I wonder what can be considered self harm. I know I have a self destruct button. I know that I sometimes say and do hurtful things to hurt myself, because I'm a little addicted to the pain if I'm honest. I have to feel something, anything. If I don't, I don't feel alive. I feel numb. But then I feel like shit and alone when I push people away. But I don't know if mentally screwing myself up is self harm... And what's worse is pain isn't all I feel anymore. It's sadness. It wells up even at the simplest of moments like when a sad song plays, or something bad happens to a character in a movie.. I feel really sensitive. Like good god, crying at movies? My old self would look down upon this. Is that a sign of getting better or getting worse? And how do I turn these almost tears off? How do I feel things without becoming too emotionally overwhelmed? It's either one extreme or the other. I'm either numb or I'm a bawling mess. Can't I just be a balanced, happy calm weirdo like I used to be?