Self induced Assault

Discussion in 'Rape & Abuse' started by ZTSCHN, Aug 11, 2006.

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  1. ZTSCHN

    ZTSCHN New Member

    "This was completely my fault...how could I let this happen.....they all called me a fag i'm no homo. "

    thats what I told myself, as I cruised down the streets in the early morning on this hot summer night. Even now as I recall it, 5 hours later...I still can't believe what a moron, a fucking idiot I am.

    A little back story... I took a new job in the mall, a completely sexually secure heterosexual male. This job, I was the only straight guy working there. For the next 6 months were hell from my "friends" constantly being called a fag, a homo, queer, ******. It didn't help they knew I was a virgin.

    "You must be gay dude look where you work, and you've never fucked a girl."
    "I think i'm gonna get a hooker for my birthday, you down J?"

    thats what triggered it tonight....thats what triggered my entire problem.

    Back to 1:00 am I find a woman...in my mind proving to myself I'm not gay she enters my car. "whatch yoo want?" I answered with an innocent "I, I don't know"
    "A blowjob is 10" I said okay.

    I really feel horrible, I'm a horrible person for inducing this on myself. I'm a hypocrite, all my morals and values have just turned upside down by one act..one act I can never take back, for my immortal soul to languish in hell if G-d sees fit.

    The deed was done. She leaves the car. I think to myself how stupid I am for doing that, how moronic...it wasn't even that great. I could have a terminal illness now because I couldn't keep my dick in my pants. G-d forgive me. G-d forgive me. G-d forgive me.

    if anyone reads this, which I hope someone takes my experience into consideration and doesn't do the same thing, please comment on what you think I should do in my self induced sexual assault.
     
  2. DoubledStratum

    DoubledStratum Well-Known Member

    Well, sounds like your friends are homophobes. Which in turn means that if they're ready to turn on you so quickly you can either shrug it off and let them get used to it, or shrug them off and find some new friends who won't jump to conclusions so quickly. :dry:

    First off, you're whatever you are, and on this occasion you're heterosexual. People saying you aren't will not change that; you don't need them to validate how your body works. If your job pays well and the people there are fun to be with, screw whatever anyone else says. Moneys are good.

    And ultimately, physically you are just $10 worse off. Though the psychological implications must be a lot feircer. Frankly, my practical advice is to chalk this up as a learning experience and move on, though I know were I in your shoes I'd find that nigh on impossible to do right now. :sad:

    You're in the US. If STD screening is confidential there, I'd recommend you get yourself checked, just to set your mind at rest.

    Asides from that, all I can do is just wish you good luck. ^__^
     
  3. ZTSCHN

    ZTSCHN New Member

    thank you very much for your insight....I still feel dirty, and I've called up a couple hotlines to talk about the experience...I just don't know what to make of myself. I have had gay friends tell me i'm the most ungay person of all time.

    Really when I started the job I had the same outlook as you...I feel like I've really fucked up bad here. I have no idea where to get tested either.
     
  4. MalcolmD

    MalcolmD Member

    It's not likely you'll get an STD from a blow job. I drove a taxi at one period in my life and gave up on hookers altogether because they really were disease-ridden; even with condoms a guy can catch crabs and condoms can break too. Not worth it. Even when I relented the waiting for days or even weeks as to whether I caught something made the whole experience more trouble than it was worth.

    As bad as you feel now, when you are horny again you'll feel the same way and land yourself in the same mess you're in now. If you see a cycle happening you might want to take steps towards finding someone to marry. That can be a very constructive thing even if it appears to be a long way off. For me it meant getting an education so I could make a decent living and not have to work 24/7. It improved my life tremendously and I can't find enough good things to say about it. Plus I could meet and socialize with much better quality people, which in itself makes a tremendous difference.
     
  5. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I think the best thing you can do is to try and block this out of your mind and pretend it didn't happen. Start a fresh and wait for someone to come along who is truely worth it and won't leave you regretting. It sounds like you were under a lot of pressure from your friends and that didn't help at all. You're friends were not fair and if they continue to harrass you whether it be about your sexuality or something else then I suggest you either try to take no notice or leave them be. At the end of the day, YOU know deep down that you are a hetrosexual and it's YOUR feelings that matter.

    I got a bit confused by the last post because it said it's unlikely to catch an STD but then goes on to crabs etc Maybe I read it wrong because it is 2am and I'm kind tired but I just wanted to clarify... it is possible to recieve an STD via oral sex and if you didn't use protection then I urge you to get yourself checked out.

    Try not to beat yourself up over what happened, instead learn from it, and wait for someone who is worth it.
     
  6. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni

    hi ...

    as said before ... yeah .. not your smartest act... but allow me to ditto the .. go get checked post... although ... how can i say this .... although a std would be easier to be contracted by the "giver" of oral s*x it is possible to contract it if you are the "receiver" of oral s*x.. but not as easily..

    all it takes is a tooth scraping you and breaking your skin.... so please go get checked cus there an many STD's....

    learn from your experience and move on.. that is all you can do.....
     
  7. beautifuloblivion

    beautifuloblivion Well-Known Member

    I know you posted this over a month ago, but you never mentioned whether you were able to find somewhere to get tested. If you're in the US, then chances are there's a Planned Parenthood near you...they do STD testing. I've been to a PP in a couple of different cities. The staff have always been very friendly and understanding and they work very hard at preserving confidentiality. I hope that all is well....take care.
     
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I would chalk it up to a "it's a mistake, I am human and forgive yourself and let it go"


    :hug:



    I am here if you need me.




    xxxcxx
     
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