Self loathing and facial SH (triggering?)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Asajj, Mar 20, 2010.

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  1. Asajj

    Asajj Active Member

    I don't think I've actually posted in this part of the forum before, but it was bound to happen some time really.

    Self harm started for me around age 12 and likely before then, but my memory gets very blurred and disjointed. I stopped between ages 15 and 16, but started again a month before my 17th birthday. I'll be 19 this year and have pretty large scars on one arm and shoulder (my right arm is off limits for some reason :huh:) with some smaller ones scattered over my torso and legs. Mostly I cut or cause friction burns, but sometimes I burn/brand or hit the walls with my head and fists. I like my scars...as long as their 'good enough' which they never are in my eyes. Just means I have to keep trying :whip:

    I've felt the need to cut my face before, but not so intensely as tonight. I did it a few times a couple years ago but they were shallow and near my hairline. I wanted to do worse but that was my way of compromising. I really want to cut as deep as I can... but I know the consequences will be disastrous. I can't decide what to do either way.

    Currently, I'm trying to keep myself from getting any deeper into my self hatred by telling myself that cutting my face has nothing to do with attention seeking (a big cut on my face would be rather obvious!) and deep down I think I know it's true. However, I'm finding it hard not to bully myself into thinking that's all it is, that I don't really have any problems except a sick need for attention. All of which would make me want to hurt myself even more.

    My self loathing is already so deeply rooted that it probably doesn't even matter about this one time. I don't have a soul and I don't believe I'm even human. This body doesn't belong to me so why I should I bother looking after it? I didn't agree to this.

    By the way, I've been having treatment for about 2 years now, including a 3 month hospitalisation. All its done is changed me from being emotionless and dissociative to tormented by severe anxiety and rage/anger with occasional dissociation (which isn't nearly as comfortable as it used to be. It's scary). I can't remember when I last left my house and there's no way I can now because last night at 11pm someone was raped mere metres from my front door :eek:hmy:. I have to go out on Thursday though for an appointment with a new Psychologist :hiding:

    My mum often says "What we gunna do wiv you?" I don't know, mum... but at least I don't have your accent :laugh:
     
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