Hello to you all. I would like to apologize in advance for any spelling errors that I might do - I am Portuguese and my English is not perfect. I have found this place after reading several pages about suicide. I am 23 years old and since 16 I think seriously about suicide whenever I get depressed. My life in the last eleven years has been nothing more than getting in and out of depressions. A few months ago I have been hospitalized with the diagnosis of "Major depression", after cutting a wrist and several parts of my arms. After that, I have been also diagnosed with BPD. The pain is so much. I am doing psycotherapy for more than one year and I seem to get no improvements. I seem to feel no pleasure, with nothing. I have won a scholarship because of my grades but I seem to be uncapable of feeling proud of myself. I hurt people. I push them away. My therapist says that i am constantly sabotaging myself. And I can't stop. I always fall in love with people that I can't love, and that causes me a great deal of pain. It's like Susana in the movie "Girl Interrupted" - I have read that when she falls asleep at the school cerimony, that's a way of sabotaging herself, by neglecting her own hapiness. But, even having conscience of this, I can't change anything in my life. In the last five days I have been constantly thinking about suicide. I've tried to kill myself two times in a serious way and I feel that I have no other way out. I just can't stand this anymore. I feel as empty as a black hole. I aniquilate all good things around me. My father is like a stranger to me; my mother is always making things that make feel that I am a mistake and that I should put an end to this. My therapist tries to make me more independent from her and a few hours ago I've sent her a message but she didn't aswer, and she already "acted" like this several times. I am realy desperate and I haven't told her that. I just told her that I realy need to talk to her. I rarely send her messages, so I can't understand why can't she answer me this time. Now I feel that she doesn't care. I can't stop feeling that. She is the only one who realy knows me and because of that this hurts too much. I've searched for a rope at home and I've found it. I can't stop thinking of the ideia of hanging myself in soon. I apologize to all you If my speech seems too selfish or black, but I can't keep going like this. I truly hope that all you can found some piece of hope somewhere. Thank you for reading me.