Self harm- embarrassed yet weirdly proud

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by asvt, Nov 12, 2007.

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  1. asvt

    asvt Well-Known Member

    I have been cutting up my arms and chest on and off for about a year. does anyone else feel proud of their scars in a weird way as if it were a war wound. i mean a few days ago i started cutting my upper arm with a razor blade and was in a sort of trance and kept slicing in the same place. I couldn't see how deep it was because of all the blood and when i finally stop i had this gapping wound which was just pissing with blood. I panicked at first beacuse i thought i would have to go to the hospital and get stitched up and everyone would know my dirty little secret. so i just grabbed a needle and tread and started stitching myself up and when i had finished i was sorta proud of it. does anyone else feel like that.
  2. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Dear asvt I'm not a cutter but somehow I have felt like self harming several times,I saw this young girl at the hospital she had cuts all over her I felt so sorry for her.
  3. Sashi0

    Sashi0 Well-Known Member

    I've never felt proud of my scars, quite the opposite im insanely embarrassed and try my hardest to stop. It's like displaying weakness in my eyes, and people just pity you, as seen above.
  4. asvt

    asvt Well-Known Member

    I too am embarrassed about them but when they all have healed i don't feel to bad about them.
  5. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    In a way I feel proud... I like them but also hate them...
  6. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    Actually, for me, they inspire such shame that I feel the need to self-harm again. It's sort of like a cycle. A sad-happy-sad type of cycle.
  7. geolab101

    geolab101 Well-Known Member

    my marks (i'm not sure if they are going to heal anymore) make me mostly embarrassed.

    i have felt feelings of pride with them as well.


    i keep thinking about how good it felt and i feel glad that i was able to find somesort of release... but afterwords it didn't help at all. my leg hurt for a while.

    i'm really mostly embarrassed; however, my marks are pretty well hidden and only those i can really trust know.
  8. dreaming_star

    dreaming_star Member

    i feel proud.....proud that i can do that to myself, and proud of the scars....its so hard to explain why tho...cutting makes me feel so powerful, and there is nothing else that gives me the same feeling of relief...its the only thing that helps me cope and gets me through the day, without it i dont know where id be...
  9. Lucie

    Lucie Well-Known Member

    I do try to hide them at work by wearing bracelets so I guess that means that I don't wan't people to see, If my colleages asked me, I would just say I don't want to talk about it, like I did when my doctor asked me.
    I've made a real mess of my thigh and will try to use makeup to cover the scars when I go on holiday this year.

    So overall, I'm not proud of the scars. But I don't regret self harming cus it's helped me cope with years of shit.
  10. Lindy T

    Lindy T New Member

    I feel proud about my scars. It's hard to explain. In one way i hate them but in another way i am proud. It makes me feel likw i can achieve something. I've been cutting for 10 years now and don't know how to stop even though i want to.
  11. Smashed__

    Smashed__ Well-Known Member

    I have never been proud, although I don't have scars.
    I haven't Self Harmed since I was caught, I've been to ashamed. :(
  12. I don't think I've ever been proud of my scars.. :unsure:

    I tend to try to hide them as much as I can, and not many know about them, although it is rather hard to hide them in the summer time. >_<:mellow:
  13. ophelia28

    ophelia28 Well-Known Member

    if anybody see's them i them i hate it. if i see them in the mirror i get annoyed. but when i've just done it and see the blood i feel i'm some where else stronger, empty, sometimes they feel like battle scars
  14. 2cents

