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Self hatred? No reasons?

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#1
It's odd to hate myself for no apparent reason, no emotional triggers, no mental triggers. In fact, my life is coming along quite swimmingly.

Little things. Such as nightmares of when I was gang raped at 14, or when I first self-injured, even my first suicide attempt, these all crawl into my mind when I don't want them to.

What if my attackers had hurt me? Or worse? What if someone found out about my self-injury the first time I did it, would I still be this messed up? And my first suicide attempt, instead of being locked up in a psych ward, what if I was 6 feet under?

Just a lot on my mind tonight and I can't find my voice to talk to people about it, other than on this forum. I just don't want people in my own life freaking out about my feelings and immediately call the police like they have before. I just want someone unfamiliar, as odd as it sounds, that may share feelings of self hatred that creep up out of nowhere, or even from some type of external triggers. Either way.
 

Sadeyes

Staff Alumni
#2
I know what it is like to hate myself...suffered from that for years...sometimes things like an attack and being gang raped as you were leave us feeling awful...you did nothing to deserve that and I am sad that you do not like yourself...please make a list of good things about yourself so that you have another narrative to tell yourself when you are feeling the self loathing...I was surprised, myself, that this can help...big hugs, J
 
#3
being gang raped is not a "little thing" it can take years to recover properly. do you have a therapist? a good trauma therapist will probably help. find someone who specializes. i'm really sorry this happened to you. hugs.
 
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