Selfdestructive thoughts

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by FallenYuki, Mar 25, 2016.

  1. FallenYuki

    FallenYuki Member

    Hi everyone,

    I'm having a really bad day, I need to talk to someone before I lose it.

    I keep having these repetitive negative thoughts that are making me depressed. I've been insecure all my life, and it feels like its getting worse. "I'm worthless, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I am a burden to others". And lately I've been having suicidal thoughts again. "Just do it, nobody will miss me, it will be better if you're out of their lives". I'm afraid that one day I can't stand it anymore. I don't want this, I want to be happy, I want to make my partner happy. Trying so hard to change myself, but the more I try the more upset I get that I'm not moving forward fast enough. I'm afraid I'll never change. My partner is the sweetest guy ever. He's been really patient with me, but I see he's losing his patience. He acts cold now when I'm feeling sad, doesn't ask whats wrong. And I completely understand. If you see someone sad everytime, you'll get tired of it. I'm so afraid I'll lose him. And whats hurting me the most, I keep telling myself that. "Youre losing him. Look hes upset with you, he must be tired of you. He's going to leave you". I want these thoughts to stop, I cant take it anymore. I dont know what to do..
  2. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    You are not worthless, you are not a burden to others. Everyone is missed by someone. Make yourself happy first, the rest will follow naturally. Know that in this world you do make a difference because you are you.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I can tell you one thing hun, those are 'just' thoughts and not facts. A depressed brain will often tell us such lies; it's a vicious cycle... but it can be broken. Don't give up on yourself hun. Are you getting any help? If you're worried about these thoughts as I can tell you are perhaps it would be a good idea to see a counselor or a therapist to help you along?

    I am sure your partner loves you, and I don't think you'll lose him... I could hear myself in your words though. Sometimes my boyfriend feels a bit ill about me being so down as I can get... and he needs a little time to figure out how to handle it, so he can be there for me in the best way possible... it hurts him to see me hurt though. But he always comes back. Do you think that could be true about yours? It's never easy to see the person you love suffer... especially if you feel you can't do anything to stop it.

    Be kind to yourself hun, take care of you. Try to find joy in the smallest things; and try to tell yourself that you are okay, your brain is just lying to you.
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Please stay strong as life is important. You have a reason to live for as you boyfriend would miss. You might be suffering from PSTD, I am no expert, but from what you have said in your post.

    As you can see we are a very supportive group and we help each other on a. Hour by hour basis. You need to seek professional help and you need to be strong.
  5. FallenYuki

    FallenYuki Member

    Sorry for the late reply, ThePhantomLady. I did read your reply, a lot of stuff happened the past few days. And thank you for your kind words!

    At the moment I don't have any help. I was considering it, but I didn't know where to begin. I googled a bit for therapy, but I really can't afford it. I don't know if the insurance company takes care of it in my country (I live in the Netherlands), but I just sought for help here instead hehe..

    Sometimes it feels like he understands me. I told him about my suicidal thoughts. I didn't want to tell him, because I don't want him to stay with me out of fear that I'll hurt myself. But I was really in a bad shape that day, and I looked for him for help. And after our talk he hugged me and said: "please don't leave me". But then yesterday he got really annoyed and upset when I tried to talk to him about something, and he was really cold. I cried for like an half hour really hard and he just laid on his bed. (And then the bad thoughts in my mind creeped again in like.. "This is his limit, he's done, he doesn't care anymore". Even though I know of course he cares, but in the moment it feels like he's going to leave me).

    How do you try to deal with the negative thoughts in your head, if I may ask?
  6. FallenYuki

    FallenYuki Member

    Thank you for your comforting words!
  7. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Could you try to talk to your doctor about getting help and tell them that you can't afford it? I'm not totally sure how it works in the Netherlands... I do know my Dutch boyfriend pays for his... but the therapy I am getting in Denmark is free for me as I am 'sick enough' apparently... its really worth talking to your doctor about though. They could also help you with medication if you need that.

    It's not easy dealing with these thoughts. I won't lie... but I'm getting help to deal with my problems... One thing I try to do though is to remind myself what I know about how a depressed brain works... that it is lying to me... If I have doubts about my boyfriend I sometimes look back on our email and chat conversations...
  8. FallenYuki

    FallenYuki Member

    I was afraid I would get the ''you're not sick, you're just exaggerating/nagging''. I don't know the proper English word for it, in Dutch we call in ''aansteller''. But what I'm trying to say is, that I'm afraid they wouldn't take me seriously.. I've been doing a lot better these days though. Been hanging out more with friends and talking to them about random stuff, keeps my mind occupied. And this forum really helps! It's hard to talk about it with friends or family, because they don't understand you. If you can talk to someone who's going through the same thing, it's comforting :) Can I ask how therapy goes? I mean, I've only seen it in movies.. But do they make you do exercises, or stuff like that?

    But that's a good thing to do! Reading back emails messages. Then you can remind yourself that it's all in your head, and that he does really love you and won't leave you.

    Anyways, have a nice weekend! ^^
  9. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sure your doctor would take you seriously. You should try to talk with them about it. I don't think you sound like you exaggerate at all!

    Therapy is different I think depending on who and where you are and what your issue is... At the moment I am talking a lot with my therapy and working through some bad days in the week and finding triggers and I have to fill out an emotion diary
    And she also teaches me things. She 'paints pictures' so to speak to explain my behaviour and what she wants me to do different to get better.
    She has taught me some 'tricks' too and trained it with me... she made me cry about some things on purpose because I struggle with emotions and after she let me cry on a safe environment she made me do an exercise called a 'butterfly hug' which made me feel better...

    I don't know if that answers your question... but that's what happens on my therapy. My boyfriend says his therapist mostly talks him through things.

    Have a lovely weekend too, and 'welterusten' :)

    Take care of yourself