Self Harm and Other Things....

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by JustFirefly, Dec 16, 2011.

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  1. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    So, Ive craved wanting to self harm for a long time before i ever did it and when i did it was nothing i thought it would be.

    Since then it has been a on off thing. Cut a few times then stop. Cut a few times then stop.
    But the wantings always there.

    Heres how i feel.

    Unwanted. This feeling controls me. I feel so unwanted that i don't even know what to do. My friends can come up to me and say, i do care about you.. Or whatever. It has no effect.. i just see it as lies. I just see it as them truly not caring... Truly. Its getting to the point where i avoid people now.. I avoid everyone, friends and family.. I see a fat disgusting blob whenever i look in the mirror.. I am unwanted.. I am unloved.. I am everything i fought so hard not to be.. Why cant i be perfect.. Why cant i make my friends smile...

    I dont even talk to them anymore. I can lie so easily now.. Im fine. Really.
    Then after a while Jess, a friend, said idk if i believe that.
    I cant do this... I used to tell them everything. Im getting to the point where im just a burden... Im just dead weight... I need to pass away it feels... Cutting helps this. Cutting takes it away, not the loneliness, the worthlessness that i feel... But the i need to die... I Feel it and it feels justified...

    Its been getting worse. More and more cuts. The time between is shorter and shorter. I cant do it anymore it feels like.
    I just cant resist. I resist it everyday, Every day just so i can do it once a week.. Im about to break at the bend. I can feel the scars burning on my chest where they should be, Burning on my legs and arms.. They are calling to me.. They are beckoning me to cut.. Beckoning for me to bring them to life...

    they tell me they can rid this horrid feeling.. They can release this pain, this agony...
    They can tell me im alright. That i am loved... That this knife does care. That i may not have megan or jess as a true friend anymore... That they might be sick of me... That things will never be the same, that i will never have her again... But this makes it alright.
    ITs a punishment for all the wrongs i did to everyone.
    Everyone is all worried about how quiet i am.
    Kelsey and Jessica...
    I pretty much no longer text / talk to jess. She messages me almost everyday - it was flipped. I just stoped texting and talking. Kelsey pesters me and tells me shes worried. Im acting weird in theory. From requesting to sleep alone.. To other "odd" requests. She says im to quiet. I dont think i care anymore. Quiet or not... I want to take pills, i keep myself from doing it by taking melotonin.. Something not dangerous. Idk.
    How do you deal with your inner voice telling you, you deserve no love. You deserve no life, you deserve no happiness, You are pathetic. You are useless. Its true. It really is..

    Ive resulted to drinking to ease my pains. And i cant stop... I really cant.. I come home and alcohol doesnt make me "feel good" rather... I need it to keep muyself from attacking me. To keep me from killing myself.. Its a need. It can keep me from remembering everything i lost... It helps so much..
    I really dont know. Its gotten to the point where... i just feel like im a bother to everyone. Im just a burden on everyones shoulders. I am unloved... I am not special... I wish i was. I remember all the promises. I remember everything.. Im at the breaking point....
    Im at the end of the line... It doesnt matter what i say...

    Sad thing is..

    I no longer want to try. I no longer want to try to feel better. I no longer care to feel pain free, to smile, to think everything will be alright... i no longer care to feel love again, to hve my friends back. I know im a lost cause ... I know my death is inevitable.. I know its comming to an end... I know these things as fact. I know this is how it will be. And soon.. One day maybe ill feel better. Maybe ill make a cut to deep... Maybe i can let go of the love i used to feel for the only girl in the world who deserves it. Maybe i can accept all the things that i never told her. All the things that didnt matter. All the abuse i lived through...

    Looking back it doesnt even feel like she believes me.... Or is that just the depression talking?
    I hate my family... I will move far away from this place if i live... And leave all the "friends" ive made... I doubt ill get very far... But at least then... At least then i can die fully alone, without there lies wispering in my ear. Without hesitation of "What ifs". To be free.... Thats what i crave..

    Save me one more time baby? Show me how it feels to be alive. Show me what it means to live again.. Show me what it takes to be free from the shackles...
    Show me what its like to die...
    Because its all i want...
    And its all i can do to stay alive...

    Im sorry for this.. im just bothering everyone... Really... Im sorry
  2. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You aren't bothering anyone and no need for sorry.

    You are in a great deal of pain and have so much on your plate right now.

    As far as self-harm goes, I do understand, its something I've struggled with as well. It boils down to an addiction to an endorphin rush, that first few seconds. Problem with it as a coping mechanism is, is evolves into more and more. I found as I worked with my therapist on why I needed to harm, the need to harm became less. So that is something to think on.

    I hear you on having difficulties with relationships, me too. But isolation, although comforting at first, is a trap, believe me there.

    I hope you can find some real life mental health support. And of course we are here as well.

    safe :hug:
  3. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    Unfortuonatly with my extreme fear of hospitals and the like along with a crazy 60-80 hour work schedual.. I dont have the time, nor the ability to go see a therapist. They freak me out... I just had a small break down last night and i should be fine from now on...

    Isolation is what i do lately. Its all i seem to be able to deal with. I get no time alone.. Thank you though... Im... At the point of breaking down, at the point of giving up. And yeah...

    Idk. Its all confusing and i kinda just let a huge thing out out of no where in this thread and just kinda let everything out.

    As of right now - Im just exhausted.
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Nei sweet, you cannot keep carrying all of this on your shoulders hun. Life can get better if you give yourself a chance. If you got a therapist you work place should give you time off as necessary to meet with them. 60-80 hour work schedules really suck, I have been there and done that and all it did was make me worse. Are you able to cut down on your hours, that may help a little. And hospitals are nothing to be scared od. They are there to help you, keep you safe and get your treatment on the right track. And as far as SH goes, I struggled with it once upon a time. I would cut on a daily basis, now I only harm on impulse while going through a crisis phase. Things can get better and do get better.
  5. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    I know, I work a lot to just forget everything. A lot of things have been extremely bad. My gf just went into the hospital. I feel unloved... I think im ready to just give up on everything. I guess this is no longer about Self Harm. Whoops. Sigh. Im sorry...

    Its just gotten a lot worse... Everything is building up. I think im getting to the point where theres nothing left to do. I dont have a therapist anymore.. It cost to much.... I think im going to post a reply over in the suicide forums instead of SH now...
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