Selfish..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Broken21, Oct 8, 2016.

  1. Broken21

    Broken21 Member

    I feel worthless and empty. I need to stop talking to this one person because they hurt me so much but it's so difficult. She meant everything to me at one point, she was my best friend.. It's a long story but I literally don't want to live anymore because of what happened, but I can't do that to my loved ones. I feel selfish for wanting to end myself but I'm sick of feeling this pain inside.
     
  2. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Do you feel like writing more about it? It might help you to sort things out. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, you'll find comfort here, lots of people going through things where they can relate to you so you don't have to worry about saying anything that's on your mind.
     
    Broken21 likes this.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, welcome to the forum. I understand you are low at the moment and appreciate that you are hurting a lot. Ok, relationships with friends and families breakdown over tine in our lives but there is a point in living.

    If you cannot make it up with your friend, please keep away for the time being as over time the situation might reverse itself. I strongly suggest that if you are at fault, then just apologise in a forms of a letter expressing your feelings. If its not accepted then at least you have done the honourable thing. I apologise now if I have mis-read the situation.

    You feel empty at the moment and no doubt hurting with tears rolling down from your eyes. I'm not trying to upset you but trying to be understanding. The pain you feel alone can be felt by us and I am glad you joined this forum.

    Sitting on your own (assumed from the avatar picture... I'm sorry if I got it wrong) will only cause unnecessary emotional upheaval. Have you discussed the situation with your mother as she would be concerned. Perhaps you call a took-free call line and speak to someone.

    I am no way trying to pry into your situation as I respect your privacy and feelings. No one will judge you here but show YOU the compassion you truly deserve. I know hurting a lot but a problem shared is a problem halved.

    You reach out to us and we can help YOU in time of need. Please speak to other members in the forum's chat room and you will find a lot of live and support you currently need.

    Please refrain from any plans you are thinking about and just think someone in the world feels your pain. Let the tears roll down and let the pain out. WE CARE ABOUT YOU. Please speak to someone and keep posting here for the support YOU TRULY DESERVE.

    LIFE IS IMPORTANT AND THAT INCLUDES YOU.
     
    Broken21 likes this.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forums, do you want to talk to us and elaborate on your story? we will not judge you and I do not think you are selfish at all. You seem like you have low self esteem, you can and will get through this, we will make sure of that, keep talking to us if you find that it helps. Are you seeing a therapist? If not would you be open to the idea of seeing one? It might help you out a lot. You are being too hard on yourself. I hope life improves for you and that you heal from all of this pain and time of great distress.
     
    Broken21 likes this.
  5. Broken21

    Broken21 Member

    I'm really sorry this is so long..

    This is basically what had happened.. We met 2 years ago on Instagram..... A lot of people think it's fake but I assure you it's not fake... She reached out to me (nothing creepy). She was 14 and I was 19 at the time. She was in a super dark lonely place and I knew what that felt like I didn't have many friends in high school it sucked, so I talk to her. Plus my best friend for 11 years had blew me off so many times I thought a new friend would be good.

    We got closer and closer, we video chatted it, we talked on the phone, all that other stuff.. She got really clingy to me, like she'd blow up my phone if I was busy, and I told her I think I needed a break for a few days. It resulted in her crying and panicking thinking I was ditching her, which I wasn't going to.. I just needed a break I knew it'd get bad if I got too attached to her.

    Well I got attached, and it wasn't all bad at first, she loved feeling needed and wanted. I could calm her down from a panic attack instantly. She loved me and I loved her, but it was too much.. For the both of us.. I was as equally attached/obsessed with her as she was with me.

    Neither of our parents approve of the online friendship so it made it harder.

    This entire year has been disastrous.. I failed two college courses because I put her first because she was having panic attacks and I told her I'd be there for her. Well all of a sudden she didn't have panic attacks anymore and she stopped messaging me completely. A few days had passed and I freaked out. I literally thought something bad happened.

    Turns out that she didn't need me anymore, but I got so use to it that without her needed me I felt useless. I freaked out. I literally went insane. I started all these fights because I missed her.

    The only times she needs me is when she's in the dark place and I have such a hard time accepting that. I quit my job, I sacrificed classes, I bought her stuff when she needed stuff.

    I don't know what else to say I'm sorry.. This turned into a huge rant and I'm also sorry about that.. I just don't know how to get this out anymore..
     
  6. Broken21

    Broken21 Member

    I'm really sorry this is so long..

    This is basically what had happened.. We met 2 years ago on Instagram..... A lot of people think it's fake but I assure you it's not fake... She reached out to me (nothing creepy). She was 14 and I was 19 at the time. She was in a super dark lonely place and I knew what that felt like I didn't have many friends in high school it sucked, so I talk to her. Plus my best friend for 11 years had blew me off so many times I thought a new friend would be good.

    We got closer and closer, we video chatted it, we talked on the phone, all that other stuff.. She got really clingy to me, like she'd blow up my phone if I was busy, and I told her I think I needed a break for a few days. It resulted in her crying and panicking thinking I was ditching her, which I wasn't going to.. I just needed a break I knew it'd get bad if I got too attached to her.

    Well I got attached, and it wasn't all bad at first, she loved feeling needed and wanted. I could calm her down from a panic attack instantly. She loved me and I loved her, but it was too much.. For the both of us.. I was as equally attached/obsessed with her as she was with me.

    Neither of our parents approve of the online friendship so it made it harder.

    This entire year has been disastrous.. I failed two college courses because I put her first because she was having panic attacks and I told her I'd be there for her. Well all of a sudden she didn't have panic attacks anymore and she stopped messaging me completely. A few days had passed and I freaked out. I literally thought something bad happened.

    Turns out that she didn't need me anymore, but I got so use to it that without her needed me I felt useless. I freaked out. I literally went insane. I started all these fights because I missed her.

    The only times she needs me is when she's in the dark place and I have such a hard time accepting that. I quit my job, I sacrificed classes, I bought her stuff when she needed stuff.

    I don't know what else to say I'm sorry.. This turned into a huge rant and I'm also sorry about that.. I just don't know how to get this out anymore..
     
  7. Broken21

    Broken21 Member

    Sorry I didn't mean to post twice :/
     
  8. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    That is perfectly fine, that is what we are here for. We care about you, we want to listen to you. If you feel like ranting makes you feel better, than by all means rant away. We want you to be happy. You have nothing to apologize for. You are hurting, and are in pain. If ranting helps you lessen your pain, then by all means rant away. I don't care how much you rant, just as long as it is making you feel better, that is all that we care about.

    I have to run right now and pick up my daughter, before she "fires me" =) I love that girl.

    I will reply to your story later in the evening when I have more time to reply properly.

    Wishing you the best *hug

    Take Care
     
    Broken21 likes this.
  9. Broken21

    Broken21 Member

    Sometimes I forget the feeling of pain.. But when the feeling returns it consumes me. I wake up in the middle of the night and just cry so hard. When I cry that hard that's the time when I have the feeling that I don't want to be "here" anymore.

    It's not just night when I feel like this, something small and totally out of the blue. to another person it'd seem silly or whatnot.. A panic attack.

    I lost my little lovely. I lost my friend. She's gone I don't know how to deal with it.