I wish I could give you an answer to why you are doing this, but I can understand it. I do this daily. It developed over time, in fact for maybe up to a year now, but I take impulsive risks. I have been told that one day it will go wrong and I will make myself very ill, that my system won't be able to tolerate the constant abuse but when the impulse kicks in and as you say, for no reason and nothing has happened, I tell myself it was OK yesterday so no reason to not do it again today. So yes, I do have these self destructive, senseless things that I do for no reason. Both cutting and medication misuse. I have said in the past that I like taking the risk in the hope that I will end up in hospital where I can get a break. But is has also been said, what if I get brain damage or die from accidental overdose? it does happen. I tell myself it is unlikely and I have everything under control. My mental health care team think differently.
My problem now is, I don't know how to stop. I can tell myself in a moment of logic that I don't need to do this but inevitably I sink into the bottomless pit and succumb to the need to take a risk and show myself that I am unworthy to be here. I guess part of it is that I don't think I could do it willingly because I wouldn't want to upset my family but if it was accidental it would be easier to take? Again, probably just kidding myself. I hurt, I want to hurt the hurt and the daily fight is hard.
I hope that you are able to think logically and perhaps posting here will help you to do that. Logic will tell you that it is not a safe thing to do, and I would certainly not recommend going down my route where it becomes almost impossible to stop the daily abuse. I hope it gets easier for you, take care
xx
