Self-loathing

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by raincloud, Oct 12, 2009.

  1. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    I'm so absolutely devastated at what I've become. Actually, "devastated" doesn't even begin to cover it. I need to pack my things and find somewhere to put them because I'm getting evicted. I can leave some things with three different friends, but I don't have a sense of how much I can keep.

    I don't have the energy to pack, and I have been living in such squalor I'm too embarrassed to have anyone come over to help. I just don't have the energy. It took me three days just to bring boxes inside from the storage closet, and I've only packed exactly one box. I've gotten rid of a few things, but not nearly enough. The sheriff could show up at any time and I don't know what I would do.

    I know that I should probably be hospitalized, but I don't know how. Logistically, I mean. I can't lose everything. I have a cat and a pet rat and I don't want them to go away never to be seen again. I'm scared. No one I know can take them.

    I'm applying for disability and state assistance because I can't work for several reasons. I knew while I was at my last job that I shouldn't be working. And I had a completely breakdown and left my job. I've done that with my last two jobs, and I'd done it before a couple of times, too. I was also fired once for being depressed. I'm broken and I have been like this for a while. I don't know why I'm alive, to be honest. I was rejected last time I applied for food stamps but I'm reapplying. I went to the welfare office and they said I either had to have children or a disability. I haven't finished going through SSI, so I don't know if they'll accept that I have a disability or not.

    I got pneumonia in late 2008/early 2009 and I have been plagued with recurrent lung infections ever since. It makes it harder to function, especially when I can't afford medications.

    My weight has always been a struggle and I've always been very neurotic about my diet. I attempted suicide when I was 15, and I gained a lot of weight before that because I had stopped caring about my weight. I then got lazy and ate what I wanted. I'm doing that again, only I don't have access to much food. I'm still gaining weight, though. I just feel absolutely hideous and I don't even want anyone to see me.

    I've struggled with depression my entire life, and I have had some really awful situational things happen to me. I have always rolled with the punches, and I just can't anymore. I need HELP and I'm reaching out and no one knows what to do with me. And I don't know what to do with myself.
     
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Who have you reached out to at this point? Are you being seen at county mental health? They are your best bet to get SSI.

    As far as packing, find a temporary home for your pets, get your important papers and the things that have sentimental value. Don't worry about the rest. If you have extra furniture, put it out front to sell cheap or for free.

    The less you have the better chance you have of managing it. I lived in a travel trailer for 6 years and it was very good for me. There is very little to take care of and it's a lot cheaper.

    Keep posting, we're here and will try to help.

    :hug:
     
  3. 1victor

    1victor Well-Known Member

  4. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    I have been trying to find a reason for my various health problems for about 13 years. I've been having problems for over 20 years (since age 10). Doctors don't know what's wrong with me so I don't have a solid diagnosis.

    My friends get freaked out and ignore me. I'm lucky if they return an e-mail.

    I was denied unemployment and I was denied food stamps.

    I'll call county mental health tomorrow, and I'm also mailing in my application for cash benefits and medicaid. I'm worried that I'll be denied because no one really knows what's wrong with me.
     
  5. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    County Mental Health won't help me :(

    They said that they just help people with medical coupons. Incidentally, I'd have medical coupons if disability would go through, which it likely won't until I see a professional. Which I can't see until I get medical coupons.

    The world wants me to fail.