Selfish

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by noPoint, Feb 14, 2009.

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  1. noPoint

    noPoint Well-Known Member

    Hi.

    The reason i feel the way i feel, I find pretty obvious.

    First of all, I'm born into a family of alcoholics, drug addicts and mentally ill people.

    I suffer from anxiety, generally and socially. I smoked weed for a long time, and it became a problem with me, so I'm a drug addict and alcoholic. I quit smoking weed and drinking, and some days I start thinking 'whats the point?' sense I feel so worthless, but I dont know if I ever will go back to drugs because I felt worse when I used, so I dont know.

    I think I'm too young to experience this, I just hate everything. I hate myself, I seriuosly can't even look in the mirror anymore because of the shame i feel.

    I pretty much blame everything on my family for even having me, sense they have delt and still do deal with the bull shit I go through now, and there is no possible way they couldn't have known I would be like this.

    My father is a joke, and i hate him. And sense I hate him I don't talk to anyone in this family anymore.

    I see a therapist weekly. She tells me to "think positive," and i just say 'for what?'

    I've wanted to go to college, but I can't work full time, play basketball and go to college, it just wont work. And I'm scared of college. Just today I decided to just save money untill I can leave out of this house. I just want to disconnect myself from this family, I want nothing to do with this family at all. And I'm never having childern, it will be a cold day in hell before I become as desperate as my father, if you would like to call him that sense he was never there to teach me anything about living life.

    I'm just real mad, and i dont see things ever changing. No matter how many changes I make, everything seems to stay the same.
     
  2. EmptyLife

    EmptyLife Well-Known Member

    Good for you for kicking your addictions! You're so smart not to go back to them.
    You will find a lot of support here.
    Maybe it's smart to save to move out, then address your fears about going to school and talk to a counselor.
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you want to break the cycle you were born into. You may feel differently about things once you have your life under control. i wish you luck. :hug:
     
  4. you play basketball and have a full time job. thats something to pretty damn proud of. and the fact that you are so independant is also a noteworthy feat. not many people can kick alcohol and drug habits like that. especially seeing as younow have the choice of whether you take the drugs as wlel shows you have a strong personality. you have even managed to come through all the shit your family have casued you. You have plenty to be proud of.
     
  5. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    you have done a GREAT job so far. . .! really. addiction is tough, no matter what the nature . . and you have goals. . an important one being to break from the cycle. . .. awesome goal. it shows that you are very intelligent, and forward thinking. . . and . . . you are working....and you reached out here.

    let us all try to give you support as you keep moving forward. you have accomplished so much already- and no wonder you may be '''tired''' of trying. . but keep going. while you are in your journey- i hope you will find s.f. as life-saving, in many differents kinds of ways, as i have. :hug:
     
  6. noPoint

    noPoint Well-Known Member

    Even though I quit, I dont see the positive. Every day is a joke to me.

    I don't have a relationship, I have no friends, I cant stand my family, and my job is a joke. I'm a drug addict/alcoholic, I really dont see the positive side.

    Yea I quit, but its completely pathetic that I had to quit because I'm addicted, its a complete joke. Then every 'friend' I had is a drug addict or alcoholic, my father is a hypocritic desperate fuckin loser who wont get a job because he has no social skills and cant be polite so he sits on his ass, I suffer from anxiety.

    Everything is just a joke to me. Its just not normal for me to think positive. Four huge things in my life are missing. I really dont know why I do anything. I dont even look in the mirror anymore.

    Right now the negetives out wiegh the positives ten to one. I'm just a completely mad/depressed person, its pathetic.

    But thanks for the support.
     
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