I’d say 96% of the time I wish I was dead Or am plagued by the inkling feeling That it is a better option Than whatever it is I am doing at the time. I fear failure And fear that I have already failed Or that some day This delicate balance will tip And I will commit the ultimate failure And lay down my life For fear of living. I have forgotten how to communicate properly Trying to think is like walking on sand And all I want to do is sleep But my nights are restless. I have nearly given up searching for answers But my lassitude does nothing To calm the roiling mass of questions Unanswerable and unfathomable That causes those restless nights. I am up to my eyelids in "if onlys" The academic’s answer to the world And all its misery And inequity. If only the world were different. This is the way it is But if only I was not the way I am. I have grown too delicate And too transparent to live in this ruckus This chaotic staging of a life A cellophane child in a too bright world. The next time I am crumpled up and thrown away I think will be my last. I am lacking in stamina Or courage or self- Self-something Which makes it possible to live a life. The thing which frightens me most Is that I might be wrong. That I have the stamina And this is not an Achille’s Heel But a twisted ankle And I will keep on limping along. I am afraid Not just that I will live But that I will live like this until I die.