Selfish to want it.

[freddie]

I feel selfish to desire suicide so much.
I have a boyfriend, extremely supportive and loving parents, enough money to get by, a part time job a love.
I'm not into the whole comparing problems, there are people out there with severe emotional problems, but I am myself and I'm sure there are people out there who can relate.
I don't have it all, whatsoever. But I don't feel like I'm reaching or can reach my potential.
I have skills, I believe I'm quite intelligent. And I'm not trying to big myself up whatsoever, I guess this is a writing to myself to try and make myself realize what I have.
But is it selfish for this not to fulfill me completely?
I suffer with anxiety, it's not as extreme as I'm aware of and have experienced before, but it affects me a ton... but in small doses. I scare myself with the possibility of violence, anger, general disturbance, but I know I couldn't act on it, I'd take it out on myself in a split second before I could do harm to anyone else.
My mood is up and down drastically, and people notice.
I haven't dug into my arms for about 4 months now but the temptation is ever growing, and I don't quite know why.
I'm alive for my parents, and... my boy? It's only been 7 months so far, but, I'm happy to grip onto any love I recieve of course.
If anything happens to any of them,
I'm gone. 100%
It's going to happen one day I know it, but for now, I'm drifting along, unexcited, with the overpowering thoughts of what I could do, every hour of the day, becuase I have control over my life.
The desire to take the plunge however, that's the part I'm struggling to control.

 

[GoldenPsych]

Hi.

I think I know what you mean about it feeling selfish. I would imagine it's pretty common. It's all what it means to you and it's relative really.

Have you got a doc or any support outside your family?

xx

 

[freddie]

I went to see an IAPT lady, who said she was booking me in for therapy on anxiety, low mood etc, but it's been weeks and I've been in touch and have recieved nothing.
Obviously there are much more important things so I'm giving up on the therapy idea.
I know about the CBT methods and I've worked with similar NLP techniques, not quite so sure how they work for me...
But support wise? No not really, which is kind of why I've retreated here. It's hard though to hear from so many people with familiar feelings, I expected it of course but I don't know whether it's comforting or triggering, a bit of both maybe.
My parents know a little about how I feel, but, my Ma of course thinks there's much worse out there so I should "feel lucky", which I guess is kind of true, but, you can't forget your problems and pretend they don't exist.
Ugh, I probably sound ridiculous, re-reading my posts it sounds like nothing.
But things have been getting overwhelming recently, I feel really quite desperate for some support

 

[GoldenPsych]

I am always guilty of thinking there is much worse out there. Yes there is. But you need to listen to your own feelings and if things are affecting you then that is what matters not what is going on outside your front door.

Have you seen a Psychiatrist or has it just been referral for therapy from the GP?

Go back to see yourGP. Ask about meds. How old are you?

x

 

[freddie]

Yer you can't do it, you have to think about yourself or you'll stop caring and things can get worse. I think that's how I'd deal with it anyway.
It was just a referral from a GP to see a specialist, who then referred me to therapy, but as I said, I've heard nothing.
I think I will go back yes.
The thing is I feel that whatever is going on in my head is so complicated I don't think the doc could squeeze me into a category.
When I went to see the mental health specialist, she kept trying to expand my anxiety asking "how often do you worry about day to day things?" i was like "barely ever..."
but my answers weren't enough
I think she grasped I suffer with anxiety but there's a lot more which would make her job a lot harder.
I'm 20.
Back living at home as I thought it'd make me feel more stable as it was when I was on my own that I was self harming and had what I don't even know was myself, an attempt or a slip up? My head wasn't straight enough to decide which, I didn't really care what happened.
So, I came home. But it's making things worse. There's no tensions as such in the house but, certain things to do with my parents trigger my anxiety, but also them not full understanding what's up with me and not accepting it, that's making things worse.
I want to be away from home again, but that's becuase I kind of want the freedom to do what I want...

p.s thanks for reading all this and responding, I really appreciate it!!

 

[GoldenPsych]

I get what you mean about the parent thing. I too am living at home. I want to move out. But I don't have the money to as doing a MA is too expensive. But by being at home I am also a lot safer than I would be lving on my own. Part of me wanting to live on my own is so I can self harm and OD etc. So although I don't feel like it it's probably for the best I am at home... does that make sense?

Therapy can take ages. I was told I would have to wait 18months for psychotherapy. I found a private one who I don't have to pay for as it's a charity. I said I didn't want to go down the psychotherapy route as i find it very freudian and patronising. So instead a referral to clinical psychology. That took about 6 weeks and we have now decided she will work through the counsellor I already see. A bit unusual but I hope it works out ok.

I don't tell people about my - i never know what to call it...issues just doesn't seem serious enough as there is more to it but I haven't been diagnosed with anything...it's been 5 years now! So my parents don't know. But what they do know they tend to trivialise and like you say things like there is much worse things going on in the world, get a grip. So I don't bother.

Maybe write a letter to your GP. I know it can be quite anxiety provoking going in and knowing you only have a 10 minute appointment and you need to get out what you need to get out. So write it down. Write a list.

Are you on any meds?

