self inflicted prison

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by J_Unit_10566, Apr 4, 2007.

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  1. J_Unit_10566

    J_Unit_10566 New Member

    i'd like to start by saying that these are things i havent told my closest friends...but im writing this here so that people in similar situations can relate and wont feel as lonely as they do...and also so i wont feel as lonely as i do, i would greatly appreciate any replys to this, anything you have to say...

    my name is 18 and a freshman in problem began when i met this girl nadine in highschool my senior year...we started to talk online and i liked her alot....she definitely showed interest but was reluctant to hang out and eventually she told me the reason for that was that she is muslim and that her parents are incredibly strict muslims and she's not allowed to date boys or even go out with friends..and by the time she told me, i had fallen in love and i made the decision to stay with her "knowing" how difficult it would be..and i put the word knowing in quotations because at the time i knew it would be hard...but in reality, i had no idea...we've now been going out for 1year and 3months...during school i see her 2-3 times a month if we're lucky..see, she's on the speech team and any day of the week she doesnt have practice, she tells her parents she does..and then i pick her up from school when she gets out and she hangs out with me at my house until 6 when her practice would have ended and i bring her back to school where her dad picks her up and is none the wiser...but during any breaks in the school year [including summer break] and when speech season becomes very rare for me to see her at all...99.8% of our relationship is talking online...we talk for consecutive hours and hours and hours...about anything and everything...and lately..the conversation consists mostly of just trying to keep each other strong.....ive invested so much into this relationship that when i go out with friends or just live my daily life, half of me just isnt there...its like ive been split in 2 and without my other part im just not the same...when i do try to have fun and go out, its impossible to be not happy until im drunk or high...and even then sometimes drinking just makes me depressed and getting high makes me think constantly lonely..and not having this girl in my life has created more problems then i ever thought it could...ive developed social anxiety disorder, which i never had the tiniest hint of before all of depressed all the time...and...this other problem i cant explain, maybe another form of anxiety...inside my head most of the time are rapid chains of thoughts that i cant slow down or stop...if im not consciously working on some sort of mind is hell for me..just nonstop thought, leaping through so many different things i cant even keep track...if i tried to go to sleep at night without a tv on...i would lay there the entire night in constant random thought..sometimes worrying thoughts that i could never help or treat...ive asked desperately to see a psychologist to talk about alot of these things...but my family just doesnt have the life feels like a prison right now, a self-inflicted prison...i have other things going but for now ill leave it at this...if you read all of this, please drop a line and leme know what you think & how you feel if u can relate
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 4, 2007
  2. SmilePretty

    SmilePretty Staff Alumni

    have you considered ending things with her?

    you may not want to do that, and that is fine i guess.

    what are some of the other things going on in your life?

  3. Cheryl

    Cheryl Well-Known Member

    thanks for sharing with us! i'm sorry that you feel so down right now. it sounds like you really opened your heart and let this girl inside. and it was a risk that you took. if you have won. you win. you grew in love. and your heart is bigger for it. you have greater capacity to love. you understand that words are one thing and reality is altogether different. the reality has caused you much pain because you have loved and do love. it sounds like you need to come to terms with the reality of your relationship. its not easy. but your not alone. there's a lot of people here who are ready and willing to listen and walk with you through this difficult time. hang in there!

  4. lilboyblue

    lilboyblue Well-Known Member

    i see you're in illinois - check these folks out, they should be able to help you find some services according to your finances

    i can relate too, so i'm both happy and sad for you. happy cuz you're in love...sad cuz its so difficult for you and causing anguish. pm me if ya like
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. When the family will not be supportive of the relationship and one of the parties is unwilling to break away, then the relationship will not succeed. I am afraid you are both setting yourselves up for a great deal of hurt. Would her parents mind if you were to be friends? You will both have many decisions to make in the future, on e of which will be how to maintain a relationship that seems as if it has no foundation. I think you both need to sit down and talk about this in great detail. She will probably never be allowed to marry or be with you completely without denouncing her faith and losing her family. I do not envy your situation. I wish I had some solid answers for you, but I simply do not see this working out under present circumstances.
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