Self Discovery

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by jameslyons, May 15, 2009.

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  1. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member


    I am James and I was raped as a six year old.

    As soon as I started suffering extreme flashbacks I started to cut myself.

    Sometimes I would make small deep cuts that really hurt.

    Other times I would make long cuts up and down my body.

    The only place on my body that isn't scarred is my face, my groin, and my feet.

    When I look in the mirror I feel comfortable seeing my scars.

    I look at the naked parts of my skin and want there to be a red line in those parts too.

    But then I ask myself why I'm interested in cutting myself open for scars, and a funny idea pops in my head:

    Now nobody will be interested in getting me and I'll be safe.

    Like an animal low on the food chain, I've set to changing my appearance so as to warn predators that I shouldn't be bothered with; that I am not the little boy they're interested in.

    I feel really frightened sometimes, but I found it's better to just talk about what you're feeling to others. Instead of being frightened or annoyed when people point out your scars or signs of erratic behavior, just tell the truth.

    It helps you feel better because people are both curious and friendly.

    Even strangers don't like to see other people really suffering.

    Plus, it's helps rid the world of "emo" taboos and also helps bring awareness to the suffering in the world.

    And ... you sometimes get hugs from pretty girls.

  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I always tell the truth about what's going on with me too.

    It seems you're saying two different things. First you said you want to be like an animal low on the food chain... so no one will mess with you, but then in the second part it seems like you do want attention, hugs, compassion from people. I think it would make more sense that you were cutting for attention and hugs. I certainly feel better when I get attention for my suffering.

    You started with I am James. The rest of those things don't make up who you are. Your scars don't make up who you are. I can see why these cuts would comfort you when you've had a traumatizing past, but your suffering does not have to define you.

  3. BioHomocide

    BioHomocide Well-Known Member

    Wow that's so terrible what happened to you.... but hurting yourself wont change the past. The past came and went and all you can do is change the future.

    Tell people how you feel so you wont have to take it out on yourself. Don't hide who you are. Don't hurt yourself just because there was one horrible person in your life. There are so many good people out there that would never ever wanna hurt you. All you have to do is find those people and be happy.
  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    James, I think I know you well enough that you don't want any sympathy. But I had no idea as to the extent of it. I am highly emotional about the issue of pedophiles, as you know. I'm so sorry James. Nobody should have to suffer this much torment, except for maybe the one responsible.
  5. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    thanks for replies.

    I wasn't clear. part of new therapy program is identifying triggers and what not. First part of post was some realizations i made when thinking about self injury. that's the logic I use for cutting. its not logical.

    below it was alternatives that i find to be better for coping :)

    so much for being articulate.
  6. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member


    well i got the trigger...sadly the number of body areas that I haven't cut has been reduced from three to two. I've just cut open both my feet. Now it's only the groin and face that's not marked. :(
  7. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    from two to one
  8. Rachel123

    Rachel123 Well-Known Member

  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i used to feel so similar with my eating disorder- it'd be safety to hide and damage myself, and i have had the urges you describe but wouldn't carry them out recently as i want to protect the 5 year old inside of me and not damage her anymore.

    do you know how to protect 6 year old james? although it makes you feel safe, do you feel self harm is a type of avoidance? i always related my self harm to blocking off my emotions somehow otherwise they'd be so terrifying i want to die. i'm not sure if you feel similar.

    it's good you're learning about why you cut but depending on the therapy and safety, it could make you feel like cutting more but it might get easier with time to not self harm when going through a flashback

    your post was very poignant. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: May 19, 2009
  10. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    I think SH is a way to avoid the tnsion and pressure that builds up inside of you. The problem, as you well know :), is that after awhile acting on the self-damaging compulsions don't work as well as they did before. Then it gets to this dangerous point where I bleed out the tension, and the higher the tension the more blood is needed, the more often its needed.

    I'm working on the therapy aspect but sometimes it gets really difficult. Particularly when I have to examine the triggers in my life. It is well...for lack of a better word, triggering :)

    I sometimes wonder who it is I hate --me or the six year old.

    Thanks so much for your reply.
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