I feel like i did just before moving last year. A physical sickness, and constant reliving of stuff with my ex. I've pretty much given up really. I'm getting forced onto disability by someone else, which pretty well screws any slight chance of working. My only friend i had left stopped calling, say once a day or two. I got shotdown on another job app. It's been over 6 months, tied with so few places to work here, I'm not too optimistic on getting a job before disability takes in. I found a community service place, but half way through i've been feeling to awful to go in. Not sure if that means i'm screwed or not. But that's due in a few weeks. I just feel dead. Litearlly i feel like it'd be the same as being buried. The only exception is when i relive things with my ex, who seems to be on my mind lately. I have no one to talk to, hang out with, or care about really. I should have done this when i at least had something to show for it. If i wasn't scared of the physical act, i'd of done it years ago. I had a golden shot once, right before i realized how down hill it was. I can't even afford to drink away my problems, or use anything else. I just hope i can do it soon. It's my only real desire. I have one last party planned soon. Not really mine, but it's with a bunch of people i used to know. I think i'll use it to say bye to my oldest friend, before he leaves. I can just call it my pre-funeral. Then court shit will be wrapped up too. A nice clean end, to a fucked up life.