Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jisatsu, Jul 29, 2014.

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  1. jisatsu

    jisatsu Member


    I'd like to spit out everything that I bottle up for almost 10 years. It's not easy for me; I've never told anybody about it (even my doctor). There are so many things to describe... I don't even know where to start.

    I hate myself. I hate my appearance, my character... Whenever I look in the mirror, I want to vomit. Recently, I had a boyfriend. We were all 'lovey-dovey' and we were planning on going to Greece together. We met up to buy swimwear... And what? Each outfit in the whole shopping center was too small for me. I started crying and dumped him. And it's not my appearance that was the source of my suicidal thoughts today, that was because of my emotional lability. It was a lot better since I met this boy, my doctor even decided to discontinue my medications... Just one moment was to enough for me to cut<Mod Edit: Methods>. I ruined my life again. I don't want to go back to the hospital; I will kill myself there for sure. I don't know what to do... I want to commit suicide so badly I can't even think about anything other. I hate myself for my sickness, for my weight, hair, nose, skin...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 29, 2014
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi again =)

    I'm sorry to hear about the break up, break ups are always hard. Have you ever thought of losing weight in a healthy way? It really is not as hard as they make it out to be! I joined unislim in may and have lost about 3 stone. I quit drinking soda for water and diet drinks. I can still have foods I like, I just do it more sensible and smaller portions. Please do not commit suicide!! Do you have anyone you can talk to?
  3. jisatsu

    jisatsu Member

    Thank you for your answer ;)

    Yes, I have. Since the last year, I lost almost 10 kg! But it's still not enough for me. I calculated my BMI and I found out that I have a perfect weight. But I look like I weigh a lot more... But still, even if my BMI is about 22, I can't fit into any swimwears. I don't drink any soda or coke, only water and unsweetened drinks, but for a few months I didn't lose any more kilos.

    I know, that this situation is a childish excuse for a suicide, but this kind of situations are frequent for me. I tried not to pay attention to them, but I no longer can. I feel like I could never be attractive for someone or loved by someone. I feel like I am not worth it. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, that's why I wrote it here...
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You are welcome! There is no such thing as a childish excuse for suicide, everyone's mind is different. If dieting doesn't help then why not try exercising to get the body shape that you want? For example I knew someone who was very pair shaped and worked out, now she looks perfect. But the problem is everyone's idea of perfect is different so you gotta find what works for you :) Keep talking here, it will get it off your mind!
  5. jisatsu

    jisatsu Member

    The problem is that I am invalid. I can exercise a little and I tried, believe me. But I cannot jog, jump, even do crunches. I can only train light aerobics. And I do it every day. But it doesn't help, unfortunately.

    I decided to go to a psychologist. I arranged it today at 12. We'll see what will happen there.

    Thank you again for your answer.
  6. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    A BMI of 22 is not at all overweight, and definitely not a weight range where it it is impossible for clothes that fit. Is the issue that you do not like the way they look on you because not fitting would not be the issue. Also, if you broke up with your boyfriend because you could not find a swimsuit and got upset then neither he nor you "did" anything wrong so can you not call and try to correct that situation instead of simply being sad that you lost the relationship?

    I think talking to a psychologist is a good idea and I hope you find it helpful.
  7. jisatsu

    jisatsu Member

    I am telling you, all of them were too small! I couldn't believe it, because I was so proud of losing that much of weight recently. All the bras were too narrow for me. I think I have too big chest. xD

    Well, I didn't broke up with him simply because I couldn't find a swimwear... I just found out that I'm too ugly for him. I can't stop thinking that he was with me out of pity... Maybe it's not true, but I couldn't resist that feeling and did what I did.

    So I just came home and I think the psychologist helped me a little. I'm not that sad anymore, but I still feel so ugly and repulsive >.< My self-esteem is tragic, isn't it? But now I want to continue working on myself. I hope that I don't fall into some eating disorder either.
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