self hatred***triggering****

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by hopeless, May 25, 2015.

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  1. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    self hatred seems to fuel my 'need' to harm myself. i get so angry because i can't hold it together. it's not like anyone would even notice. i am alone. no job. no one expecting me to be anywhere or do anything. i live far out of town so no one would even notice if i did hurt myself. it would be months before anyone is really in my life again. i don't understand where my hatred comes from. i just know that i can't do anything right and it doesn't even matter any more.the excuses i used to have for not hurting myself don't exist anymore. i am alone.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi hopeless, wow you have been a member 11 years! I am sorry you felt the need to come back but glad you did for support. What's happening in a few months regarding someone being in your life? A lot of people on this site are very lonely and it brings a lot of sadness so I hope at least that online chatting will be able to help you! Please try and not harm yourself, SF is here for you :hugs:
     
  3. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    my kids just left on saturday to be with their dad for two long months. normally it doesn't bother me, but normally i am working and around people. where i live there is no one. to go to where there are people is a hardship financially especially when not working. every interview i go to is just not worth it. they always choose someone else. so i have no one and no hope for having anyone who even cares. my kids keep me on my toes. they give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. they give me a reason to force myself to eat. they give me a reason to not hurt myself. i hate to put so much on them. they are just kids. they don't even know this or they would never consent to going with their dad. i need to be strong and stand on my own but i just crumble. i have no motivation. i don't care if i eat or get out of bed. the house is not getting cleaned because i can't do it.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That is a very tough situation. Could they stay with you instead of with their dad for the 2 months, maybe tell him you really need and want them to. Do you have any friends? when suffering with depression it fills us full of lies it tricks our mind into believing that no one cares, no one would notice etc.. i am so sorry you are suffering :hugs:
     
  5. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    the kids stay with me for 10 months of the year so they don't see their dad as he lives in another state. i just have to do my best to make it without them.

    i really don't have any friends i can trust. i have been living in this area for a little over 2 years and i just now feel comfortable enough to have a few acquaintances. i usually don't talk to people too much as my problems weigh me down and i don't want to bother others with them too.
     
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