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Self=reflection before emotion

alchemist

Well-Known Member
#1
well i definitely qualify for this forum.
i've previously lashed out at others but i'll refrain from that tonight (australia time).
my counsellor has, with my blessing, sent an e-mail to my doctor, highlghting the degree of anger i have towards my doctor who betrayed me by hitting on me, despite me being at a very low point in my life.

having suffered betrayal by my family (physical) and a neighbour (sexual abuse) as a child, nothing has riled me more than a doctor who knew about this abuse, but chose to hit on me behind closed doors, then branded me a liar and instigated me being ostracised from my health care service to hide her inappropriate behaviour.
this happened two years ago, but paradoxically, it's lit a fuse in me (which is 100% destructive, and i know it), that overrides everything else in my life.

i've been a driven cardio machine up until this point, but i just can't maintain this positive side anymore. it was an unforgiveable betrayal in my mind, and i just can't move on from it.
 

alchemist

Well-Known Member
#2
it breaks my heart to see where i am right now, because i have a very strong mind and that's kept me alive in recent years, but nothing is good enough now
 
#4
One of the things I've heard about prisoners of war is that the difference between the ones who made it out alive and the ones who didn't was that the survivors had a dream. There was something that they could imagine, the life they'd have after they got out that kept them alive.

One guy had a plan for the house he'd build, down to the specific details.

I think you once posted about having a (literal) dream about living near the mountains, like in Canada or someplace else.

My personal experience is that something bad eventually happens to people who have screwed me over, to an uncanny degree. Nothing I've done, and nothing that I possibly could have done, but something bad happens to them.

I wonder if you could leave it God, karma, the universe, or whatever you'd like to call it, to take care of what happens to the doctor.
 

alchemist

Well-Known Member
#5
One of the things I've heard about prisoners of war is that the difference between the ones who made it out alive and the ones who didn't was that the survivors had a dream. There was something that they could imagine, the life they'd have after they got out that kept them alive.

One guy had a plan for the house he'd build, down to the specific details.

I think you once posted about having a (literal) dream about living near the mountains, like in Canada or someplace else.

My personal experience is that something bad eventually happens to people who have screwed me over, to an uncanny degree. Nothing I've done, and nothing that I possibly could have done, but something bad happens to them.

I wonder if you could leave it God, karma, the universe, or whatever you'd like to call it, to take care of what happens to the doctor.
that doesn't seem to be an option for me.
i told my (former) counsellor that something broke in me with her (the doctor's) betrayal, and her knowing about my betrayals as a child were pivotal in the anger i have now.
i have a flame inside of me (for lack of a better term) which is alive. it's 100% destructive, but it's alive, and i have spent my whole life absorbing pain and never having anything 'alive' to offset that.

i know it's not healthy, but it resonates.

i don't know if you know the song, 'memories fade' by tears for fears.
i'm listening to it now.
it has a line that goes, "memories fade but the scars still linger".
it's a very powerful song, and i literally can't let go of the scars.
 
#7
So the doctor definitely betrayed you, she had no right to do that and she should have known better.

It also sounds like the anger you have is controlling you, rather than you being in control of your anger.
 

alchemist

Well-Known Member
#8
So the doctor definitely betrayed you, she had no right to do that and she should have known better.

It also sounds like the anger you have is controlling you, rather than you being in control of your anger.
the anger definitely has control of me. it's been two years.
 
#9
You might be able to eventually learn to manage or soothe that anger. I can try to make some suggestions about that if you'd like, but it's also ok if you don't want that.
 

alchemist

Well-Known Member
#10
You might be able to eventually learn to manage or soothe that anger. I can try to make some suggestions about that if you'd like, but it's also ok if you don't want that.
i don't think it's going to help now.
my discipline over the last few years regarding my exercise and nutrition has been exceptional - i've been driven.
but i've completely lost that drive now, and the benefits that come with that as well.
it's impossible to see myself getting out of this one.
 

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