self harmed a few days ago, want to do it again, worse

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ATLAFlame, Nov 17, 2014.

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  1. ATLAFlame

    ATLAFlame Banned Member

    I relapsed after maybe a few months clean the day before yesterday, not only are the cuts probably still bleeding or oozing a little (one having bled its way through almost two lots of bandages and a dressing so far, since yesterday, when i changed my bandages and dressing, and the other oozing enough to make a dressing change necessary, had to to use a burn dressing having run out of normal dressings), to make matters worse, I want to cut even more and do even more damage

    What do i do
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu go to your doctor or to emergency and get it looked at you may need a stitch to stop bleeding You reach out now before it goes to far
     
  3. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    I can't speak for you only for me but I used to self harm because it was the only way I could think of to release emotional pain. My head was so full of negativity and fear I had to find some kind of outlet for it so I would cut, and there would be a temporary release but the self hatred would come back tenfold for doing something like that to myself. Nowadays I make myself weep if there is too much of a build up of negativity, it works just as well and I don't feel guilty afterwards. I gave myself what I needed without leaving any scars
     
  4. ATLAFlame

    ATLAFlame Banned Member

    I physically can't cry, it is an impossibility for me. I suppose I'm tired of fighting for myself and everyone else, but if i stop fighting, then i know a lot of people won't make it through their struggles
     
  5. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    Do you work in the health care profession?
     
  6. ATLAFlame

    ATLAFlame Banned Member

    No. But i do provide support to those with mental illness.
     
  7. ATLAFlame

    ATLAFlame Banned Member

    Please kindly refrain from saying the usual bs about cos I'm not a professional, i can't, and shouldn't, help anyone. Heard that enough times from enough people both online (but not yet from anyone here) and in person/real life. It really makes me feel like shite, and can lead to me relapsing, when I'm told that just because I'm not paid for what i do, or qualified to be a mental health professional, I do not have the ability or skills to help people. Especially when I've devoted so much time to helping people and saving lives on- and offline (which some of those people who have said these things have completely dismissed and stated i haven't helped anyone, rather it was the mental health team that they didn't have), as well as spending a lot of time on top of that learning about mental illness and how to help people with them.

    I do apologise for the rant, but it really doesn't help me when people say about the commonly held misconception that you have to be a mental health professional to be able to help people with mental illness, and that I'm not good enough due to simply not being paid for my services or having post-doctorial degrees and the rest of it

    Again, apologies, nobody on here has said this kind of thing yet, i just wanted to make it very clear how much of a negative effect on me this kind of statement has and hopefully to avoid any future arguments and/or distress to me or others. I'm an unqualified lifesaver who has devoted at least 4 years of my life to helping and saving others, I'm 21
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 18, 2014
  8. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    How can you give positive advice to others when you are hurting yourself? Don't you consider yourself worthy of the same sort of help you give others? These are genuine questions, not jabs at you. :)

    How about a holiday where you just take some time for yourself and give back to yourself?
     
  9. ATLAFlame

    ATLAFlame Banned Member

    Its my purpose in life to help others, I hurt myself still yes, but i am attempting recovery and my recent slip up was after a few months clean.
    Unfortunately if i did take a holiday, i would not be supporting those who needed my support. Then anything could happen
     
  10. ATLAFlame

    ATLAFlame Banned Member

    I snapped both of my blades i use for harm in half and when i get the chance to dispose of them safely, i will
     
  11. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    That's good to hear (regarding the blades).

    As to not being able to take a holiday, the only thing I would say is that the only life you have full time responsibility for is your own. If you are running into the ground with exhaustion because you give everything of yourself to others you will get into a state of being unable to do anyone any good at all. I know, I have friends who work for the National Health Service and find themselves in exactly that position. The trick is to simply allow yourself a break when you need it. Sometimes you have to put your own well being first.
     
  12. ATLAFlame

    ATLAFlame Banned Member

    The problem is with the NHS there's always some other person who theoretically can 'take over', I'm on my own.
    The downside to this is I cannot take a too-longer break without the potential for bad things to happen, however, the benefits outweigh the drawbacks, i am able to offer complete confidentiality, what people tell me stays with me alone and also, that decreases the stereotypical doctor mistake of leaving an unencrypted cd or a pen drive with all their 'patients' (god I hate that word, the medical system/model sure is dehumanising) details on a train or a bus or somewhere as public as that. I don't have to worry about keeping paper or electronic notes for the purpose of sharing them with other members of any care team, cos it's just me and i prefer to rely on my rather reliable memory than any flawed IT system :)
    I have only breached confidentiality once and that was due to someone being a danger to themselves or others (more the others bit, in a way at least), I did that as a last resort but, even though the person i was helping was a danger to himself (self-harm), if he had not had a crisis I would not have told anyone, unlike doctors, who if you're under the age of 18 (as we both were at the time), would tell your parents and get a care team involved often against your will or with coercion. Put all that aside though, another good side is I'm the one helping them from start to finish, no new faces thathe would have to rely on notes to get 'up to speed' on their new 'patients' situation

    Yes what I'm doing and the way I'm doing it does have disadvantages, I'd be being unrealistic if i said my methods were perfect, they're not. However it has immense advantages that outweigh the disadvantages
    Good god i can prattle on some #shuttingup
     
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, I read your posts so....I'm not going to give you BS you don't want to hear.
    What I would like you to do is look back at them FOUR years you helped people and saved lives, imagine how grateful they are to you and you to them not just to them but their families too. I would strongly suggest you put yourself the no.1 priority now and work as hard on yourself as you did for those. You are an amazing person, that is not BS. You saved lives, fu*k what others say, you know you are a good person.

    Please do not harm yourself, continue to help others and yourself. You are important just like those you once helped. Maybe helping others IS what has helped you!! Anyway, good luck.
     
  14. ATLAFlame

    ATLAFlame Banned Member

    Wow, thank you. That made my day that did. <3
     
  15. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I second that Petal. He is ducking awesome and a breath of fresh air to this forum. Respect...
     
  16. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are so very welcome *blushes* I am glad you are feeling better. You're a great decent person and should feel as such :)
     
  17. ATLAFlame

    ATLAFlame Banned Member

    You're right. I cannot let the past beat me and continue to be in the present.
    Thank you for your amazing support
     
  18. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    Yes, love yourself first, you deserve it as much as the people you've given it to, be proud of the work you've done and give a little back to yourself, I would say :)
     
  19. ATLAFlame

    ATLAFlame Banned Member

    Thank you all. :)
     
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