I'm supposed to go to a friend's house later, but once again I don't trust myself to drive. I think that if I get behind the wheel I will do something that will cause myself great pain. The only thing going through my mind right now is wanting to off myself and if I can't do that, then just wanting to be so messed up (not sober) so that I either pass out or just don't feel anything. I am so grateful there are no prescription pills in the house. I am feeling so poorly that I may have relapsed if there were. I just want to drink and get high (from weed). Unemployment is driving me crazy. I have too much time on my hands, too much to think about, and no money to escape as relief. I feel trapped in my house, in a way. I take walks but I can only go so far. All of my friends are at work, which makes me feel even worse. It's discouraging when everyone else is doing so well and I feel like the loser who can't find a job. It is so depressing. When I go on the job sites to look for a job I instantly feel depressed and defeated. I apply to jobs that I should be able to work no problem and still don't get them, even in industries like customer service and food, which I've been working in since I was a teenager. I have never cut myself before but it has been running through my mind, Any sort of self harm might make me feel something again. I'm numb and really don't care much about life anymore. I'm just not good at living.