Self Injury - Family - Etc

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Mar 28, 2014.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    I haven't posted here since around December. I have to say this is the best forum I have ever been a member of, I've always felt safe here. I think I just felt like I was wasting peoples time, and felt my problems were quite trivial compared to others. Ultimately going to different sites which weren't quite as... Serious? As this one, if you understand what I mean about that.

    Either way, this is what has happened.

    It is my birthday next week, and a couple of weeks ago I was excited, now I'm kinda dreading it to be honest, and now it's going to be a lot worse.

    Last night I self harmed. It was late at night, and I was in such a... Very low state of mind, I was incapable of thinking clearly. Without going into too much detail, I stood up, wearing shorts due to self harming on my legs, and rolling my sleeves up on my arms due to self harming on the wrist on my left arm. I was feeling quite faint, though at the time I never thought much of it and just began thinking of things. I had music on at the time, and I just started listening to the song and stopped thinking about my self injury wounds, and everything involved in my low mood.
    At some point I looked down, and noticed I was standing in a huge puddle of blood. My feet and toes were covered in blood dripping from my wrist, as well as my thighs, which blood had ran down my legs. My wrist looked the most serious, and it was dripping blood quite heavily from each finger.

    I just stood there, noticing that I felt very sick, very tired, very cold, very clammy, and my left hand (where the wounds were) felt tingly like the feeling you get after getting pins and needles. My hand was also slow to move, and my body was shaking so badly I couldn't hold anything.

    I was so frightened that I had done something to myself so bad that I may not stop the blood, that for the first time in a long time I went downstairs and went into my Uncles room. It took me a minute of standing there before I managed to pluck up the nerve to wake him up. I was terrified of him seeing me, but when asked to put the light on I did.
    I didn't get a strong glimpse of myself at the time, but the quick glimpse I got when walking past his bathroom I saw myself, and I looked like I'd been viciously attacked. I actually looked a lot worse than it ended up being.
    Either way, I had to sit in the bath to get all the blood off. I was unable to bend my legs at all when placing the compression pads on my legs, so my uncle had to scrub my bedroom floor up, even he was a mess and swearing under his breath when he went into my room. Some of the blood has soaked through the floorboards, and we couldn't get it off, so there are blood stains underneath the bed that we can't get completely off.

    My uncle thinks I may need stitches in my wrist, and my right thigh. It's been 21 hours later and after removing the wrist bandages and compression pads it immediately started bleeding somewhat heavily. I put the compression pack on and the bandage on, but after gently pressing the area surrounding it it bled through, which worried me a little. My grandmother reapplied the bandages and added a lot more to it, and it's about an inch thick now, and it's not bled through.
    I guess I'm worried that I do need stitches. My right thigh has not bled since, but it bled earlier this morning when I woke up.

    I have no idea what to do. I'm not being told to go and see anyone, nobody is even going to force me to see a doctor unless I develop an infection.
    My uncle is too scared to leave me alone, too scared to sleep apparently in fear I'll do it again. He's been in my room 3-4 times today to check up on me. My grandmother is quite disgusted with me, in the end hearing "your father would have been so proud of you for going to college" and "Don't you think I've got enough on my plate without this?" and "Your uncle has enough things going on without you stressing him out" etc is just pissing me off too much. Don't get me wrong, I know what I've done has massive consequences on my family, I do feel guilt and shame over what I have done, but hearing how much I've bothered them is making me more depressed because they're not acknowledging I am in a bad enough place as it is to do what I've done without them adding the guilt trip on me. My grandmother in particular is talking about how what I've done is affecting her and my uncle, acting like I did this because I was being selfish and stupid. I guess I was being stupid in some ways. I know I need to hear of the consequences, but man, I'm getting tired of every time I give into my anxiety/depression or don't fight my mental health well enough everyone getting angry/disappointed in me and not seeming to understand that I actually am suffering, and I wouldn't be doing this otherwise.

    Still, my complete and utter lack of trust in authority figures, or anyone really, has made me distance myself from people. I haven't told anyone anything really, not wanted to say anything, just kept saying "I don't know" when getting asked "Why did you do it?". I don't want to talk about it. I've spent years talking to other people about why I've tried to commit suicide as a child, and why I self harm, right now I'm just too tired to go over it.
    Sick of my family comparing themselves to me, sick of people in authority treating me badly, constantly cancelling appointments on me, waiting 6 months for an appointment. I now have no desire what so ever to even talk to my family about it, now I just sit there with a blank expression and apologise and say I don't know. Since everyone gets angry whenever I talk about being low, I no longer want to talk to anyone. Why would I try and talk to anyone when all they do is compare me to themselves and give me the "life is rough" speech. I think from my background I already know that quite well, I've experienced first hand how bad people can treat others. Everything from my mothers emotionally cruelty to my ex stepmothers complete hatred and jealousy of me whilst being all nice to my face. The rumours she murd**** my father which most likely would have been to do with me, as they fought all the time over her jealousy of me and my mother, when she stole from my family and took stuff (nothing worth money, sentimental things) that was meant for me. I've been backstabbed, been treated badly, for being in my mid-late teens I think I have a very experienced realization of how the world works, and what it is like to be treated badly by everyone. I have never met another person even near my age who is as cynical as me, or who sees the world through the same glasses as I do.

    Now, there is nobody anymore. I am through with the shitty counsellors I've met, through with the 6 month waiting lists.
    I am a very very lucky person for my current family to take me in after being almost placed into a care home, I will never be able to repay them, my gratitude and admiration for them is stories high. I guess no matter how good they've treated me, nothing can erase my past, and no matter how hard I try to be good, try to be kind, try to be happy, I just can't seem to always get through my memories without feeling intense shame, anger and depression.

    Not only that, I'm on the verge of being addicted to painkillers. I've fell asleep once and began vomiting in my sleep, and a couple of weeks ago I fainted in a bathroom cubicle, and then projectile vomited. Taking just treble the allowed dosage in the last month has the same feeling as taking 6 times the amount 6 months ago. I've seemed to grow more sensitive to the painkillers, and I believe it's destroying my stomach lining as I only eat a little and tend to take the pills on a empty stomach.

    I have no idea what to do anymore. This is the only place I think I could write this down without my thread being moderated to the point there is nothing left, and for other people to not look down on me for my age, and to understand this I am being very serous about what I've written here.
    Having been a member of this site since I was 13 years old, I will always have sentimental feelings over this site.

    Thanks for reading, I appreciate it being read even without a response.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    People do understand self harm hun they just cannot unless they have suffered enough to use it as a coping skill. I know you do not like your councilor then ask for a new one ok
    You need therapy to teach you how to use better coping mechanisms hugs
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