Self-medicating

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by lightning05, Apr 15, 2016.

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  1. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I'm supposed to go to a friend's house later, but once again I don't trust myself to drive. I think that if I get behind the wheel I will do something that will cause myself great pain. The only thing going through my mind right now is wanting to off myself and if I can't do that, then just wanting to be so messed up (not sober) so that I either pass out or just don't feel anything. I am so grateful there are no prescription pills in the house. I am feeling so poorly that I may have relapsed if there were. I just want to drink and get high (from weed).

    Unemployment is driving me crazy. I have too much time on my hands, too much to think about, and no money to escape as relief. I feel trapped in my house, in a way. I take walks but I can only go so far. All of my friends are at work, which makes me feel even worse. It's discouraging when everyone else is doing so well and I feel like the loser who can't find a job. It is so depressing. When I go on the job sites to look for a job I instantly feel depressed and defeated. I apply to jobs that I should be able to work no problem and still don't get them, even in industries like customer service and food, which I've been working in since I was a teenager.

    I have never cut myself before but it has been running through my mind, Any sort of self harm might make me feel something again. I'm numb and really don't care much about life anymore. I'm just not good at living.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    *hugs* Hi there, I am sorry you are feeling the way you are. You titled this thread as ''self medicating'', are you planning on getting your hands on prescription pills or booze, I know you don't have any right now, try and keep it that way. Why not do something that will cheer you up instead like go to the cinema or your favourite local place and just think about things. I too have no job, I cannot leave the house any time I want as I have severe anxiety issues, it's REALLY hard, I'm sure you understand. I feel like a prisoner sometimes. Create a safety plan to get yourself through tonight and take it from there, baby steps. Again I am sorry you are going through this but know you have all of us behind you and supporting you and we do care =)
     
  3. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I am not planning on getting my hands on any prescription pills. I do have booze but am trying to stay away from it. I went to go run which usually cheers me up and that didn't work. Right now I am having a hard time experiencing any joy or fun. I am thinking about things too much. If only for once I could stop thinking maybe I would feel better, which is why I want to not be sober.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I would like to have a few drinks now to calm my mind down too but it's not a solution to anything and I will only feel worse afterwards.Not being able to see the fun in things you once enjoyed is a classic symptom of depression. Maybe go for another run or walk to clear your mind? I am really glad to see you say you are trying to avoid self medicating. Do you have a friend you could call for support?
     
  5. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    I understand as I am also unemployed. I want to drink also and there is plenty of beer here to do so yet I can't do it even though the urge is there. It stinks that I have worked since I was 14 yet can't find a job.
     
  6. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I do have friends I can call for support. Ironically I have to wait for them to get off of work, but I will stay on the forum until then and maybe do some gardening. Another walk may be in order. Thanks for the suggestions. @mpk , I'm very sorry you are in this situation right now. I really hope you can find something soon, but just know you aren't alone with that frustration.
     
  7. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Your welcome. I can't go for a walk here as it is starting to rain and we are supposed to get 4 to 12" of snow this weekend. I wish that no one was in our situations. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
    The toughest part of being unemployed is having to deal with friends that are if that makes sense.
     
  8. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    Dealing with friends who are also unemployed or friends who are currently employed?
     
  9. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Sorry I was not clear, mind haze. I meant to say those that are employed. They just don't seem to get it. My step daughter even told me I was not pulling my weight with the bills.
     
  10. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, mpk. Sorry that the weather isn't going to allow you to get outside. What about some meditation or yoga? It is very hard to explain to people who are employed how you feel. It's true, they don't get it. They just ask if you've filled out apps (obviously) or give you suggestions of where you should try when you've exhausted every option. It can be frustrating and angering. And when people ask what you've done today and you have to say "nothing " because it's true. I'm sorry that she says you aren't pulling your weight with the bills. It's scary to see money flow out of your bank account with no means of it flowing back in. Does she know your situation?
     
  11. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Thank you again. She knows our situation yet she thinks I am whining. We basically live month to month and not sure how long that is going to last.
    I have a friend who asks those same questions, what did you do today etc. I tell him basically the same stuff.
    I have tried meditation sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I have counted backwards forwards and even sheep trying to get my mind off the problems.
     
  12. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    First of all, please, please don't hurt yourself hun. Self-harm is one of my greatest regrets in life, and it really doesn't offer you the relief you might hope it would.

    What you need is to be kind to yourself. How about a nice warm shower or bath, some scrubbing salts or something to give you a sensation and a massage? That's a lot better for you, both your body and your mind.

    As for being unemployed, how about volunteering? Just until you get a job? And who knows what the people at a place you might volunteer at could help you with?
     
  13. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    @mpk I know what you mean. I may have to borrow money from my younger brother to finish paying off school since I only have one more semester and most likely will have to work an internship for free. I always planned on doing that but I planned on doing it WITH a paying job. It is very difficult to keep your mind off of it, especially when you wake up on week day mornings wondering what to do. @ThePhantomLady I don't actually WANT to cut myself, but the thought comes up and it makes me feel uncomfortable and worse when I feel like hurting myself because it seems like there's no other option.
     
  14. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    I am not sure how to move forward, feel like I am in a deep hole that I cannot get out of. I don't want to drink but it helps me to sleep.
     
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