Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by landra, Jul 28, 2007.

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  1. landra

    landra Guest

    I'm a very calm, serene, and wise deep least that's what I would love to be, but I have rage attacks because I do not have this reputation. It makes little to no sense. I'm angry because I WANT to be intelligent & wise but I know I never will be, if I was, wouldn't I be trying to find a solution in a SMART way? I can't. I'm stupid. I used to be smart now I'm just angry. The only truly wise people don't KNOW that they are wise. Wisdom=perfection. If I realize I am wise, I won't be, but I want to be...gah. It must be unattainable, therefore I am imperfect & will always be. Excuse me while I go THINK about suicide (not do it in reality) because I'm not strong or SMART enough to put aside feelings of physical pain. (nor emotional for that matter) If I was smart I could block that stuff out completely -- that is my ultimate goal that I will never reach, causing a continual subconscious frustration. Another equation...stupidity must equal fits of emotion. Or does the realization of stupidity and yearning for wisdom = intelligence? What about the ability to think around things in this manner to find out why exactly one does the things they do?

    Since I cannot find the explanation for anything I must be unintelligent. What does the constant pursuit of these explanations mean? SEMI-intelligence? wtfz. I'm done now.

    Right, right...I'm calm...the thing is, I hold back, bottle things up as they say, and it all comes out at once in one huge block of writing. I don't know where else to go, I'm so frustrated, just want someone to listen is all. I do have untreated depression & am dangerously close to anorexia nervosa, so in this respect I am certainly not some ordinary kid with situational emotions. If anything sets me off it could render things dangerous indeed. Granted this could just be a desperate plea for attention ...I sicken myself sometimes, really. I ask for advice but will likely not take any of it. I, I, I. Self-obsession? Perhaps. Just, at my ridiculously young age, this definitely isn't normal, and I am concerned about the future if things continue. What to do...professional help is out of the question, I fear social endeavors, can't get up the nerve to talk physically to anyone. They'd laugh derisively at my stuttering nonsense because I have a habit of using "flowery" language..comes from a former obsession w/ reading classic lit way beyond my level...completely different story, here I go...rambling, it's a specialty of mine. Notice how I've typed my way to the end and STILL haven't gotten to the point.

    I know there are kind individuals out there, willing to throw out a few words; I'm only in need of reassurance, that writing does help, or is it just me that has to suffer & waste so many hours doing this to feel sane...
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Writing often times does help many people. For some it doesn't. i think it depends on the person. I do not see you as being an unintelligent person. i also don't think wisdom is equal to perfection. many of the worlds most intelligent people have been far from perfect. In all reality, being wise and being intelligent are completely different things. Wisdom encompasses so much more than just intelligence. People can be wise without being intelligent and can be intelligent without being wise. i think we need to accept ourselves as we are and with the capabilities we have. that does npt mean we cannot strive to improve ourselves. Each of us has room for improvement and we always will. That is part of the nature of being human. i hope you are able to find the answers you seek here. i am afraid I did npthing to help you out whatsoever. Sorry about that. take care. :hug:
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