selfish??!!!! i dont think so..... let me explain

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by prophetearess, Aug 20, 2013.

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  1. prophetearess

    prophetearess New Member

    I was too fat and felt guilty for anyone pulling muscles in their back trying to remove my dead body so I lost eight stone.

    Then, I realised all my journals were traumatic for anyone who found them so I shredded them all.

    Then, I realised someone would have to deal with all my chattels so I have reduced them to a minimum for ease on those left behind.

    I am doing everything I can to make sure that my suicide will be as unburdensome as possible albeit I have no money to pay for my own funeral but I am trying to save for it.

    To hell and back again I have been considering the consequences.

    My laptop is wiped clean so no scary journals or websites to wonder over.

    My mobile will be wiped and drowned before I go.

    I have nothing to hand down, nothing to pass on.

    So, once all my belongings have been reduced to a chair and a bed, I will be ready.

    Why, am I selfish?

    The endless crisis after crisis and constant seeing the way out I am doing my best to make it as quiet and undisruptive as possible.

    Selfish? Really?

    Go on, hit me with it..... Am I not the most caring person to make it easier on those left behind.

    I am a menace. Live alone. Totally isolated and ready. What on gods hell of an earth should stop me??
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    How are you a menace smf what crisis are you in that you need help to get out of

    talk to us perhaps someone here will have some answers
  3. prophetearess

    prophetearess New Member

    Menace to society.

    I hate science. I hate what they do to animals. I hate that they make monkeys and mice and rats deliberatley 'depressed' so they can attempt to find a drug to cure it.

    I don't want to participate in a society that sends animals alone into space.

    I could go on.

    I was a lovely little girl once. Now I'm an angry twisted adult.
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I hate this as well. That is why for the past 35 years I have been a vegetarian. I look at things that I feel are wrong, or that I don't agree with, and I think about ways that I can make an impact on reducing or eliminating the wrong(s). We as a people can make a change, but we have to actually get up and do it. We cannot hide or fade away, because when we do... nothing changes. If we want a better world, it is each of us that has to take a part in doing something about it. Dying is not contributing to world improvement.

    On a side note, when my son died by suicide... the cost to me was about $30,000. Another $100,000+ was paid out by my insurance company for the various response teams and such that came out. His computer was taken away and the hard drive was deep scanned (deleting things does not really remove them... they are still there, you just can't see them... but the police have people that can recover data). Cell phone information does not only reside on your SIM card...

    Consider these things. Consider the alternative of making a positive change to the world. Sure, one person's change can be tiny, but when many join in... it becomes great.
  5. Lost and tired

    Lost and tired Well-Known Member

    Ive started deleting things from my phone and laptop too for the same reasons. I've thought about methods and where to do it and the trauma of whoever finds me. I think i wont do it at home because my dad might need to stay there when he flies over for the funeral. Stupid, i know. iv thought about sitting on the beach but what if a kid finds me and it screws him up. i wonder what will happen to my dog and who will look after him.There are a few things ive got to clear up at work so that its in good shape for my business partner to run. The computer and phone may have to de destroyed properly now. Are there better ways to erase things properly like re-formating or something? Im even trying to think of things i might need to sort out with my mortgage and bank account before i go. As you can tell when it happens it wont just be a spur of the moment thing but planned and the details thought about in advance.

    On another point, i dont agree with people who think suicide is an act of selfishness. If the people who claim to care really loved me they would let me go if they felt the suffering i feel every day. Are they selfish for making me feel guilty enough to not kill myself.
  6. Teerak

    Teerak Member

    I agree Lost and Tired. If our loved ones felt our constant day in and day out pain, I think they would understand why we do not want to be here. My depression is so bad right now plus severe painful anxiety I am also lost and tired. I lost my job 4 years ago, have no energy, just pain and hopelessness. I joined this sight just today to try to find some kind of hope.
  7. JustKindaThere

    JustKindaThere Well-Known Member

    This is what's been pissing me off lately.

