I am the image of a social out cast. I spend ALL day in my house sitting around watching anime. They seem to be the only friends I have and at times, I am forced too look upon reality and see that they aren't even real. This makes me very sad because I feel like i know them and the nI am crushed. I have lots of friends in real life that would be glad to have me around. Like just yesterday, my best friend called and asked if I wanted to hang out with him. I lied and told him that I would be busy. I don't know why because I wasn't. Then I found out that the reason I said no was so that I could spend more time in my room. Pathetic I know. I know that I am a complete loser and often times this prompts me too have suicidal thoughts. But these thoughts are different. They are not your normal "I want to just die because im depressed" thoughts. They are "Why cant this world be the way I want it too be? If I kill myself I can Join god in heaven and it will be perfect." kind of thoughts. So the only reason I want too die is because of the fact that my life is pathetic and it cannot ever physically or scientifically be what I want it to be. I understand that this is selfish but I have already had one failed attempt. So what I want advice on is, is this a terrible reason for me too kill myself? Am I just being selfish about it all not living up too what I want? I don't know I just want your thoughts on this. I feel pathetic but its only my fault for things turning out this way. I must also say that I do plan to take my life but, I must first accomplish the task of breaking my emotional chains. I figure that those links with people are all that still hold me too this world. Out of all my friends, family members, and anyone i know, my parents are the only tie still their. I have been a HEAVY recluse for the last year and have almost broken the ties. Once I do, it will all be over hopefully.