time.."

    So I am a bit more hopeful this time. I have to be. I asked him about meds and he said that I probably didn't trust him enough yet to take what he was thinking of but I told him that was not the case, I have been on countless SSRIs (no worky) and I don't want the weight gain. He told me with a laugh, that I was in luck because what he wanted to give me were mood stabilizers that were sometimes prescribed for obesity so that shouldn't be a problem. I laughed too when I said that. I knew it sounded ridiculous. "Yeah I'd rather be suicidal than fat, thanks.." But I couldn't help it, my ED is strong and untreated right now.

    I have another apt coming up soon. Ideally I want to see him once a week but the best I can get is once every two weeks right now however he was away in April so it had to be three weeks this time.. :/ I am on the cancellation list though. I have my fingers crossed for an earlier apt.

    I have been reading up on BPD and woah. I always thought I was a freak, broken, selfish..I hate myself with a passion. I thought there was no hope for me because I was told I had anxiety and depression. Sure, I had some of that but there was so much more going on..I was ready to die and save everyone (inculding myself) the trouble of knowing me.
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