Selfish confession

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by max0718, Sep 23, 2008.

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  1. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    I tried to tell my father today about how I'm feeling and that I'm beginning to slip back into depression. Didn't tell him that much actually, just that some negative thoughts were back and that I've been feeling kind of low lately. And my God did I feel bad afterwards. I felt so selfish trying to tell him how I'm feeling knowing he can't really do anything about it and that he would only now worry more about me again.. I feel like I'm running out of options here.. I can't talk to my family or friends because of this guilt. I can talk to my psych, but all he'll do is change my medication again, and who knows if thats gonna work (the medication that I'm on now worked for 2 months or so and now squat..) . I've read somewhere that after your 3rd episode of depression, your 90% likely to experience a 4th and chances of having another episode just increases after that. So does that mean I'm going to struggle with this for the rest of my life? What will that do to my family? How am I supposed to get my shit together if I know I'm basically assured of having another episode? Everyone keeps telling me that this is a temporary problem and if I can get over this I can do anything. Their expectations of me are wearing me down. What if this is my life and I'm not going to get better?
  2. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    You'll find new friends. Your relationships with them will be different, and you'll be able to talk to them about it. Things will change... You might still be depressed in the future, but a good friend who knows about the problem can help a great deal towards depression.

    And, have you had 3 episodes of depression, or are you in the middle of a single episode, interspersed by medication effects?
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Pdocs are basically there only to prescribe meds. My own pdoc told me as much. Have you tried a therapist or support group. These are the people that you can openly discuss your feelings with and there is no need for guilt. And a therapist can help you with resources and professional advice about your situation. Just something to think about. As for your Dad, trust me hun, he may be worried about you but he is grateful to know. As for worrying, he does because he cares about and loves you. If he didnt your news wouldnt affect him either way. So please consider yourself lucky that he worries. It is part of the parcel of being a parent. Please keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. As a parent I'm proud of you for being open and keeping your parent informed. Keep it up as it helps both of you.
  4. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    i dont think you should feel too guilty for talking to your dad about how you are feeling. i mean, i say this from the logical part of my brain, cuz in practice i always feel guilty too. but when i finally had to tell my dad what was up, cuz it was getting really impossible to hide or lie about anymore, he was really glad i told him. yeah, it was hard to hear, and yeah he worried about me, but he felt better knowing and being able to be a part of my healing then being kept in the dark and fearing the worst. unless he is closing you out or saying he doesnt want to know, you might want to ask him or give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he would probably rather know then not.
  5. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Here's another thing. You think he can't help, but you'd be surprised. My family life changed a lot for the better once my parents found out.
  6. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Thanx for the replies everyone.

    I understand that he'd rather know than not know, but that doesn't really make this guilt go away. I guess it comes with the territory.

    I have had 2 episodes so far, and I'm beginning to think I'm at the start of my 3rd episode, which would lead me to the 90% + chance of having another episode. That's perhaps why I'm so scared that this is in fact another episode. I don't want to live my life knowing that another 2-6 months of misery is waiting on the horizon.

    My psych is my therapist as well. I have one hour sessions with him every month and he has helped me a lot so far. As far as a support group goes, I guess I have my family and that's it. Don't really want to talk to my friends about it, as I don't want to be seen as this guy who whines about everything in his life.. People tend to attach labels, and once that label sticks you don't get rid of it easily.. I guess a support group could work, but I have no idea where to look for one. I guess I'll ask my psych about it next session. Thanx for the idea!
  7. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Just an update:

    I went to the lake yesterday, and at first I couldn't really participate in all the fun, as I didn't really feel like it, but after a while I lightened up and I actually enjoyed the rest of the day. To add to that, today wasn't that bad either. Maybe things are looking up, I don't know. Don't quite trust it yet, but still hope that it does. Anyway, just trying to share something positive for once. Take care
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey I'm thrilled for you!!!! And if things start to slip, just remember that it did happen once right? You now know you can do it so keep at it!!!! Thanks for sharing some happy we can all use it!
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I told my dad a while ago about my illness, and my siblings all know from my sister. If you want something spread just tell her. My dad said he still doesn't understand but I have his support. My neices all know and have been very supportive.Now my nephews are a different story. They have attitudes towards me. They don't understand how someone my size and my age can have mental problems. My one nephew said he has know use for any one who is suicidal. So I just don't talk to them. If they want to be that way the hell with them.
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