My name is Jennifer, and I'm 19 years old. I live with my dad, and two younger brothers. One is fifteen, one is ten. I'm not going to get too much into my life story, but I just need someone to at least hear me out because this forum is the only option I can really turn to right now. My background has a lot to do with my current crisis right now, so if you have the heart to read this, it would mean so much. My mother got cancer when I was 12. She died when I was 15. When my mother was sick, she had to go across the country for a cancer-treatment center. My dad became abusive during that time period. He would slap me, pull my hair, and drag me up and down the stairs, push me down so I couldn't stand up, busted my mouth open, and lock me out of the house. I don't know why this started, he just became so angry and took everything out on me when I was younger. The only type of terrible things he done when I was a child, was accuse my mother of cheating and call her a "baby-killer" and a "*****" indicating she was sleeping around and getting abortions. He'd slap her a few times. He'd punch holes in the walls, scream and yell and scare me. That hurt me when I was a child, but it was not overwhelming because it was not often. I began pulling my hair out at the age of 5, to cope with this. I grew out of it. I had a great relationship with my Dad when I was a child even though the pain he caused my mother would upset me. He never hurt me emotionally or physically when I was a child, but developed in my teen years. Anyway, moving on.. I began harming myself when I was about 13. The pain of my mother being terribly sick and my father abusing me physically, verbally and emotionally was overwhelming. My school counselor became really concerned about everything, so she recommended me seeing another counselor by the name of "Rocko." Rocko gave me a test to see how serious my depression was. I guess you could say I was a nervous wreck then, I'd only get 2 hours of sleep for school and try to sleep during lunch. Rocko became so concerned, he called my father to let him know that I need professional help to cope with the emotions I am dealing with. My dad told Rocko I was lying about being depressed for attention, and told him I was not allowed to see him anymore. The abuse became so much, I told my dad if he hit me, I would have to tell my school that he was being so physically abusive. He stopped hitting me then, but the emotional and verbal abuse continued. I've been in and out of hospitals for harming myself, but I suppose I just kept it to myself thinking nobody will help me. My dad would say I'm psycho, delusional, mental, and it's all in my head, and nobody will ever believe me if I told anyone about the things that go on. He would mock my cutting, and just make me feel so bad to the point I felt like there was no hope for me and I will no longer be happy or safe without my mother. When my mother left to that treatment center, I was honestly afraid for my life, because I thought all this pain I had inside of me, it would cause me to harm or even kill myself. My mother's death caused me to have an overwhelming fear of abandonment that destroys my life and relationships to this day, but I am working on coping with that. As years went by, my dad's behavior calmed down. He stopped taking things out on me, stopped insulting me or harassing me, and actually started to improve slowly to the point where he completely became a normal person again. However, my 15 year old brother behavior has started to change dramatically. He started skipping school a lot, fighting a lot at school when he was about thirteen years old. My dad sent him to boarding school and hoped that he would improve his behavior. About a year in boarding school, my 15 year old brother got kicked out for threatening one of his teachers that he will slit her throat. He was sent back home, and was placed in a behavioral school. My dad had a new girlfriend at the time, and she was so terrified of my 15 year old brother brother because when my brother moved back home, he was completely out of control. He would insult her, and she would lock herself in my Dad's bedroom just to stay away from him until my Dad returned home from work. My brother would hit me, lock me in a corner, tell me to kill myself, and calling me horrendous names, spit on me, and he gave me a black eye. I am deathly afraid of him, I am even afraid of telling him "no" if he asks me to use one of my belongings. My ten year old brother is constantly harassed by my 15 year old brother, and I try so hard to make him happy. I am like a mother to him, I help him with his homework, cook dinner for him, put on movies for him and help him relax, and take care of his paperwork for school. Our mother died when we were young, so he needed a mother figure in his life so I decided the best thing I could do for him is try to be the mother he lost for him. He would slap my 10 year old brother across the face, and call him mentally retarded and autistic (which he is autistic, but still wrong to say or use against him), moron, curse him out, talk about sex in front of him and I cannot have that anymore. *My current crisis that happened this evening.* I was making dinner for my family. My ten year old brother was helping me, I was teaching him how to cook a certain meal, allowing him to stir things and just spending time with him. My 15 year old brother came into the kitchen, really angry, saying I spilled a drink on his blanket. Confused, I asked him what he meant and I remember I made a sleeping bag for my 10 year old brother on the floor using my 15 year old brother's blanket, because we just moved in into this new house and we don't have our beds yet. My brother was furious, cursing at me, calling me "bitch" demanding me to wash his blanket, and I told him I was cooking dinner and that we'll discuss it after, and I wasn't going to wash anything right now. After that, he began to say outrageous yet disgusting things, like he was going to urinate on my blanket and ejaculate on my blanket if I did not wash his blanket. My brother began to scream, and pushing me, getting all up in my face, harassing me and calling me names from skank, bitch, *****, slut, psycho, telling me I was fat when I am not even overweight. My 10 year old became afraid, crying, so I told him to go upstairs, and my 15 year old brother was pushing me so much, and screaming at me and telling me to "cook his dinner, bitch" and that "that's the only thing I'm good for because I'm a worthless skank who should die." I begin to shake because I was really afraid, I have this serious problem where I start to tremble when people yell. Probably from my horrible past, but I began to shake and cry because I was so afraid. He locked me in a corner of the kitchen so I couldn't get out of it, so I slid under his arm and ran into the living room where he followed me and locked me in. I told him I had to check on the food, but he kept shoving me and insulting me, and he spit on me so I pushed him out of my way with a slight force to get myself free from him so I could get away. He grabbed my arms and would not let go of my wrists, and overpowering me back into the other room so I tried kicking free. It stopped then because my dad broke it up, he refused to call the police and told me not to. I told my dad I cannot take things like this anymore. My brother says these terrible things to me all the time, and I cannot bare with any longer. I am afraid of him, afraid for my younger brother. My boyfriend lives long-distance, but when I told him what happened, he told me to call the police and that they will help me. My 15 year old brother says I'd get in trouble worse than he did, because I did hurt him too, out of self defense, but not even badly, I was just trying to break free, but that I'm an adult. I just don't know what I can do, I told my dad tonight I have been through so much, and I can't keep holding on anymore because this has been going on for years, and I am about to break down. I told him about the physical abuse he did to me years ago, and he said I was delusional, but it did happen and it hurts me how he is denying it and accusing me of being crazy when I am just clinically depressed. I guess I am just asking for advice what I should do. I have no other family to stay with, and I cannot afford my own place currently, and I cannot stay with friends since we just moved away. If you took the time of your day to read all of this, then I cannot thank you enough and bless your heart. Edit: I apologize for the offensive and repulsive language in this thread.