self-awareness sucks sometimes

I have learned that I hate my life, not life in general. I have tried to keep hope alive, but it is fading fast. The only thing that keeps me going is that I don't want to hurt my loved ones.

I feel I'm very self-aware of my problem, and try to take steps to correct it, but I fear it is a slope I cannot traverse and am failing miserably. Despite knowing the roots of my problems, I am not strong enough to surpass them.

Medication has helped, but I can't find someone who gets it. I've tried therapists, and while they helped, I needed to find people who have gone through this. That's why I joined.

I self medicate to cope, so I don't I feel a constant stream of worthlessness and anger. Then I don't I have an overwhelming rush of hatred and frustration. I know it's part of the problem.

The worst part is I know what would be healthy, and I am intimately familiar with my issues, but I have no idea how to be "normal". Still, I don't want to be normal, just adjusted.

After years of hope and struggle, I have basically given up and let things play out as they may.

 

well hun you are right that people here will understand and get it hun
So many are fighting that same battle as you . There is hope hun always hope so please keep reaching out okay h ugs to you