self hatred

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by darcy1, Oct 7, 2011.

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  1. darcy1

    darcy1 Well-Known Member

    does anyone else out there struggle with the demon of self hatred?

    i really hate myself.
    i hate my body.
    i hate my pain...mental and physical.
    i hate some decisions i have made in the past.

    i find it imposible to try to find any love for myself even though there are many things i have done that were good in the past.

    when my parents tell me that they love me...i feel like saying 'i don't deserve it'.

    self hatred haunts my dreams and there is no way to escape.

    when i try to do something to make myself feel makes me hate myself more and i feel guilty.

    so i isolate myself so no one else is exposed to the toxic mixed feelings i have inside. i never take it out on anyone else... just myself. it is a non stop voice and critic in my head that never stops. then if i am able to sleep the beast comes out full force in my dreams...

    i hate being awake. and i am afraid of my dreams.

    does anyone else struggle with self hatred all the time?
  2. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

    I'm with you. I have these problems all the time. I feel like I fucked up so bad that it's just useless. I wish I could tell you something to make it easier or give you advice on how to get through it. The truth is, I would kill to know, myself. If it's any consolation, I'm someone who understands exactly what you're going through. ever need to chat, I'm here. Hang in there.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I used to feel this way and seemed that every waking moment, I sickened myself by being has been a slow process to feel true self worth, but I can say, that now I feel much better being me...hope you find a way to embrace your goodness as well
  4. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    yea i have to deal with it a lot. it can be hard to ignore.
  5. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Yeah. Check out my self hatred post, it's way back in the queue.
  6. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    I do too. I don't hate how I look but I hate every bit inside of me. I am a devil inside. Suicide for me will also serve as a way to punish myself for being so disgusting.
  7. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    ((Darcy)) yes i battled with this forever and cause of some real things i had done long ago .. what helped me was a really good therapist who worked with me and thru this all ..

    do not love myself now.. far from it but at least to point where i can say "i am kind of ok" this is a huge improvement... LOL maybe some good help will also do the same for you... take care, Jim
  8. BlueGuitar

    BlueGuitar Member

    It's a big problem for me.
  9. darcy1

    darcy1 Well-Known Member

    the inner rage is so strong to day i am boiling inside.

    i want to tear down and destroy everything in my apartment. i feel like the guy in the movie 'the wall' where he trashes the hotel room and ends up laying on the floor surrounded by the bits and pieces of everything he destroyed all lined up in patterns around him. like i am losing my mind.

    went out for a long walk in nature for over 2 hours and couldn't percieve any beauty around me. and the rage just builds and builds with each step. come home and just lie there staring into nothingness.

    don't know how to handle it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 8, 2011
  10. darcy1

    darcy1 Well-Known Member

  11. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

    do you have any really close personal friends you can talk to about this? That helps me out when i feel overwhelmed
  12. 18 and in trouble

    18 and in trouble Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way a lot. I was bullied a lot resulting in low self-esteem and so I constantly attack myself for minor imperfection and mistakes. Remember you're not alone so hang in there.
  13. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Darcy if you feel like commiting all the destruction of everything material around you and yourself in this first video i think you need some professional help very soon..the 2nd video was not cheery at all either..

    your answer is no , i do not feel like this myself.. i have an almost 35 yr old disabled son named Johnny who needs care and love from me . therefore i need to take care of myself and him also.. i get help for myself sometimes in order to just keep going..

    you take care, later , hopefully.. Jim
  14. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

    welcome to my life. i feel like that every day. Try to find an outlet for it. mine is art
  15. darcy1

    darcy1 Well-Known Member

    i see a psychologist every 2 weeks.

    i used to do art and music. but that part of me died a long time ago.

    when i look at my art or music it's like looking at something that someone who is dead made. he was a pot head and an alcoholic. and although he had friends and felt good at the time...he is paying now.

    i have one friend left.

