I'm so absolutely devastated at what I've become. Actually, "devastated" doesn't even begin to cover it. I need to pack my things and find somewhere to put them because I'm getting evicted. I can leave some things with three different friends, but I don't have a sense of how much I can keep. I don't have the energy to pack, and I have been living in such squalor I'm too embarrassed to have anyone come over to help. I just don't have the energy. It took me three days just to bring boxes inside from the storage closet, and I've only packed exactly one box. I've gotten rid of a few things, but not nearly enough. The sheriff could show up at any time and I don't know what I would do. I know that I should probably be hospitalized, but I don't know how. Logistically, I mean. I can't lose everything. I have a cat and a pet rat and I don't want them to go away never to be seen again. I'm scared. No one I know can take them. I'm applying for disability and state assistance because I can't work for several reasons. I knew while I was at my last job that I shouldn't be working. And I had a completely breakdown and left my job. I've done that with my last two jobs, and I'd done it before a couple of times, too. I was also fired once for being depressed. I'm broken and I have been like this for a while. I don't know why I'm alive, to be honest. I was rejected last time I applied for food stamps but I'm reapplying. I went to the welfare office and they said I either had to have children or a disability. I haven't finished going through SSI, so I don't know if they'll accept that I have a disability or not. I got pneumonia in late 2008/early 2009 and I have been plagued with recurrent lung infections ever since. It makes it harder to function, especially when I can't afford medications. My weight has always been a struggle and I've always been very neurotic about my diet. I attempted suicide when I was 15, and I gained a lot of weight before that because I had stopped caring about my weight. I then got lazy and ate what I wanted. I'm doing that again, only I don't have access to much food. I'm still gaining weight, though. I just feel absolutely hideous and I don't even want anyone to see me. I've struggled with depression my entire life, and I have had some really awful situational things happen to me. I have always rolled with the punches, and I just can't anymore. I need HELP and I'm reaching out and no one knows what to do with me. And I don't know what to do with myself.