I'm so confused all the time. Everything seems distant and alien, like it's all part of a world that I'm just observing but not living in. I remember things while at the same time feeling like I've forgotten them, and I forget things that I know damn well I had remembered the day before. I'm filled with a powerful longing for "something", but I don't know what it is, and yet I am certain that it can never be fulfilled. I cling to ideas, to songs, to stories, trying to find some clue; I try to grasp what can't be grasped, and when I fail, I long for it all the more. I'm losing my mind. All I have left to hang onto is my own madness. That's why I'm not on meds anymore- such things kill the soul. I'm scared to death of the outside world. I shut myself in this little room and hope against hope that I can at least understand my longing. It's the only thing that matters anymore. I don't want to achieve anything in life, I don't want to grow old, I don't want to be this horrible broken person anymore. This desperate spiritual emptiness, this drive to find some unknown and perhaps unknowable "other" that will make my soul complete, is my single fixation and the only source of meaning in my existence. I live because the answer might be out there somewhere, but I'm starting to believe that I may never find it, and that even if I do, I won't like what I find.