    you know what's really screwed up and makes me feel even crazier. that friend asked me about a month ago if i wanted to get together and watch 'the wall' at his house. i said i couldn't cause of the frame of mind i was in. then today just as i am watching these you tube clips...he phones me at the exact same time. i didn't pick it up. it's things like that that make me think i am trapped in my own personal hell from which there is no escape. like i am dead or trapped in a nightmear and souls are trying to reach out but i'm not sure if they are real or not. or if i am real or not. like the movie jacob's ladder.

    it's like it's something beyond my control...out there...a demon

    thanks for your replies.
  16. Darcy do you keep a journal of some sort? It would be nice to hear some of your back story.
  17. darcy1

    darcy1 Well-Known Member

    it's all really complicated and there is a lot of stuff i don't want to get into but i can say that it all began when i was around 5 or 6. i was having these things happen where i would zone out...and i would just stare off into space and no one could reach me. i remember fainting a couple times...seeing a bright light just before fainting. parents were worried i was having seizures. i was booked for many medical tests. they were horrible and intrusive, painful, humiliating, and one of the tests bordered on sexual was a Voiding cystourethrogram...look it up. it was truely horrific...

    at that point i shut down. i no longer saw the world as a safe place. i saw the world as a dangerous place. all hospitals are torture chambers and all doctors are evil and only want to hurt you.

    i developed anxiety and depression and many other mental disorders. in high school and into college i used cannibis and alcohol to self medicate. it helped me block out the terror and fear. got in touch with my artist.

    stuggled with booze and pot for many the 2000's i was actually drunk and stoned for 3 years in a row without missing a day.

    i know i have done damage to my body and brain with all that and i am just kind of in this...what is it that is going to come....cancer? some disease? and then get thrown back to the fear of doctors and hospitals.

    i am now taking valium to help with the anxiety...but i think i have reached tollerance.

    i don't see the world as a beautiful place...but as a prison we are kept in...where our souls aren't free. like a massive cage.

    there is a lot more but i don't want to get into it.

    needles to say the experience i had as a child made me want to leave here and never trust anyone or my body or health. and it made me never want to bring children into this world where that kind of thing goes on.

    i honestly never expected to live this long. there were times i was out riding my bike in traffic after 12 beers and wiping out...where i should have been killed. waking up with vomit all down the side of my bed and having no memory of what happened. i should have died.

    i hate it here. the physical world and being trapped in a body is dangerous. i know i came from spirit...pure consciousness free of physical form...and that is where i want to return to. it is not safe here.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 8, 2011
  18. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    morning darcy.. can't help but notice some things you just said here that sound some like my past doings.. the drugs adn booze are a real nowhere trip off into oblivion.. your early childhood checking out stuff sounds like what i have done thru my whole life.. dissociation.. off into what seems like a trance state where you are really not there and not quite sure just where you are also..k this is done usually cause the current situation is just too damn painful and need to escape..

    hope your visits with your psychologist give you some relief sometimes.. and feel a bit safe with them..everyone needs some relief sometimes..

    hope you are ok now.. tc, Jim
  19. darcy1

    darcy1 Well-Known Member

    the anxiey is becomming more and more intense each day. can't sit still. pacing my apartment.

    feeling trapped. like you are standing at a cliff ready to jump off because when yoiu look back all you see is all the mistakes you made and you are surrounded by walls and mazes.

    like holding a time bomb in your hands that you can't put down...and it is ticking and ticking exept you don't know when it is going to go off...but you know it is going off at some point...its the waiting. and its like there are people pointing guns at you and you are just waiting for the bullets to be shot. will it only harm? will it a constant mexican standoff inside your own head all the time. and it never stops.

    have to end this soon.
    can't stand it any more.
  20. darcy1

    darcy1 Well-Known Member

    sitting on the floor surrounded by piles of paper.
    ripped up phone books and self help books.
    torn to shreds.
    nose snotted up and running.
    tears rolling down my face.
    the darkness has become too big.
    the shadows overwhelm me.
    the bright spark that was once behind my eyes is gone.
    just a dim flame almost snuffed out deep inside that i can't even see or feel any more.
    days of rain.
    the wind is blowing hard today.
    the river near by is raging fast.
    maybe i'll go for one last walk into it tonight.
    fighting these feeings for 20 years.
    maybe it is time to surender.
    all that's left is emptyness.
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