I'm really starting to hate my survival insinct, I was put on another drug and my mornings are great but by the time I get home I'm back to the usual destructive thought process of staring at my method and trying to conjure up the stones to use it. It seems like my instinct to survive is much stronger then I first thought, eventhough my "reasons to die" list is a mile long compared to my "reasons to live" list, I just can't seem to do it. I want it to be over so bad that I find myself trying to sabatoge my life in order to give me that push i need to end it. I'm now brutally honest with everyone even if that means an altercation ensues. It seems to have started after I got my method, this feeling of indifference or detachment from my previous attitude of holding back or going with the grain. I now care less about what people think but I also care less about my life and safety. I don't wear my seatbelt anymore and I seem to speed everywhere I go with complete disregard for my own and others safety, just hoping for a disaster to happen to give me the needed excuse to end it.