Self sabatoge & hoping for disaster

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by james79, Feb 3, 2010.

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  1. james79

    james79 Member

    I'm really starting to hate my survival insinct, I was put on another drug and my mornings are great but by the time I get home I'm back to the usual destructive thought process of staring at my method and trying to conjure up the stones to use it. It seems like my instinct to survive is much stronger then I first thought, eventhough my "reasons to die" list is a mile long compared to my "reasons to live" list, I just can't seem to do it. I want it to be over so bad that I find myself trying to sabatoge my life in order to give me that push i need to end it. I'm now brutally honest with everyone even if that means an altercation ensues. It seems to have started after I got my method, this feeling of indifference or detachment from my previous attitude of holding back or going with the grain. I now care less about what people think but I also care less about my life and safety. I don't wear my seatbelt anymore and I seem to speed everywhere I go with complete disregard for my own and others safety, just hoping for a disaster to happen to give me the needed excuse to end it.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Your post mad me incredibly sad as your pain really shows through as does an overwhelming sense of "why bother".

    Would you mind tell me a bit more about how you came to this place with a list to die so long and a list to live that is shorter. Are there not things you wish to do on that list too?

    As far as meds please give it more time. I had to play with my meds and their levels a bit to finally be at the place I am now and if you stick around here awhile you will see that waiting for them to take effect or finding the right combo takes effort and patience...I know something us depressed types don't have lots of!

    Have you thought about changing your routine in the afternoons when "it" all hits you the hardest?

    I am here if you would like someone to talk with and I would be interested in getting to know you better as I relate well with the "why bother" sense of hopelessness you have expressed.

    You can PM me to or IM if you would like.

    Take care and hope to hear from you,
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey BTW is that a picture of your dog as your icon?
  4. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we are all here for you.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just want you to know I'm here if you need anything. :hug:
  6. james79

    james79 Member

    Thanks guys, you are all very kind and I appreciate all the help you have given me.


    Thanks for the offer of support. My problems are vast and while I know depression can cloud judgmet and cause a very pessimistic view of your situation, I guarantee that my situation is dire. I'm at a point in my life where I'm faced with a disorder that if left unchecked will surely put innocent lives at risk, but if checked will turn my life upside down and make my life much harder. I'm not simply a depressed person, I'm border line evil and I feel that in order to prevent the worse case scenario I must end my life. I'm thinking about stopping all my meds in order to cause withdrawls, maybe if I feel physical pain I might have the stones to finally do this.

    Ps: yes that's my dog Max, sadly my ex gf is also evil and dognapped him so I only get occasional custody. :(
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