Self medication

about 8 months ago I started to taken painkillers on a daily basis, it started because I was having constent headaches and then I started to take them because I started to zone out, when I got nervous or worried I took some pills and I felt I could go thru the day. I know its psychological, not an enhancing medication.

Before I knew it I was then taking a prescription painkiller which was given to me by someone I meet over the internet I'm now taken about 10 a day, even when I don't have any pain, I still take them ~ It was to help with pain and now its because I feel I deserve a slow painful death (i don't know if this is classed as suicide, as no1 would know would they). This same person has also given me weed, hash, morphine, anti-depressants and many other prescription drugs and for some reason I keep them and not throw them away.

I've taken some tablets over the last few weeks, but I still have over 150 mixed tablets in an unmarked bottle and packets of tramadol and anti-depressants and one bottle of morphine.... I know I should flush them away, but when i've tried I feel I'm flushing my chance of being free away.

Why would someone who knows that I'm suicidal and get in a state where I just take pills send me loads of tablets. Why can't I get rid of them, why am I so pathetic. Is it possible that I am addicted to tablets, or am I just crazy?

also, I don't know why but if suicidal doesn't end it, I feel i will die in the next year in a car crash or be murdered.

I think i'm in deep trouble, not sure where I go from here...the exit door is open and waiting for me to walk through.

 

I've been drinking in the same fashion...it's a slow self-murder

FAL1

 

I bought a large bottle of KCL from a chem. supply company for the same reason. I've already got all the needles and syringes I need (the ironic perk of being diabetic.) If I decide to go, it'll look like a massive heart attack, even to the coroner (unless they do a postmortem test for hyperkalemia, which is very unlikely.)

Peace,

- Mark