self harm, redux

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by worlds edge, May 29, 2008.

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  1. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    On a thread from over a year ago (which you can read here) I discussed using self-harm as a tool for goal accomplishment. I am seriously reconsidering returning to this, though to this point have not actively done anything. The reason why I'm returning to it, is, quite frankly it seemed to work. At least up to a point. I will employ the same technique mentioned in the earlier thread. The pain it causes does not seem to lessen with repeated administration, and since no permanent marks are left I am reasonably sure I will avoid detection.

    Although I've decided that suicide is off the table for the foreseeable future, at an absolute minimum the next five years, I find myself in the curious position of being even less interested in living and even less interested in getting things done than when I was actively reviewing methods for ending my life. Possibly this is because the setting of a deadline (literally) made accomplishing things tolerable, possibly not. I, of course, still think of suicide daily, but will not consider acting upon my thoughts at present.

    In a curious sort of way, there appear to be two elements of my personality in conflict. I acknowledge the fact that I owe an absolute duty to several others, and due to this fact cannot proceed as I would wish and end my own life. So I must live, and I continue to do so. Yet, contra this, the element of my personality that craves death is still in place and truly doesn't care if bills are or are not paid, resumes are or are not updated, etc. This part of me finds the momentary pleasures of watching youtube clips far more diverting. Not pleasurable, just far less work.

    In the previous thread, there was a suggestion that instead of trying what amounts to negative reinforcement to force 'good' behavior, I should try positive reinforcement to entice the desired behavior. I don't see how this could possibly work in my case, since there's truly nothing out there that gives me pleasure. And yet, I'm certainly not wedded to the idea of causing myself pain for the sake of causing myself pain. I simply feel that this method will probably produced the best results vis a vis doing my duty to others.

    I'll probably start up this regime either today or tomorrow. I'll probably just set up a Writer file to document what it is I'm doing exactly, I'm uncertain to what level I can go into details and remain within the boundaries of the site's ToS. Feedback to this message is certainly welcome. I'm more than willing to listen to alternate ideas, though at present I think what I'm planning is probably the best method for me.
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    i dont think any way of self harm can be good hun, in any way. :/
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