I'm going to sleep now (well I'm going to try) as i am up early in the morning for work. But I will reply tomorrow. I am also on facebook if you wanna chat on [email protected].

xxxxx

 

[freddie]

I understand completely and that's exactly what I meant by I want to move out.
I've had the most obscure cravings for harm since being at home.
Chopping vegetables the other day, I had to walk out the kitchen quickly becuase I didn't 'think I could resist the urge to cut my finger off :') as wild as that sounds, that's what it's been like recently.
I won't go into too much detail as I'm sure it sounds wierde and it's making me feel a bit dodgey talking about it.
But yeh.
The whole ten minute doctor thing I get too, which is why I got referred and a lady came to see me who I got to speak to for an hour which was nice, it still wasn't long enough.
Yeh I really don't think therapy will work for me, as negative as that sounds! I know the techniques they use, my ma is a liscenced NLP trainer, she believes you can "visualise" your problem and just "put it away in a visual cupboard in your mind to deal with another time"... utter bull I say!
I'm on no meds at the minute, I used to have a bottle of lorazepam for if I had an anxiety attack, but, I've never had one! I just told the doc I had anxiety a while back and that's what I was given. I didn't want to keep a hold of it as I didn't really know what it was and... well, one moment of instability and, yeh, they'd be gone.
So I got rid of them, I don't need things for panic attacks when i've never had a panic attack, hence why I'm losing faith in the GP haha.
Ahh well.
Anyway.
I deactivated facebook a while back, stopped using it but i'll defo keep in touch on here.
It's been lovely to let some steam off and have someone listening
Much appreciated!
Sleep well.

 

[solutions]

And it's around this time when the USA people are getting home from work and school.

You should know that no one is too well-off to commit suicide. Tons of highly successful and famous people have committed suicide. So to say it's "selfish" because you believe you have a good deal of support in your life, is simply not true. Suicide is nothing more than a solution to a problem that doesn't seem to have any other solutions.

I realize you've said a lot, but I want to go back to your original post, which stated it was "selfish to desire suicide so much." You mentioned your support and your skills, which are deterrents to suicide, but they by their very nature aren't going to stop you from thinking about suicide completely. Nothing can. Suicide is its own entity, unaffected by external circumstances. When someone is acutely suicidal, they aren't even thinking of any of their loved ones, they're just thinking of a way to stop the pain.

You seem unsure as to what you really need. You mention anxiety, but then say that you don't feel it often enough for it to be a problem, and a variety of other details. All I care about is, What is making you feel so bad that you want to kill yourself? It's a question I don't believe you've answered clearly. There are details that can be worked out, probably not by me because of the USA medical system and its emphasis on private businesses and capitalism, but what's most important is your own emotional health.

 

[freddie]

I think I mainly feel it selfish just becuase, my parents have been through a lot, and to put such a horror upon them, I believe would be selfish. But yeh :/

I understand the thought process you mentioned, you're right, it's completely unrelated to everything that we can try to use as a deterent, such as what we have now, and how others can be worse off. And that's exactly what I believe and why it can be so hard to explain to people who haven't experienced that emotion which you're describing perfectly.

I am unsure as to what I need. Sometimes I'm extremely strong and confident then other times I just neeeed support and help and things like that. To be honest, my anxiety for me, is a big factor, but it's not the sort of anxiety where I get severe panic attacks and I never feel normal, it hits me in short hard bursts, normally about once a day. Sometimes it can set me back, scare me, make me scared of myself? I need to kind of lock myself away until it goes.

What's making me feel so bad? Wow. Well, I'm not sure. Which is why it confuses me. At times, I can be thoroughly "happy" but be urging in my mind desperately for suicide.
My last self harm a few months back, I was out with friends, had some drinks, had a great night, was happy, felt attractive blah blah, walked home alone in a good mood, got into my apartment and cut, really bad.
And I get like that now, and I don't know why. Sometimes I get very low about lots of things, my relationship (how I sometimes am in the relationship), my parents (I don't feel like I give enough back to them), sometimes I feel sorry for people even though they have nothing to feel sorry for, and that gets me upset.
It sounds bizarre I know, but my emotions are extremely up and down, and jumbled. I can be happy as can be for a while and burst into sudden upset, confusiong, fear, and I'll retreat. Other times it'll be anger and short temper.

My emotional health, is, well I don't know how it is.
I convince myself I'm fine when for short periods of time, I feel almost normal.
I'm triggered so easily. But my thoughts of suicide is becoming obsessive these days. But I don't know if becuase of reasons I've mentioned before is something I can go through with.
So right now, i'm doing little bits of harm to slowly work towards to the finale. Which is why I need some help soonish I think.

But I still don't know why :/


Gosh sorry I ent half typing some essays here!!
Thank you for reading and replying though!

 

[solutions]

Although it may be painful, if worry for your parents deters you from suicide, it's not such a bad thing. I feel exactly the same toward my parents.

