"sending out an s.o.s."

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rita_alt, Jul 21, 2008.

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  1. Rita_alt

    Rita_alt Member

    Hello to you all. I would like to apologize in advance for any spelling errors that I might do - I am Portuguese and my English is not perfect.

    I have found this place after reading several pages about suicide. I am 23 years old and since 16 I think seriously about suicide whenever I get depressed. My life in the last eleven years has been nothing more than getting in and out of depressions. A few months ago I have been hospitalized with the diagnosis of "Major depression", after cutting a wrist and several parts of my arms. After that, I have been also diagnosed with BPD.

    The pain is so much. I am doing psycotherapy for more than one year and I seem to get no improvements. I seem to feel no pleasure, with nothing. I have won a scholarship because of my grades but I seem to be uncapable of feeling proud of myself. I hurt people. I push them away. My therapist says that i am constantly sabotaging myself. And I can't stop. I always fall in love with people that I can't love, and that causes me a great deal of pain. It's like Susana in the movie "Girl Interrupted" - I have read that when she falls asleep at the school cerimony, that's a way of sabotaging herself, by neglecting her own hapiness. But, even having conscience of this, I can't change anything in my life.

    In the last five days I have been constantly thinking about suicide. I've tried to kill myself two times in a serious way and I feel that I have no other way out. I just can't stand this anymore. I feel as empty as a black hole. I aniquilate all good things around me. My father is like a stranger to me; my mother is always making things that make feel that I am a mistake and that I should put an end to this. My therapist tries to make me more independent from her and a few hours ago I've sent her a message but she didn't aswer, and she already "acted" like this several times. I am realy desperate and I haven't told her that. I just told her that I realy need to talk to her. I rarely send her messages, so I can't understand why can't she answer me this time. Now I feel that she doesn't care. I can't stop feeling that. She is the only one who realy knows me and because of that this hurts too much.

    I've searched for a rope at home and I've found it. I can't stop thinking of the ideia of hanging myself in soon. I apologize to all you If my speech seems too selfish or black, but I can't keep going like this. I truly hope that all you can found some piece of hope somewhere. Thank you for reading me.
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Your not selfish. Like anyone else, your entitled to express your thoughts and feelings.
    Do you have any friends that you share this sort of info with.
  3. Rita_alt

    Rita_alt Member

    "Your not selfish. Like anyone else, your entitled to express your thoughts and feelings.
    Do you have any friends that you share this sort of info with."

    Thank you for your answer.
    I have friends, but none of them can deal with this. None of them knows how it feels to be truly depressed and I'm sure that they would think that I am crazy if i'll them that I cut myself and that I want to die. I had a best friend at a few months ago. I tought that I could tell her this, and I did it. She tried to help me but after two months (she went to see me to the hospital every day during two weeks) she told me that she was tired of so much pain. And she moved away. I understood her perfectly. I am so tired of myself. How could it be different with someone else? I know my friends and I know that I'm alone at this matter.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Rita,
    Welcome to the forum. We are hear for you no matter how long it takes! We know you need the advice and support to help you keep your head above water. I am sorry your parents aren't any help for you. Unfortunatly this happens. You just have to try to understand your feelings a little better. Who knows they might start coming around once they know you are serious.
    By the way congradulation on getting your scholarship. That just shows me you have it in you to keep taking baby steps. You can set small goals to start with. Once you acheive your goal put that positive feeling in sort od a bank. You already have a long term goal(scholarship) that you also can bank. Anytime you are feeling negative think back to a positive thought or feeling and kick it's butt!!
    Do you have a best friend you can talk with or maybe a counselor at school? You don't have to tell them about the suicidal thoughts. Just say you are depressed and your finding it harder to get yourself motivated. Please if you need us don't be afraid to talk to us no one knows who you are!! We are all here for alot of the same reasons. Take Care!!:chopper:!!
  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Your not alone, you've found this place now, so you won't ever be alone again. One day I'm sure you will find someone who you can tell and who will not distance themselves from you ever.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Good morning Rita,
    Just thought I would drop you a line and see how you are doing? I care what happens to you. And like I said in my last post that I am proud of you for really cracking down and getting yourself a scholarship.
    Stay focussed on that education and you will see it pay off when you graduate!! Have you decided what you are going to major in? Well keep us informed and good luck..:chopper:
  7. Rita_alt

    Rita_alt Member

    Hi, Mystic Eyes;
    Thank you for reading and writing to me. You are really right when you say that having found this place means something to me. It does. I’m feeling capable of expressing what’s happening to me, and the only time I do it is during my therapy sessions. Those sessions are short to someone who feels like I do 24 hours a day, during the last months.
    I’m not sure that I’ll find someone who can take me or not distance from me never. I really don’t believe that. I always ruin everything. Imagine that you try to give me your strength by coming to visit me to the hospital every day and smile at me, and all you get in return is my tears and facial expressions of “there is nothing to do about this”. People get tired. People get hurt. That’s why I say that I am a black hole, sucking up everything.

    Hi, Stranger1;

    I am realy grateful for your kind words. I assure you that they mean a lot to someone who is feeling like I do, right now. Thank you for congratulating me, too. I’ve worked too hard in college, even in the days before my hospitalization. School is the only thing that kept me waking up in the morning every day. I know I need it to get my independence, leave my parent’s home and try to take a normal life. Without that, I feel that I have nothing.

    My parents don’t help me, indeed. My mother didn’t come to visit me when I was hospitalized. That didn’t hurt me; the only thing I want from her is distance, anyway. Her words are like bullets; she always made me feel like crap. She called me a loser several times after I won the scholarship. My therapist says that she is unbearable. To difficult this, I’ve found (and they) that I like girls. And I feel that everything that I am is a result of what I went through in my childhood and that makes me feel “not real”, but only the outcome of several mistakes and bad things. It’s like I am not the person I supposed to be. I’m just a shadow or a small piece of dust of what I could be, and that makes me feel so wrong. So unworthy of everything and everyone. Like a ghost.

    Your words are filled with hope and strength, but I am so tired. So tired of fighting, of falling endlessly into this holes of depression and hopelessness… the only person I can talk with is my therapist, twice a week, during sessions of 40 minutes. My best friend just “flew” away, and that makes me feel an unbearable person. But knowing that in some way all you are here for similar reasons makes me feel less alone and that is very precious to me.

    I am studying Design. I would love to take a specialization in Scientific Illustration. I love animals and I love drawing them. But, you know, I can’t hold to this if I have all this holes inside. They suck everything around me. I just wanted to close them of fill them up with good things, but I’ve been trying so hard to do that and I see no changes…

    Once again, I thank you for your beautiful words. I wish you the best. To you and to every one here.
  8. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    If I was a friend of yours and I visited you everyday, whether it's in hospital or at home and you were always in tears and had sad facial expressions, I would never ever give up on you even if it was for a life time, I still personally would never give up nor would this ever make me distance myself from you since I make friends for a reason yet it's also unconditionally. I'd visit every single day, with out any doubt in my mind.
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Rita,
    Thank you for your kind reply. I am glad to hear that you are going back to college. I'm sure you will find friends there. They are more mature. Your major sounds interesting. I watch all those shows on t.v. from desighn to landscaping. I stayed up at my brothers for a couple of weeks and would watch those shows and now I have them addicted to watching them.(haha).
    Please be safe and you can PM me if you just need to talk. I am on here all different times. By the way I took someones advice and got a puppy. He is a bundle of energy. It helps with my thinking because he keeps me busy. He eats everything he finds in the back yard. He is constantly bringing in rocks. Well Take Care!!!
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