I just finished a day treatment program last week that I attended for three weeks. I found a good combination of meds that they put me on from the start and being there around people and socializing helped me a lot. This program is only a 2 to 3 week program and i am starting school this week anyway, so I could not keep going to this program even though it helped me. Now I am going back to school in a few days and even though my symptoms, depression and anxiety, have gotten better, i am feeling bad again but in a different way. So my depression and anxiety have subsided a bit more, i don't feel that pain and grief like i used to, and no crying bouts, and with the anxiety, i feel less scared and worried and less ruminating and obsessing about things; also the side effects of the meds are starting to get better, the headaches are lessening and the drowsiness has also greatly diminished. So everything seems pretty good, but there is one thing though, my suicidal ideations have increased....i find this weird and strange, but then again i can pin point what it is that I am feeling right now, pretty empty and worthless, like there is no meaning in my life, like i don't matter, like i am nobody, i try and be friends with people and call them or text them, i try and hang out with people, i try and get things done like reading a book or writing a short story, but everything always fails, everything i have done in my life was always a failure. I am tired of being isolated and being in my room all the time reading books or on the computer wasting my life. My life has no meaning, no direction, no purpose, and I am alone. So that is why I think my suicidal ideations have increased. I also know these anti depressants could increase suicidal thinking, I am on Lexapro. I just feel indifferent, no pain, but no contentment either, no happiness, no love, just nothing. I still have low self esteem and self hatred. I did start these new meds about 3 weeks ago so maybe they have not reached their full effect yet, also i just increased the dose of both of them last week, doubling up on the lexapro, so yea, but still it baffles me that for the past several days i have been thinking about death and suicide without feeling depressed, anxious, or anything severe. I'm at a standstill.