self-loathing

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Malcontent, Jan 6, 2007.

  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I hate myself completely. I hate what I do, what I say, what I think. I hate everything I stand for. Everything about myself, not matter how tiny, I hate. I hate that I cry when I see anyone hurt, I hate that I try to protect people. And I hate that I fuck up every time I try to do something right. But most of all I hate that what I want more than anything, is to be a hero to someone. It's never going to happen, it's just not in me to do the right thing. I mess up people's lives. I'm so sorry that anyone ever met me.
     
  2. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I must respectfully disagree. I like you very much and am looking forward to meeting you (I hope) when I cross the pond this July for a visit.:smile: I'm sorry you're having a bad time right now, but I think just the opposite of you: I think you are a sweet and loving person whom I'm glad to call "friend".:smile: I send you my love and hope and hugs to help you feel better about yourself. We love you hear, Mal, and need you.:smile: You are a treasure of a friend, even if you don't feel that way about yourself. I love you dear, and hope you feel better soon.:smile:

    Sending you love and hugs and hope,:hug: :flowers: :hug: :grouphug:

    love,

    least xoxoxox
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Too right Least !!! Mal u is a wonderful soul :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  4. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I wish I could agree with you two, but I see too much evidence to the contrary. I mean, look at all the shit things that've happened. I've been abused, beaten, mentally screwed up, I'm ill, my son never got a chance at life, the love of my life is gone. I must be doing something wrong to have all this happen. I'm not looking for sympathy for these things, cos honestly, they're all my fault. There's just so many reasons for me to stay away from the rest of the human race. I'm like Lenny in of mice and men, when he kills the puppy. I love something so much, but I end up killing it. I bring nothing but death and destruction and sadness. I'm a fucking plague.
     
  5. Jess

    Jess Guest

    I disagree with what you wrote to mal, Sorry.

    I've talked with you for a good enough amount of time to know that you're not a bad person at all. If you were I wouldn't be talking to you and replying, now would I?

    Crying when you see someone hurting just shows you can feel for them and understand. It hurts you to see them hurting. I'm sorry, but that's not a bad thing! You care! You've certainly showed me you care about me. And let me tell you, that means so much.

    I don't think you fuck up everyones lives. Not mine. You're wonderful Mal. You do so much for the people here, myself uncluded. You're so very supportive, caring of course! and you know what I think about you so I won't ramble on here.

    Take care :hug: sorry I didn't see this earlier and haven't come up with the best reply. just know I don't think you're bad and I wish you didn't hate yourself. though I can relate
     
  6. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Thank you Jess... I wish I could see what you see in me, but to me it's all just show. I say what's expected of me, not what I feel. Because even though what I feel isn't bad in itself, it hurts people and me. I can't go on. I've saved up enough of my meds to od, and I think I'm going to go take them. I doubt it's a lethal dose, though if I'm wrong what the hell. I just want to have a few hours free of this feeling. This on the verge of tears, barely contained explosion. I want to die. Don't worry, you'll all forget me. I'm not needed anyway.

    And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
    Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
    Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
    And I didn't feel a thing,
    So baby don't feel no pain
    Just smile back
     
  7. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Mal, my love and friendship for you has nothing to do with how you feel about yourself and your life. I love you and will always be your friend no matter what - that's what friends are for. I won't abandon you cause of how you feel about yourself, if anything, I'll love you more than ever. I"m sorry your life seems so shit right now but I believe better days are coming, I just don't know when. I beg you to hang on, to us, to whatever you love and cherish. Please don't sell yourself short. You're worth more than you know.

    love,

    least