    Don't you just fucking love people who accuse you of being selfish for wanting to end your pain? THEY are the selfish ones, wanting us to continue our suffering for their sake. How can someone tell a suicidal person who already thinks so lowly of themselves that they want to die that not only are they totally worthless, that they are also selfish? When people tell I'm selfish it just makes me want to die even more. The only reason I haven't done myself in this whole time is because of the pain I know I will cause my family. Nobody even knows I'm suicidal, because I don't want them to worry about me. I don't get how people can call someone who is depressed/suicidal selfish, it's not like they fucking asked to feel the way they do.
  8. Lost and tired

    Lost and tired Well-Known Member

    Teerak and Charlottevics, I couldn't agree more. Sometimes I think it's because people dont fully understand the depth of depression that we are feeling. Everyone in the world has experienced depression of some degree and duration and for a variety of reasons . In my opinion what we are feeling is a whole different level of pain, felt by a relatively lower percentage of people. Some people think what we are going through is just the same as they felt when their goldfish died or whatever and so find our drastic actions to be out of proportion and an over-reaction. Im depressed because my body chemistry is messed up, Ive never been abused, dont take drugs (although i drink massively when cycling sometimes) and get on well with my family so they think what the fuck did he have to be miserable about, the selfish bastard.

    Sorry, rant over. I hope you two are feeling ok today and that being on this forum is helping you as it's helping me. Keep coming back and keep in touch. Be well.
  9. JustKindaThere

    JustKindaThere Well-Known Member

    This is truly what I believe the problem is. Depression just isn't understood well or taken seriously enough as an illness. People say if you are depressed you should talk about your problems, but how the hell do they expect us to feel it's okay to be open about our problems if we're just going to be accused of being selfish or attention seekers? A person who is truly suicidal/depressed feels an immense amount of guilt for the thoughts they have, and this is why I've always kept my suicidal thoughts a secret, because I just don't feel I can be open about it with anyone without being made feel ashamed of myself even though I can't fucking help the way I think or the way my mind works. I didn't choose to be depressed or suicidal, it's just the way I am. Willing to bet a vast majority of people on this message board feel the same way.

    Oh and that is another thing which annoys me - people who actually think depression is a CHOICE. Those people can go fuck themselves in the ass with something rusty because they've obviously not ever experienced depression on any level if that's what they truly believe. lol sorry for my language
  10. Lost and tired

    Lost and tired Well-Known Member

    Chatlottevics, dont worry about the swearing, i curse like a sailor when Im on a roll. I think youve hit the nail on the head. For years i hid my depression and suicidal thoughts and, although a bit reclusive and quirky (to them) i seemed pretty ok.( Ithink depressed people are some of the best actors around) When i disappeared and didn't answer my door or phone they thought i was probably off somewhere when i was really curled up on the bathroom floor or self harming. When i did eventually tell people i could see that they were thinking 'pull yourself together ,you grumpy sod. Youre not depressed, your just having a bad day'

    My depession comes from nowhere, and is caused by nothing more than bad biology. I dont need an external stimulus to smash into the tarmac, in fact it happened to me tonight. Suddenly and completlely totally wrecked weeping mess. How are people ever going to relate to that if they have never had a similar experience. It's like someone thinking they understand a cancer patient because they had a nasty case of the flu once.
  11. prophetearess

    prophetearess New Member

    Well.... Today I want to live.

    I just wish every day was like this one!

    To be honest my faith comes from mindfulness.

    If I was well I wouldn't want to die.

    It's a sickness, an when I'm well I am ontop of the world.


    Suicide isn't the answer. Deep down somewhere I know I will be missed awfully.

    Thanks for replies! Made me feel better. Take good care people.

    Much love
  12. ava321

    ava321 Active Member

    i am so relieved i am not the only one who gets confused when suicide is considered selfish. people generally (not always) spend a great deal of time getting things in order before they go through with it. someone mentioned worrying about what would happen to their dog.. how is this selfish??

    people suffering from depression are anything except selfish.
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