    2cents Well-Known Member

    reading all this posts about SH gives me a shiver, how pp can opt for this way of release; but i do understand there's a reasonable reasons behind every action.
    hope you all doing ok.. :sad:
  15. martijn

    martijn Active Member

    I do feel, as you say, weirdly proud about my wounds and scars. I love having them, I feel some sort of fulfilment when I look at them, I feel confident when I successfully keep them hidden from my family (my mother knows it, but I have never shown my scars), friends and people around me. And maybe you recognize the feeling of being in control, that powerful feeling. Something like 'This is me, I'm in control' - in a sense, that makes me proud. Yet, even though I feel that good about SH, it's an annoyance sometimes. I want to keep it hidden from everyone whom I haven't chosen to tell about it. Then again, the reason I hide isn't really that I'm embarressed. I do not feel weak because I cut myself, I see it as a necessity. The reason I hide my scars is the fear of people around me (incorrectly) judging me and not trying to understand my reasons.
  16. jadedbuttrue

    jadedbuttrue Member

    i raged one time and took a screw driver all the way down my left arm a couple of times. now i have two gigantic dark scars all the way down my arm that are obviously self-inflicted. i regret ever doing it.
  17. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    I regret that I used to harm myself. But on the flip side, I have become a stronger person for it, if that makes any sense. And I'm proud of the fact that you can't really see my scars anymore... I used to go to all sorts of lengths to try and hide them, but now I can kinda get away with it.

  18. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    when i look at my scars and scabs, it's not that i feel proud that i cut...
    but that i've been able to better it.

    like they're notches in a piece of wood to signify 'hey. i went through something hard and came out alive on the other side.''s essentially impossible for others to see mine so i needn't feel ashamed by that...
    but sometimes the strength others assign to me is a joke.
  19. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    i feel like you, in not a weird way. i really feel proud of it and i only hide my scars from my family. the rest of the world.. i don´t care, and if they watch it directly i get proud of it. i dunno may be i´m too crazy but i stopped feeling regret when i finally understood that this is who i am, and that i won´t stop because other people disslike it.. this is not a good advice tought, because you start lossing control( more than before). may be you felt proud because of the stiches, don´t you think?you did it by yourself when a doctor should! well if you ever need to talk pm me:)
  20. BelovedDreamer

    BelovedDreamer Well-Known Member

    I've always felt this odd mix of pride and regret. I am not ashamed that I was (and still am, though not actively so) a cutter, because I myself do not think it is wrong. I have always held the opinion that if cutting keeps you alive, if it gives you the control or the oomph to push yourself out of a dangerous mood without death, then it is really not something to be ashamed of. It's as necessary for some people as a nicotine patch is for a smoker trying to get by without smoking. I sometimes feel regret that I am scarred, but not out of shame that I have built in myself, but simply that other people who see them may feel that I should be ashamed/embarrassed. I was a careful cutter, always sterile, never too deep, very straight lines so as to minimize scarring, careful aftercare, and it kept me alive when I felt like I was imploding. Animals caught in traps chew their own limbs off. Could they feel shame, I can only say that I believe it would be inappropriate for them to feel so. They did what they had to to keep themselves alive and as whole as they could. And why is pain, like tattooing, piercing (both taboo, but for slightly different reasons), waxing, plucking, plastic surgery, etc, allowed to be displayed? It's pain we pay other people to enact on our bodies or that we enact/choose to enact upon our own bodies, and they are not only socially acceptable or more socially acceptable, but also in some cases (waxing anyone?) socially enforced. Some days I look at my scarring and feel proud that I was struck down by an illness so insidious it took my mind, a battle that I would rather not have had to fight, and yet I took up a weapon and fought to hold on. A person with an appendectomy scar could never be told that they should be ashamed of their scar. A veteran with a bullet scar could never be told that they should be embarrassed to have such a physical reminder of war. Maybe these examples are a bit of a stretch, but whatever, fighting against something in your own head, choosing pain to fight against pain that was enacted upon you by another, none of this is shameful. Mental anguish is a bitch. I'd rather be scarred and alive, than have just walked off a bridge unscarred all those years ago, knowing that I wanted to hang on. So no, no shame, no embarrassment, just anger, that the modifications I have made to my body to save my own life or to help halt another pain, must be hidden so that others can feel comfortable.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 14, 2007
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