I know exactly what you mean when you mention being happy for a whole night, then coming home and cutting. I tend to feel that way by default, but at its most extreme I spent the day out with my brother, having a fun time and not thinking about much, and then when I came home I attempted suicide, but was rescued. Everyone was absolutely baffled, because I had shown no signs of suicidal intent, ever. And I didn't even expect to do it.

It seems like you're prone to feeling a variety of extremely strong emotions spontaneously. Does that sound right?

 

[peacelovingguy]

Hey Freddie, hope you feel bit better at least getting few things out. Facebook might not be too good for that as you'd only have idiots trying to make fun and so on.

As for being selfish, that would imply your only thinking of yourself. With depression, the process of thinking itself is kind of knocked off kilter - so someone thinking about suicide is actually battling unwanted thoughts. You cannot help feeling down so any accusation of selfishness is laughable really.

Being depressed is far from a selfish process that rewards you. Depression is hardly a bloody reward - its the booby prize of life in some ways.

But, in some ways your right - and its good you feel that suicide would impact others. Even if the actual depression and the process of thinking about suicide is not coming from a selfish kind of perspective - you can see the impact on others and can see that it would be selfish IF your mind was clearer. You see this in moments of clarity. Even though your down your still thinking of others.

Many who commit suicide genuinely think they are doing others a favour - saving us the worry and so on. Truth is - if you love someone, you will not care how much they lean on you. The sad truth is that people who do commit suicide are almost always wrong about how much people care for them. You never forget ever.

I know when you are young that your relationship with parents is sometimes 'awkward' especially for teenagers and those in the early 20s. I look back and see almost an animosity at times - so be careful that your depression does not go unchecked as you can be less than cordial towards those you know the most. We argue at the best of times - that is natural, but with depression, take care you are cordial to those around you. Lock yourself in a room when you have the blues or go for a long walk or something.

I've lived with parents after losing work, but got along better when I had my own home.

In the UK, in some areas, there are tons of empty homes on the council books or social housing. My area its just over £80 per week for your rent and council tax. Depending on the area you might get a place a few minutes walk from your folks so could pop in for meals and so on - and to help them out as they get older and struggle to do the things they used to do.

I'd move back as a carer if I had to.

 

[GoldenPsych]

That kind of therapy would drive me insane. My counsellor is ace. I will say something and say I feel stupid for saying that and then she'll get angry at me saying well of course you feel that and that's normal. I am the kind of person who does package things and put them away. She actually said that this is unhealthy and you need to deal with it. You want someone person centred who will ask what you want from counselling and give it you.

Try your local womens centre or womans aid...sorry I am assuming you are female. Also try connextions...they deal with under 25's and offer free counselling. My counsellor isn't through NHS. They are a private company/charity so I don't have to pay. There are also private counsellors who will give you special rates if you are a student or on a low income. Have a look in to it.

I had lots of shit experiences with counsellors until I found the right one so it's worth giving it another go.

xxxx

 

[freddie]

peacelovingguy:
Interesting read thank you! Yeh I think I do just need to find a cheap place I can survive on. It is harder knowing how much certain people care but I guess it's a reason to get on with things and put your problems aside for a little while but yer, it's hard work.
I'm only working part time at the moment and that's another reason I'm at home. Ahh well, thanks for the advice I'll try figure some stuff out

Goldenpsych:
Lol nahh I'm a 20 year old guy :') I'm queer that's probably why you guessed hahaha!
Ahh dear.
Yer I guess a guy my age whining about this sort of stuff ent quite the norm but there we go.
I agree! I'll definitly try the connexions and stuff like that, I guess they have some useful resources etc.
Your counselling sounds great, very personalised.
Hopefully I'll find something like that!

 

[GoldenPsych]

I suppose a name like Freddie should have given it away you were a guy

There are plenty of free options out there being under 25 so try those. Type in the name of your city and free counselling and it may bring things up.

It may take a while to find the person you are comfortable with. They do say though if you don't feel comfortable they wont take it personally if you ask for someone else. I think connexions is probably your best bet.

xxx

 

[freddie]

Just went on the website and it says you have to be 13-19 to use connexions.
I'll try somewhere else.
Thanks for all your advice.
Much appreciated
x

 

[GoldenPsych]

Look up young persons counselling. Or if you want to PM me the city you live in I can research a bit for you tomorrow.
xxx

 

[freddie]

Ugh this is hard work
I'm reading some posts in the loved on lost.
I couldn't do it to my family but I have no idea why, I don't care about being around any more.
Really.
My self harm cravings are stronger than ever, spent an hour yesterday with a scalpel pressed against me. Fucks sake. Feel ridiculous.
I'm a 20 year old male, I'm sure there aren't that many out there acting so pathetic.
I'm not depressed in the sense that I'm thinking I'm useless and stuff, I'm aware I'm not but I don't know what's going on to be fair.
At the train station today I got pulled back by the security guard for sitting on the edge of the platform, I had to go into the toilet as the train arrived because I thought I wouldn't be able to stop myself running onto the rail.
Shit man.
I'm not even that down, I'm not particularly sad.
It's wierd.
Ugh, all this willpower is too much these days.
Dreading when I cave in, the habits will all creep back I'm sure.
The habits I barely had in the first place.