Self Harm or Attempt?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Kiba, May 24, 2012.

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  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I'm not really sure if I was just self harming or really attempting last night.. my mind cannot really have just one thought / urge of what I'm doing in one single moment.. All I know is, everything feels fake.. Like nothing is real.. and what I do see of reality I want nothing of..

    I am also still conflicted if I should do it again.. at least the way I did it.. I felt no more physical pains.. That actually kind of surprised me tbh.. It was like I was happy.. and away from everything.. And nothing mattered..
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun don't do that again ok that feeling of euphoria that is deep stage of depression You call for help now ok get some supports in place so you can pull you out of the darkness some hugs
     
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I have no money for a hospital.. No insurance.. It doesn't matter.. I have talked to a crisis center..they told me to call this line if I was in crisis.. I did prior to the Self harm / Suicide attempt.. But I was too afraid..To tell them the thoughts a part of me was thinking..and what I wanted to do.. They gave me some other number.. for just a talk line.. But I still couldn't tell them..

    I have it set up to see the crisis center weekly.. But I don't want to say anything.. I can't.. I don't have the money.. Not even my friend knows about what I did.. I've told very few.. I don't want people hurt.. But I find it so hard to make all these conflicting thoughts that overload my brain, go away.. they only do when I dissociate to a larger degree then normal.. But in general all I can hear is multiple thought patterns screaming thoughts into my head all at once.. What I should do.. Who I am.. it all conflicts.. And I want it to stop.. It makes me become such a dick.. I cant remember what I say all the time.. I have some false memories.. I'm sorry for causing so much trouble.. I'm trying to minimize it...
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not causing any trouble here hun i wish you could trust your workers more Let them know your thoughts i know it is hard but if you don't get help now it will only get worse.
    Please hun keep talking here ok It helps to talk about all that noise in your head Releasing the thoughts putting them into words so you can see them helps hugs
     
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    It honestly doesn't help. I want to seriously fuck myself up. My brain is on constant overload. I both want to feel nothing, and want to feel real at the same time. I want to wake up from this nightmare. That is what it feels like. I am in a seriously long nightmare. I'm fairly certain I am fucking things up. Weather you see it or not on here, I am. I'm a fucking demon. And I need to be put out of this misery.

    I've been in fucking treatment for so goddamn long. It does nothing. Medications fuck me up. Hospitals make the episodes and dissociation worse. All I can fucking remember of hospitals is how they fucking would talk shit behind my back. How they told me to stop acting like a fucking child when I couldn't fucking help my dissociation, I cannot fucking help that I am autistic.

    I am tired of fucking living in this bull shit! It's fucked up. And even here is doing nothing.No matter what the fuck I do, it will matter not. :/
     
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