I have learned that I hate my life, not life in general. I have tried to keep hope alive, but it is fading fast. The only thing that keeps me going is that I don't want to hurt my loved ones. I feel I'm very self-aware of my problem, and try to take steps to correct it, but I fear it is a slope I cannot traverse and am failing miserably. Despite knowing the roots of my problems, I am not strong enough to surpass them. Medication has helped, but I can't find someone who gets it. I've tried therapists, and while they helped, I needed to find people who have gone through this. That's why I joined. I self medicate to cope, so I don't I feel a constant stream of worthlessness and anger. Then I don't I have an overwhelming rush of hatred and frustration. I know it's part of the problem. The worst part is I know what would be healthy, and I am intimately familiar with my issues, but I have no idea how to be "normal". Still, I don't want to be normal, just adjusted. After years of hope and struggle, I have basically given up and let things play out as they may.