Selfish me and my life

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by writeanything, Jul 29, 2015.

  1. writeanything

    writeanything Member

    I'm sorry but this is going to be long, if you're not up for a long depressed story of my life then you better stop now. No hard feelings.

    I think there are two kinds of depressed people. The straight forward obvious one, one you can spot right away as if there's a depression radar on your forehead, and second, the one who acts cheerful and giggly all the time while inside they're sinking right to the bottom. Lucky for me, I'm the second kind. To be honest, I'm afraid to tell people my real feelings. How will they react when the bubbly girl they thought were stress-free is known to be a sad, lonely loser.

    Normally there are bad days and better days, occasionally a good day. Today is a bad day. It all started from my mum.

    We all are morally programmed to love our family, and trust me I do. But, what if the people we're supposed to love are not lovable? Stress is a pain. Everyone suffers from it, especially my mum. However, she deals with it differently than I do, she took it all on us. Stress changed her into someone I know she's not. Some hurtful words she said but I'm sure she didn't mean it. Even though it's hard to understand sometimes, I swear I tried my best to do so. Even though it's hard I can bear it. What I'm worried about is my sister.

    My sister deals with depression and now more added pressure from my mum. I admit she is weaker than I am, both mentally and physically. She's diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. It has been a couple of months since the results but she keeps getting worse. She lost all the hope she once had, now it's like she's a ghost of herself barely walking everyday. She mostly stays at home all day, she cut off from her friends, all her life gone. Obviously, her depression came back, and worse her suicidal thoughts. She told me she once had five suicidal feelings per day. I don't remember my sister anymore. This feels like a shadow of her, my real sister 'died' the same time she lost her hopes. I try my best to cheer her up, hangout, but those accompanied by my mother's arguing isn't of any use. I know deep down she's considering suicide, and I can't do anything about it. What hurts the most is that I'm too afraid to confront her about this issue. My fucking ego and pride won't let me openly talk and cry to anyone about it. Ironic, since I'm crying typing this. You don't know how much I despise myself at this moment. If my sister is gone, I know I could have stopped it, and I know I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. Hell, I'll feel guilty for the rest of my life. I'm out of options.

    Some of you may think confronting someone and being completely open with them isn't hard, but if you know me, then you know it's impossible. I've never told anyone 'I love you' including my parents. I don't show affection, I don't cuddle, hug or kiss my family. I guess 'confronting your suicidal sister' adds to the list. It's like I'm choosing my pride over my sister. Yes, go ahead and curse me, because I'd do that myself. Curse me, curse my damn pride. Such a selfish, despicable human being. I wonder if I even deserve the word 'human'. Thinking about all this makes me depressed. Sometimes I consider suicide myself, sometimes I just consider disappearing.

    If you happen to read to the end, I'm sure you probably won't want to know this selfish inhumane person, but thank you for listening. It felt better to 'let it all out'...
  2. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    I'm like you people don't know about me being depressed or that I wanted to end my life a couple time. cause I'm always laughing and having fun. My friend is like that about not being affection at all but I know she cares in her own way. Nobody is the same and I think that your little sister understand. and the way I open up about me being depressed was here actually it was weird but i'm glad I did. And maybe this is your way of open up to just let it all out. I'm HERE if you wanna talk :hug:
  3. writeanything

    writeanything Member

    thank you so much for reading and replying. Today I feel alot better, part of it due to your reply :)
    It's nice to know someone is listening and understands. Feel free to chat me up anytime if you have anything to talk about! :)